Baltimore Beatdown on Dancing With The Stars: Ravens’ Jacoby Jones

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url-8NEW YORK, NY - With all this sports fever floating around; March Madness commencing, NFL free agency, hockey heating up, the NBA providing games like last night’s Heat/Celts game and a real MLB game threatening to break out any minute, I decided to take a break from all this traditional sport last night. Well, it wasn’t exactly a voluntarily break… I have a roommate from Baltimore and there was a Baltimore Beatdown on Dancing With The Stars; heretofore referred to as DWTS.

It was the season 16 premiere of DWTS (yeah, I know – just bear with me) and with the aforementioned roomie, it’s automatic you’re going to watch all two hours of the show, just to see wide receiver Jacoby Jones of the world champion Baltimore Ravens do the cha-cha for a minute and thirty seconds. God forbid he miss a second of Jacoby Time. Two other guys from Baltimore joined us and we watched… All. Two. Hours. Okay, there were very short Heat/Celts check-ins, because it’s not like they have things called DVR or the Internet these days.

DWTS Producers Meet_The_MattsOf course the medieval torturers/genius producers over at ABC knew that this scene would play out in thousands of living rooms across the country. Salivating Ravens fans, huddled together to get any/every possible fix of their favorite team – no matter how debasing – would tune in. Can someone say, “Ratings bump?

And so ABC had Jacoby dance… last.

But how do you keep thousands of male football fans entertained for two hours while they uncomfortably watch ballroom dancing, unsure of when their hero will appear? Especially when their ballroom dancing means watching people like Victor Ortiz, Wynonna Judd and D.L. Hughley shimmy around the dance floor with the grace of a of cardboard box?

If you guessed wardrobe malfunction, then congrats: You’re a perv… and absolutely correct.

The geniuses at ABC scripted it perfectly. Halfway through the show, Andy Dick, looking remarkably sober and quite phallus-like, took the floor with stunning photo-2partner Sharna Burgess. The pair danced an awkward jig and presented themselves before the judges. Immediately the cameras pointed at Burgess. Something was amiss. In my apartment, the TV was paused and the wardrobe malfunction was officially declared. Twitter was checked to confirm we weren’t delusional. It was already blowing up. Where was DVR and Twitter back in 2004 for Janet’s accident? By that point, judge Carrie Ann Inaba was giving her critique while making blatant gestures at her own chest, in an effort to alert Burgess. Andy Dick was classic Dick and got in a few peeks.

Hook, line & sinker. Pure genius by ABC.

An hour later Jacoby Jones came out and put on the most entertaining dance of the night, even working Ray Lewis’ famous squirrel dance into his routine. The crowd went wild. The judges were impressed, except for the crusty old British guy who told Jacoby he was pigeon-toed… apparently Brits don’t know what professional athletes are.

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I for one, no longer know what constitutes good two-hour-long television programing. Sure, my Ravens fan friends were excited for Jacoby but did we really have to sit through two hours of a show designed for adolescent girls and their middle-aged mothers to see him? Silver lining: The sideshow wardrobe malfunction was a bonus for everyone – and it was definitely an upgrade over Nancy Grace. Not sure what demographic ABC was trying to keep entertained with that one.
NBA: Miami Heat at Boston Celtics
Long story short: we missed a hell of a basketball game. Ravens fans, I ask you: Was that minute 30 worth it? Can we please move on from your beloved World Champion Ravens? If you haven’t noticed they’re getting split up rather quickly…

Back to sports please!

Stay tuned tomorrow when Angry Ward mercifully follows through on my request!

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About the Author ()

Evan "Pickles" Achiron is a George Washington University grad and Strategic Communications honcho who likes the Yankees, Jets, Rangers and Knicks. He also dons 'the tools of ignorance' when playing hardball with Cam James & Short Matt. He comments on this site as ACK7. You can also follow him on Twitter: @each_iron.
  • Jim Dick Harbaugh

    I wouldn’t watch Dancing with the Stars if it was live in my living room… Oh wait, it was live in my living room. See? I didn’t watch it.

    • DannyBax

      Were you watching your big brother win the Super Bowl for the millionth time???

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        Snap and snap!

  • Big Blue 56

    Sorry, missed your show because I was watching the Rangers in an overtime shootout.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      THAT was a thriller! But with 12 games left and being in 9th place, the Rangers must win 8 of those 12 to guarantee a playoff spot. That’s our Matts-matics.

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    I’d sooner put toothpicks in my eyes than watch that show (or The Bachelor/Bachelorette, or any Kardashian show, etc.) Evan.. I’m glad you wrote about this so people can stop saying just chicks watch this drek.

    You know what I wanna speculate about? Not the future wardrobe malfunction of chicks with misplaced nipples, but the speculation about what time and IF Hines Ward will finish his first Ironman at Kona this fall. He just did a Sprint tri, called Seal Sprint in 1:27 (500m swim, 20k bike, 6k run). Every course is different, so i can’t judge… but I can tell you this.. dude will be lucky if he gets out of the water in Kona. His 500m swim time was abysmal. An Ironman swim is 2.4 miles.. and Kona is in water with a current and a FREE for all.

    • Al Campanis II

      He’s not buoyant!

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        WHOA! Do you know what you’re saying, Al?!

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      Misplaced nipples? You mean something like, “Where did I put those damn nipples?” “I just know I had them last night when I gave that short bald guy in the blue suit a roll!” I’ve looked between the couch cushions, in the freezer, and in the recycling bin?” “I’ve looked in the short bald guys, pants pockets and wallet and found nothing, absolutely nothing.” “Boy I wish he’d wake up and go already!” The annoying thing is that I’m sure that they’ll be in the very last place I look!”

      • Yankee Joe

        May be there in your bra Samantha cause they bald MUTTS fans woudnt know what to do with nipples!!

        • MartyStein9er

          You guys are not right! haha

  • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

    ANGRY WARD’S Wild with another nice win over Vancouver. Very impressive playoff-like effort. Watch out Western Conference if Pierre-Marc Bouchard is over concussion issues.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Angry Ward Gone Wild! See him guzzle bourbon, curse Short Matt and dance on the bar in g-string!

    • AngryWard

      It’s off topic, but glad you mentioned it Cheeseman. Now if I could only find them on TV.

  • Randy Levine

    I knew Nip Slips. Nip Slips were friends of mine. Sir those are no Nip Slips.

    • AngryWard

      Lloyd Bentsen and I could not agree more.

  • Evan Achiron

    They were of the classy and refined variety. Needless to say I’m not happy I had to sit through that last night.

  • WestCoastCraig

    Are Baltimore fans that hard up? Did Niner fans watch when Jerry Rice was on, or Cowboys fans when Emmitt Smith? If it was Bolden would they still be interested? I like the Steelers but never even considered watching Hines on there (I’d be more interested in watching him flail in the Kona waters). Still, if being so hard up leads to pix like that one fan, then I’m all on board.

  • Grote2Dmax

    Back in the day when football players were men, Nolan Cromwell and Jack Youngblood were on Starshoot, a skeet shooting show. Maybe they should get these pansy dancing football players in their sights next time.

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