USA Soccer Rocks Mexico… Mexico Sucks

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soccer-girls-boobs-760209MEXICO – I, Camtavious James, am going to break all rules on this site  – at the risk of being run out of Mattville.  Yes, today’s column is about… football.  BUT… I don’t mean that thing we came up with wherein only a skinny former footballer kicks the ball.  I’m talking about… soccer.

On Tuesday night the United States national team stuck it to El Tri (code of the Mexicans) 2-0 in Columbus, Ohio thus clinching another World Cup berth for next year’s tourney in Rio (MTM PRESS PASSES REQUESTED).

DonovanMexico_crop_north

ZZZzzzz…

Look, I was not a huge fan of hiring Jurgen Klinsmann, but it seems that after a sputtering start last year he has this team doing wonders on the pitch – with the exception of sloppy back line play, which is only due to a lack of experience not a lack of talent.

The bigger headline resulting from this game, though, isn’t that the USA Soccer team is in; it is that the Mexicans aren’t… yet.  Right now the Mexicans are on the outside looking in, behind 3 points – that’s one win – with two contests left against Honduras and Costa Rica.  To put that in perspective, if the Mexicans don’t make the World Cup it would be on par with some of the following:

Soccer-Body Painting world cupLeon Lett… For those of you who don’t remember this buffoon please watch the video here.  There is nothing dumber than a defensive lineman handling the football.  Leon Lett isn’t the only boob to commit such an offense… just ask the Denver Broncos about Danny Trevethan.  That being said nothing trumps screwing up a Super Bowl.

Bill Buckner… Most of you praise this beleaguered man’s existence but no one can claim they dropped the ball more than Bill.

Cubs winning the World Series… For Cubs fan everyone this would be the equivalent of having their entire identity taken from them.  The Mexicans missing the World Cup is about as probable as the cubs winning the World Series.  In both places if one of these two situations were to happen an equal amount of raping and pillaging would occur.  Come to think about it Mexico and Chicago already have that in common.

Truck Stop Missouri being picked up for another season… If I have to answer the question, “Is that what life is like in Missouri?” one more time I am going to stab myself in the neck.  Do we like to fish? Yes. Do we like to hunt? Sure.  Do we occasionally have parties in fields? Of course we do, that is what an empty field is for.  Does this all mean that we are all loudmouth, fat, uneducated slobs that work at a truckstop? Hell NO!

Historical Baseball Porn…  It would be so unexpected but so awesome for a modern day skin-flick producer to create characters like Anus Slaughter, Mordecai “Three Fingers” Brown, “Flash Her” Gordon, “Push ’em in” Tony Lazerri, Cal Rip Skin, The Sultan of Twat, The Splendid Splinter and… Horny Ward.

Cookie’s Corner, tomorrow.

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About the Author ()

Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.
  • Dizzy

    Opie Taylor white! Great description! Go Shaskys.

  • jgclancy

    The pilot episode was Truck Stop “Arkansas” but they needed suntitles to understand
    those truckers and decided to go with fat guys who we could understand instead.
    Go A’s!—magic number is 15. Yanks magic number is their tee time.
    USA put match in Ohio instead of NY, LA or Miami.Seemed like a home game for once.
    Poker tourney today–first in a while. I won entry at a bar poker tourney–hope I survive Day 1!

    • WestCoastCraig

      I once went to a USA-Mexico match at the LA Coliseum…there were 90,000 screaming, horn blowing Mexicans and me. They’ll never play each other here again…that’s why Seattle is the hot new soccer market. Good luck in the tourney!

      • There’s a USA vs Mexico match every day about the Home Depots of L.A….

    • Suntitles???

  • Randy Levine

    Do those flags have goatees?

    • Subtle! But the MTM Censors are scrambling your apparent code!

  • WestCoastCraig

    Good on you, Cam…I’ve gone down this road on here before, it can get ugly but somebody’s got to talk soccer! El Tri is in El Shambles…three coaches just in the last week!

    • WCC, we hold you complicit in Cam’s crime against humanity… Talking Soccer here!

  • Baba Looey

    Holy Frijoles, Queeksdraw!

  • Yankee Joe

    ONE GAME OUT!!!! THAAA YANKEES WIN!!!!!

  • In the 1820s, student Webb Ellis, bored to death at soccer practice, picked up the ball and ran with. He was tackled after his fellow payers realized he was onto something. Since this new game was borne at the school and town of Rugby, thus was its name. American football then came from rugby. That day in Webb Ellis’ life should have marked the last game of soccer… That is all.

    • jgclancy

      And since then all of America still asks….What’s rugby?

  • Junoir Blaber

    Soccer is a beautiful game without the gratuitous chick pics. However, I am not complaining.

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