Angry Ward Wednesday: Angry New Year!

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new-year-2014NEW YORK, NY - Writing a column for New Year’s Day is a labor of hate. It’s like a Christmas column (which I also had the pleasure of writing this year) but with even fewer people reading due to waves of nausea and crippling headaches. I mean more nausea and headaches than usually associated with visiting this site. Anyway, how is that I got saddled with these thankless holiday tasks? I thought my friend West Coast Craig had dibs on these. Eh, whaddaya gonna do. When it’s your turn, it’s your turn… especially since Short Matt bought lunch the other day. Hope you like your Baby New Year a tad angry.

bahrain-TV-Channel-55Odd Job. First things first. If you live in the Metropolitan area and are just rolling out of bed on New Year’s morning, you need to find your clicker. No, not there. It’s probably under that dried out hunk of Italian combo sub and rancid macaroni salad. Anyway, find it and then figure out what channel TV 55 is on your local cable shyster. It’s an Odd Couple Marathon all day long. Nothing but Oscar and Felix and Murray the Cop and fondue forks and Let’s Make a Deal appearances and Bobby Riggs and Pigeon sisters and Bolivian chickens and, of course, Oscar Madison dieting tips like mixing Chinese and Italian and favorite dining spots like Hesch and Heidi’s Nautical Nosh and April Fool Taco. Seriously, kick back and enjoy.

"Boneless Chicken? How did it walk?"

“Boneless Chicken? How did it walk?”

No Job. Finally the NFL’s unemployment rate is starting to mirror the national average, helped by the fact that five head coaches were fired Monday and most of the candidates being looked at for those vacancies are retreads such as Lovie Smith, Josh McDaniels, and Jack Del Rio. Also looking to hit the unemployment lines, once-great running backs like Maurice Jones-Drew and Chris Johnson. On the bright side, Tim Tebow finally found a job, but at ESPN not the NFL. Still, Timmy could be a Jackie Robinson of sorts for the Worldwide Leader in Sports, being the first non-womanizer hired by the network.

Harphy Nyuh Yearggh. Congratulations to those of you lucky enough to have received late-night phone calls from Short Matt last night. Now that Dick Clark is dead he’s my favorite person to hear slur in the New Year.

Rexiest Man Alive. I don’t know about you guys but 2014 would not have been near the same had Jets owner Woody Johnson (heh) chosen not to bring Rex Ryan back. In a lot of ways Johnson and Ryan are the Jets’ version of The Colonel and Jack Horner from Boogie Nights with their whacked out roster–Cromartie, Sanchez, Holmes (not, that Holmes)–being the stars of their ongoing filth reel.

pappyFinally, I’d like to thank Matt McCarthy for the semi-annual MTM Christmas Party this past Sunday. While we’re sorry that some of our luminaries were unable to attend, it was still a good and spirited turnout with the likes of Cookie (who of course brought cookies), Junoir Blaber and his lovely fiancee Jackie, Diff, Cheesy, JG Clancy, and Time Magazine’s Mensch of the Year for the 8th year running, Sam’s-A-Fan, who once again successfully smuggled in some Pappy Van Winkle 20-year-old bourbon. Thanks again, Sammy. Signed, your imaginary friend.

Come back tomorrow for  Wally Pipp, also been known to keep company with 20-year-olds.

 

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • bosoxbruins04

    Happy New Year everybody!

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      You too, bosoxbruins04! And everyone else!

  • FakeSandyAlderson

    Sorry I missed you at the MtM party. The OC marathon is exactly the elixir for New Year hangovers, Winter blahs and Seasonal Affective Mood Disorder. “Look at this Oscar Madisox.” “Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.” “Fear much trouble with the fuselage” I could go on all day, but I got the Pigeon sisters knocking at the door.

    • AngryWard

      Someone made a very expensive sandwich.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Speaking of the MTM Staff Party, Cheesy Bruin’s constant Lundquist bashing has seen the King go 2-0, including a win the night of the party and a gem last night in Florida… In fact, The King and the Blueshirts are undefeated this year!

      • Puck Face

        They are starting to look good and Richards stepped up. They get Stahl and Callahan back and they will be good.

      • Cheesybruin

        Yawn.

  • jgclancy

    I, of course, do not drink on New Years Eve. It’s my day off and I was sound asleep at the stroke of midnight as always. I’ve flipped on the tv for Odd Couple episode entitled-” Cleanliness is Next to Impossible”. The fault lies not in our stars but in ourselves –the new year motto for all of MtM!

  • Cheesybruin

    “Pits, pits, pits in my juice, juice, juice.”
    Happy New Year, y’all.

  • jgclancy

    Dear Angry Ward, just a note to say you’ve already made the new year better. I read this column then turned on the Odd Couple. In the second episode ( entitled “The FAT Farm” ironically) they had this bacon commercial: A must purchase for everyone.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pl9i3cPr0qI

    • AngryWard

      It’s a peach of a morning.

      • Junoir Blaber

        Sounds delicious!!

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

    MTM Staff Holiday Party…
    Front Row (L to R):
    Sam’s -A-Fan, Junoir Blaber, Jackie
    2nd Row (L to R):
    Cheesy Bruin, JG Clancy, Cookie, Angry Ward
    Back Row (L to R):
    Short Matt, Different Matt, Fake Fake Sandy Alderson

  • Sam’s-A-Mensch(apparently?)

    Can I sign my comment “Oscar Madisoy?” No? That’s okay because all I’ve really got to say is oh my head hurts!

    • AngryWard

      With the top notch hooch you’re sitting on, I’d be upset if you didn’t have a headache.

  • jgclancy

    They did it for Oscar Madison so here’s to Angry Ward!! Cheers!

    A is for the Angst in him every Tuesday
    N is for the Naked truth he tells
    G is for the Good cheer he brings us all
    R is for the Rage that we all adore
    Y is for the Years of indentured servitude he must endure
    W is for the Way he has with Words.
    A is for the Anger we all adore
    R is for the Reason we come back for more
    D is for the Days he pines for his Wally Pipp

    • AngryWard

      That’s Oscar Madison. He’s big Daddy… to us allllllll!!!!

  • jgclancy

    :)

    • SAF

      Click.

  • Junoir Blaber

    Rex Ryan is to sports comdey writers what George W. Bush was. He gives you so much material. I will mourn the day the Jets fire Rexy.

  • Tall Matt

    It’s a known fact that Lincoln loved mayonnaise.

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