Angry Ward Wednesday: Mr Met Holiday Newsletter

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BRONX, NY - Thanksgiving’s in the books, Hanukkah is almost over, and Christmas is coming up faster than a Metro North Train on Spuyten Duyvil, so I really don’t have a whole lot of time for this. Hold on a sec. I just picked up today’s mail and it seems I’ve received some sort of holiday card, a Mr Met Holiday Newsletter, from the Mets. I’m sure management won’t mind if I just cut and paste it. Here goes…

Warmest Holiday Greetings from Mr. Met and Family!

Dear Friends, Fans, and Assorted Creditors:

Screen shot 2013-12-04 at 7.54.12 AM

Mr Met Holiday Newsletter

It’s hard to believe that  it’s already December and the temperatures are as cold as the middle of the lineup’s bats in July. It sure has been a memorable year and we all have so much to be thankful for… mainly that we still have a few fans left. And, of course, Shake Shack. God knows if anyone would show up to games without Shake Shack. But I digress, let me catch you up on some of the fun goings on with us this year.

Way back in March, we were all so excited about the upcoming season. And who wouldn’t be with big boppers like Collin Cowgill and Jordany Valdespin set to make big contributions? And there was no way that Ike Davis was going to get off to another slow start. More good news came when Johan blew out his shoulder. Fred and Jeff invited me, Sandy, Terry and some other higher ups over to their suite at the St. Lucie Hampton Inn and we all got bombed on Mai Tais as the Wilpons stripped to the waist, chest-bumped multiple times, and urinated on a copy of what would have been Santana’s $25-million 2014 option. Good times.

The season got off to a great start as we took two out of three from a formidable Padres squad and the always dangerous Florida Marlins. Things were good and if we got a break here and there we may have even ended April with a winning record instead of a still-respectable 10-15. But who cared about our record when we had the hottest pitcher in baseball, Matt Harvey, taking the baseball every fifth day. The guy was unstoppable, except for when we didn’t score any runs for him, which was quite often. But, hey, he was selected to start the All Star Game right in our own hardly-used almost-like-new stadium. A bright future lay ahead and you could cut the optimism with Jonathan Niese’s schnoz.

Blue is the new orange which used to be the new black.

Blue is the new orange which used to be the new black.

After the break we hovered around 10 games under .500 for much of July and into August, but a 5 game losing streak late in the month kinda put our dreams of somewhat respectable mediocrity out of reach. It was at this point that Mrs. Met (you can still call her Lady Met) informed me that she was having her tubes tied, declaring: “I can’t in good conscience bring another Mets fan into this world!” I was a tad taken aback by this announcement and proceeded to go on a 72-hour bender with the Philly Phanatic. As I cried in my $9.00 Budweiser he consoled me by mentioning that he hasn’t had sex in going on three decades. I toyed with the idea of calling up Anna Benson only to find out that she was in jail. Maybe it was for the best. She’s circled the bases more than Rickey Henderson.

We finished the season with a 74-88 record and a request from Mrs. Met that I get a vasectomy, “just to be on the safe side.” But as we approach Christmas, hope springs eternal for 2014. Sandy has promised to dumpster dive for as long as it takes to find another Marlon Byrd in a pile of Travis Hafners. Sandy also met with Robinson Cano and Jay Z and promises to sit down with any other free agent who knows someone famous. Matt Harvey is out for 2014 after undergoing successful Tommy John surgery, which is sorta good news. Those who undergo unsuccessful Tommy John surgery come out pitching more like Mel Rojas. But even though our ace has joined the elf on a shelf, everyone here in Metsville is upbeat and very much in the holiday spirit. Don’t believe me? Watch this!

If that doesn’t get you in the Christmas spirit, nothing will. Have a great holiday everyone! Does anyone know if Anna B.’s outta the clink yet, we could use her for our holiday party?

Yours,

Mr. Met

That was easy enough. Come back tomorrow for the happy holiday stylings of West Coast Craig.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • First Time Long Time

    Jesus! Did they have to have Wright sing the fairy line? There are rumors. haha

    • oblique outlook

      Well that just put the rumor to rest. So lame it is embarrassing..

  • Amy2ndRow

    This is HILLARIOUS!!! Poor, poor Mets fans! I thought I had it bad being a Dodger fan (until last year).

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Amy, your Dodgers had their chance. It was in Brooklyn. Thank you for leaving.

