Domestic Violence Day: A Fan Prepares to Watch the Super Bowl Sans Suds



NEW YORK, NYCheesy Bruin’s life is resembling a sad country song this week; intestinal issues, marital strife, his dog turning its back on him – if the man had a horse, we’re fairly certain it would have up and died on him as well. Anyway, he is currently sans pot to piss in and that includes a computer, so I’ve agreed to an 11th-hour pinch hit.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday, or as my friend Dennis likes to call it: the Biggest Domestic Violence Day of the Year. kramden_powI will be watching the big game with the aforementioned Dennis as well as his uncle, Grote2DMax, the aforementioned Cheesy Ruin (we may just want to drop the “B” temporarily), and whatever other motley miscreants decide to slum it with us. One of the funnier aspects of this year’s game is that outside of San Fran and Bal’mer, almost no one really gives a damn about either of these teams, myself included. So, in an effort to make things at least a little interesting, I’ve decided to forgo the booze this year. This really isn’t such a big deal except for the fact that the last time I watched the big game without a lot of liquid comedy, let alone none at all, was sometime back during Ronald Reagan’s first term.

6honeymoonersThe first hurdle I’m really going to need to clear today is the spartan spread at Dennis’ pad. There will be no 5-foot Italian subs dripping in oil and vinegar, no hot trays of baked ziti and sausage and peppers, no chicken wings and certainly no pork explosion. If we’re lucky, someone might bring a family size bag of Doritos and a small bag of fried pork rinds. I’ll bring my usual generous contribution, a box of Entenmann’s chocolate frosted donuts. The good news is, because this will be such an Al Bundy ass-scratching affair, there will also be none of the feminine touches such as Carr’s Table Water Crackers and crudite. As a sidenote, I’m convinced that crudite was invented as a way of forcing people to buy up all of the unwanted cauliflower. We really need to start thinking about letting broccoli’s albino cousin go extinct.

Reagan didn't golf.

Reagan didn’t golf.

The bigger potential problem about Super Sunday sobriety is the game itself. Like I said, I don’t like either team. I am pulling for the Ravens only because I find them slightly less offensive (ever so slightly) than the Jim Harbaugh-led Niners. What if the game absolutely sucks? Booze was always the great safety net against this. It sucks? Who cares? Let’s just make fun of everything… AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS!

Of course there was that one year when I kept calling the game: “Worst. Super Bowl. Ever” throughout the first half, all while slowly drinking bourbon out of jar. By the second half things got a little more interesting and by the end of the fourth quarter it became one of the more exciting SBs in recent memory. I ended up having a pretty good time but really didn’t remember much about Patriots 32 Panthers 29.

Nevertheless, I am really looking forward to watching today’s game with a clear head and an unknown anger scale. Here are things I hope to see:
Honeymooners1) Ray Lewis get absolutely run over by someone… anyone.
2) Randy Moss and Bernard Pollard have a knife fight at midfield.
3) A wardrobe malfunction from Beyonce.
4) Ravens TE Dennis Pitta crashing headlong into Jim Harbaugh as he gets tackled out of bounds.
5) Dan Marino cooing over baby pictures of the lovechild he had with that CBS production assistant with the gummy smile on the pre game show.
6) Maybe winning a couple of bucks on one of the two lousy Super Bowl pool boxes I have.

Enjoy the game everyone! Have a drink for me and tune in tomorrow for another sobering day, The Public Professor’s First Retirement Day.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • buffalobilly84

    Does kicking the tv because the game sucks count? One a deese days, Harbaugh… One a deese days!

    • A-Dubya will have to weigh in on this one… in the meantime, we’re trying to get Cheesy Bruin on the horn. Strife and cancer be damned – we need his picks!

      • Amy2ndRow

        Kicking the tv should be the ONLY domestic violence in the home, boys!

        • Wise words, Amy! As long as nobody burns the toast…

  • First The Public Professor hangs up his MTM keypad, then Ed Koch passes and now this with Cheesy Bruin?! What’s next, Twinkees going out of business?! Wait…

  • AngryWard

    For the record, we are not advocating domestic violence… though it’s ok to occasionally pick up a tray of crudite, hurl it across the room, and say, “now it’s garbage.”

    • I mean.. who the F*CK decided to take a tray of dry, raw vegetables (mind you i like veggies OK), and give them a fancy name to try and FOOL people?!?!

  • Grote2Dmax

    My Super Sunday began with my twins screaming at the top of their lungs and continues of that path as I write. No way this will be a drink free affair for me. Plus I agree broccoli’s albino cousin needs the heave ho.

    • AngryWard

      I will be happy to serve as bartender to you and others in desperate need of nerve tonic.

      • I need nerve tonic…and comic relief. I’ll pay the Metro North fare.

  • Cheesy.. I’m with you on a lot of what you want to see in the Stupid Bowl. However for me, the perfect thing would be if Ray Lewis bum rushed Beyonce and they both exploded in a ball of fire.

    (I’d also like to add, if you find a good lawyer and want to go for a package deal on making people ‘ex’s’… i’m all for it.)

    • AngryWard

      Er, Cookie, I wrote this piece. But will relay your generous halfsies offer to CB when I see him.

  • This just in: Cheesy Bruin has indeed been heard from and he is picking…
    49ers laying the 3.5 points…
    We are taking the points and wagered 2 US Dollars, payable in a foreign currency.

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