Halloween Horrors: Scariest Faces in Baseball Start in Boston

Ortiz ped

Boston Red Sox win thanks to P-E-D-s

BOSTON, MA – As a die-hard St. Louis fan, there is nothing more unsettling this morning than any face associated with the Boston Red Sox, their fans or their city. Yet, my MTM contract calls for a column and we’ve fortunately got the perfect, dark holiday for Missourians in Misery to focus on. See, over the course of time holiday after holiday has been created to honor ends of wars founding countries, ending countries, remembering births and deaths of martyrs, myths and religious icons. Today, I’m using Halloween as a means of forgetting the Halloween Horrors that took place in Fenway Park and will continue on Yawkey Way today. But I know must talk baseball. With that, here’s… The Scariest Faces in Baseball Start in Boston


Some curse, Babe.

But first, some history. Halloween is an abbreviation for “All Hallows Eve.”  “All hallows” referring to All Saints Day, which is an annual Christian celebration celebrating the ascension of lost family members into heaven throughout the course of the previous year.  Halloween was originally a pagan ritual preceding this holy day, wherein the intention was to scare the dark spirits into staying away – so that the good spirits could ascend the following morning… It had nothing to do with The Curse of The Bambino.

red_sox_girl slutHowever, that was the definition up until approximately 1999.  The definition of Halloween now is “the one day a year in which all women age 15-45 can wear whatever they want and not be called a whore.”  I used to enjoy Halloween but this year I have chosen to stay home on account that I, Cam James, as of a couple weeks ago, am now…….Engaged.  No more modern Halloween for me.  That being said, its back to the scary definition with the scariest players in MLB history.

Al Hrabosky – my favorite on this list.  The Mad Hungarian embodies what baseball used to be and unfortunately, isn’t anymore.  As nuts as Hrabosky is, a willingness to pitch inside and challenge opponents mentally and emotionally and leave them crying is something long missed in the politically correct everyone gets a trophy society we live in today. But this Cardinals broadcaster might as well be insane; more so after last night.

Rod Beck – Show me one person that wants to tangle with this Dog the Bounty Hunter analog.  Rod Beck looks more like a

Ezequiel Astacio – Two words……Zap Zit. Ezequiel has a biblical name and evidently a biblical plague.

Willie McGee – Thirteen words…. Get Carlos Beltran to buy you a nose job like Jon Niese did.

Scariest Faces In Baseball Meet_The_Matts

Ezequiel, Willie, Greg, Ted

Jose Mesa – The only player to make the list with bad facial hair and Jheri curls.  This mans 1990 mug would make even Lionel Richie squeel.

stephen drew red sox wicked pussy Meet_The_Matts

Wicked Pussy to Wicked Scary. Only in Boston.

Greg Minton – I’m not sure if Greg looks more like The Unabomber or someone from the movie Deliverance.  Either way, he looks like a guy that you would likely meet in a truck stop stall 30 miles from anywhere. Minton has the whole package.  Glasses, Beatles mop-cut, and teeth that would make even a Chinese dentist cringe.

David Wells – You don’t get the nickname “Walrus” without good cause.

Stephen Drew – The skinny prick ruined my night, my week and my season… scariest thing under 150 pounds i have ever seen.

Come back tomorrow for a warm and welcoming face… and Different Matt.

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About the Author ()

Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.
  • Cheesybruin

    If a trick-or-treater came knocking as George Foster I’d be pretty petrified.

    • Oh, yeah? We’ll see your Foster and raise you a Pascual Perez!

  • Guest

    If a trick-or-treater came knocking as George Foster, I’d be petrified.

    • What if Short Matt was disguised as MTM’s Invisible Man – Tall Matt?!

    • If you came to our place, you’d be our… Guest.

      • Seth Rogen

        You know how I know you’re gay….

  • Baseball Lifer

    The Red Sox and Cardinals were in the Fall Classic for one reason – they are class organizations that have solid structure in all levels of their organization. Next year, both should just be better. The rest of baseball has some catching up to do. Congrats to Boston and applause to St. Louis for their excellent season.

    • Baseball Lifer:

      A) Dysfunctional Teams winning is much cooler. Madden’s Raiders, Davey’s Mets, Mandela’s Springboks…

      B) Boston fans, with the exception of bosoxbruins04, are insufferable White Trash.

  • AngryWard

    Where’s Fake Sandy Alderson? He came up with the all-time ugliest baseball card photo several weeks back. Why can’t I think of the guy’s name. He played for the A’s (I think) and looked like a giant rat.

  • AngryWard

    Call off the search. It’s Don Mossi! They should have called him Don Juan Mossi.

    • Cheesybruin

      WE HAVE A HANDS DOWN WINNER!!!!! Cripes, this guy has no chin appendage and the bushiest eyebrows to go along with the biggest ears and a schnoz that grows from the middle of his forehead.

    • Walking Tall

      That guy looks like a bloodhound! But what about Cliff Johnson?

      • AngryWard

        Cliff Johnson was a matinee idol compared to others. And, as Phil Rizzuto would say, “never got cheated on his swings.”

  • buffalobilly84

    Who cares about baseball?!!? It’s hockey and football season!

  • Junoir Blaber

    Engaged!! Say it ain’t so Champ!! You taken her to the Waldorf!?!

    • AngryWard

      Who’s the lucky(?) lady, Cam?

  • oblique outlook

    What happened to the days of Sophia Vergara and Kate Upton?

  • jgclancy

    The Cleveland Indians re-signed designated hitter Jason Giambi to a minor-league contract.Why??? How does he keep getting paid to play baseball? I think this news has broken my back – time to retire again!

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