  • AngryWard

    Congrats to Cookie for landing her Ellsbury. Christmas came early, or Hanukkah came late. Something along those lines.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      So, the Yanks adding Ellsbury means the Mets can get Granderson AND Suzuki for a song, right?

    • Cookie

      Yup. Thank you Angry Ward. I am BEYOND thrilled. Is seven years a little long? A tad for my liking…but I’m good with it.

      Cano to the Mets would really be something. Enjoy that Angry.

      • AngryWard

        I’m more concerned with Cano to the Mariners at this point. He’s not looking and 300 mill anymore. It will be closer to 200. Though it should be less than that.

        • Cookies Corner

          Yup. So you got my ‘text.’ I forgot about that. I was so excited and overjoyed… i just plum forgot. Merry Christmas to the Mariners and Angry Ward!!!

  • Cheesybruin

    The Mighty Mighty Deaf Tone Mets xmas album coming soon! What a disgrace of a joke!

    • AngryWard

      Yeah, they sing about as good as they hit. Who lets something like this happen? They all look thrilled to be part of it.

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        You guys have missed the boat on this one. This is the funniest Holiday video by a sports team… ever.

      • Cookies Corner

        More from the crakerjack Mets marketing team. Remember guys, they brought you the improved Mets slogan ‘You Gotta Believe!’

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

    A-Dubya, this is your best piece of the year. Laughed what remains of our cojones off reading this… BUT we must disagree with you re the the Metsies’ rendition of “Sleigh Ride.” It. Is. Pure. Genius. It’s so cheesy, it is sublime. And the fact that Harvey, who may never play again, and Justin Turner – who steals the video – wasn’t tendered a contract this week and joins Harvey on the “May-Never-Be-A-Met-Again list, is just the perfect touch of yellow in a gray Flushing snow.

    • buffalobilly84

      I agree with Mccarthy. This is hysterical. The video is almost as funny as the letter. The visual of this “bombed on Mai Tais as the Wilpons stripped to
      the waist, chest-bumped multiple times, and urinated on a copy of what
      would have been Santana’s $25-million 2014 option” was the best.

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

    Dans le spirt de Noël, here’s our gratuitous plug of our finest moment with Mr. Met:

    http://youtu.be/XDYswwDHDXQ

  • Dude

    gee, that video is the sonic equivalent of the lump of coal the mets are putting in their fans collective stockings. the utter tone-deafness is expected but the complete and utter lack of interest in relaying the lines with any kind of enthusiasm is an ominous sign that they are all already playing out the string in ’14. They could at least show us the video of the wilpons chest bumping at the hampton inn.

    • AngryWard

      I’m working on getting that Wilpons footage, Dude. By the way, is the Dude married yet? If so, how’s it going?

  • http://rugbywrapup.com/ RugbyWrapUp

    If you need a break from all this dismal baseball talk, check out these women. It’s especially meant for JG Clancy.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2516966/Oxford-University-womens-rugby-team-pose-nude-charity-calendar.html

    • Randy Levine

      Nice snatch!

      • jgclancy

        Click!

  • Junoir Blaber

    That video is still better than Ram Rules!! And Ann Benson, well I still would. People need to enjoy the beauty of being a Mets fan. There is no hype, no “next year will be or year!” talk. We hope for 3rd place and know we will suck. There is no heart break.

    • AngryWard

      Junoir, you should pay Anna B. a conjugal visit and report back on it.

  • bosoxbruins04

    Seeing Ellsbury go is tough. Didn’t think that would happen. But wow, 7 years and 150 million??? That is crazy.

  • Johnny Rox

    The line SHOULD be:

    We’re riding along with the Schlong of a Panty-Less Fairy Man!

    Now that David Wright is “out of the closet” I like him!
    Just kidding…

    Nobody that mis-handles that many balls could possibly be Gay!

    Congrats to Ellsbury on losing the fake tough guy act and joining a Class Act! Shave your face, Stand up Straight, and Act like an Effin’ Grown Up! Hey Boston, Leave the “Tough Guy” look to ACTUAL Tough Guys! A bunch of overpaid pansies, who play a child’s game for a living, have no business trying to look tough!

    J…

    • You Suck

      A-Rod, Clemens, Burnett… All acted like grownups?

  • Tall Matt

    Nice socks on the rugby ladies.

    Yankee fans, enjoy 7 years of Ellsbury. The Red Sox got the best of what can be expected from him in his first 7 years and you’ll get the injury plagued slippery slope of his career.

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