Angry Ward Wednesday: Your NYC Super Bowl Visitor’s Guide

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DeBlasio Shovels Meet_The_MattsNEW YORK, NY - (***We interrupt Polar Vortex 2: Electric Boogaloo to bring you yet another column.***) It’s the least wonderful time of the year, with the exception of the entire month of February. I’m of course talking about that dead week between the NFL Championship games and the Super Bowl. Why must the NFL do this? Does the Super Bowl really need an additional week of hype or opportunities for its participants to run afoul of the law and/or ornery prostitutes? I dunno, maybe it does. Anyway, shortly thousands of sucker… I mean, football fans, will be descending upon the New York metropolitan area and will find all manner of ridiculous ways to get relieved of their hard-earned dollars. In order to help these Seattle schmoes and Denver dopes out, here’s Your NYC Super Bowl Visitor’s Guide – a handy pamphlet of things to do in New York while you’re waiting to freeze your ass off in the swamps of Jersey.

Set 'em up, Joe.

Set ‘em up, Joe.

Eat. Under no circumstances should you spend a nickel on anything in and around Times Square. That goes double for any so-called dining establishments in this area. You’d be better off eating out of the trash. If you’re looking for a good place for a group dinner, head down to Chinatown where the general rule is, the less attractive the restaurant the better the food. I just ventured down there with some visiting family and we made pigs of ourselves at Joe’s Shanghai (9 Pell Street). Three or four orders of soup dumplings should warm you up for the feast ahead. Be sure to sample the General Tso’s Chicken and Crispy Beef, a savory confection that my brother-in-law rightly described as “dessert beef.” You’ll be shocked by the reasonable bill, but be sure to bring cash, cuz Joe don’t do credit cards…

The Bronx Zoo Lyle Sparky Meet_The_MattsIf it’s Italian you’re looking for, avoid Manhattan’s sad touristy Little Italy and head up the Bronx for the real deal. There are no shortage of great restaurants and delis in and around Arthur Avenue. A personal fave is Frankie and Johnnie’s Pine Restaurant (1913 Bronxdale Avenue) where you can chow down on huge portions of Pasta Fagioli and Short Matt’s favorite hangover cure… or Chicken Parm. It’s right near the Bronx Zoo so make a day of it. And if you don’t feel like paying zoo admission, not to worry; there are plenty of other animals roaming around the Bronx -particularly in the vicinity of Fordham Road. Oh, and now that the beloved 8th Street and Sixth Avenue location is closed, do make it up to 72nd and Broadway for a Gray’s Papaya Hot Dog.

Drink. First, a friendly reminder to our visiting guests from Denver and Seattle, marijuana is still illegal in New York, even though we have a mayor who’s last name, De Blasio, sounds fairly weed-friendly. The good news is, there are limitless options when it comes to getting plastered. Again, it’s probably best to avoid Times Square and the theater district, although Bourbon Street (346 W. 46th) is a Meet The Matts hangout of sorts, has a decent selection of bourbons, and no shortage of sports on the tube. But my vote for best bar in the city still goes to WXOU Radio (558 Hudson Street). Great happy hour, great jukebox, and if you can snag one of the coveted window seats, great people watching. If you feel like keeping it a bit more uptown, why not grab a pint of Guinness at the Dublin House (225 W. 79th Street) which played host to quite a bit of my misspent youth. But, seriously, there are dozens of great joints in the city. I’m sure our loyal readers wouldn’t mind sharing some of their faves.

9 am rush at WXOU.

9 am rush at WXOU.

Be Merry. I’ll be honest with you, if I had Super Bowl tickets I’d sell them, use the money on food and drink, and watch the game somewhere in the city rather than paying $51.00 for what is usually a $10 bus trip to East Rutherford and not be allowed to tailgate. Sounds pretty awful if you ask me. But even if you do go to the game, if you get here a couple of days early, entertainment options abound in the city the doesn’t sleep. Check out some music at one of the city’s many cool venues. Go see the Statue of Liberty but do it on the Staten Island Ferry, which costs nothing plus you can enjoy a nice cold beer during your short journey. When you get to the Staten Island side, grab a hot dog at the city’s only Dairy Queen, then get the hell back to Manhattan.

Recently, we’ve also become famous for our train wrecks and you’ll see none bigger than the one that plays pro basketball at Madison Square Garden. Just kidding. I would never recommend wasting money on the Knicks. Seriously though, life doesn’t begin and end on Manhattan, venture to some of the outer boroughs. Check out the Steinway Factory, Museum of the Moving Image, and chop shops of Queens. Boogie on up to the Bronx Alehouse. Punch a pork pie-wearing hipster in Brooklyn. Grab a burger at the Inwood Piper’s Kilt, which is actually in Manhattan but so far uptown it doesn’t feel like it. Bottom line, no matter what kinda hijinks you’re looking for, you should be able to find it. OK, this could easily run 2000 words so I’ll close by saying enjoy your stay, steer clear of anti-semitic Elmos, 99-cent slices of pizza, and anyone named Wilpon or Dolan.

Comment below and tune in tomorrow for more Meet The Matts Radio, when Richard Sherman interrupts Bobby V and Mad Dog arguing about his post-game chat with Erin Andrews.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • MartyStein9er

    Let’s Go Islanders! How about that comeback?

    • Big Blue 56

      Rangerrs only have their letdowns vs the Isles. Drives me nuts.

  • DannyBax

    Doesn’t Trump eat at the Sabarros in Time Square? It must be good! But to hell with the Super Bowl, you should write a tour guide. Great info.

    • jgclancy

      Note to self—don’t go to Sabarros

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        Trump, like new “Trying In Vain To Be Blue Collar” Mayor Doofus, ate the pizza with a knife and fork.

        http://youtu.be/obLPdlKiEns

        • FakeSandyAlderson

          I had the “over” in the “How many times will Mayor Doofus mention that he’s the parent of a public school student contest.”

  • Cookies Corner

    You forgot to mention that Frankie and Johnnie’s linguini w/clam sauce leftovers can be best toted home inside your handbag…. directly inside.

    • AngryWard

      Cookie, that clam sauce purse warmer is a must for cold weather like this. As is that gray merino wool hat you knit me. My noggin was the only part of me not freezing as I dug out our lemon this morning.

      • Cookies Corner

        Glad to hear it. Just remember I made two of those… and who got which one, my childhood friend.

  • FakeSandyAlderson

    No mention of the many AutoMats that dot the city landscape?

    • AngryWard

      Horn & Hardart are on permanent vacation with other one-time NY Luminaries such as Beefsteak Charlie, Tad, and Orange Julius.

      • FakeSandyAlderson

        Cookie’s Steakhouse?

      • Tall Matt

        Tad’s is still around

  • Cheesybruin

    Ward, the only things missing in today’s post is the Chuck Mangione trumpet solo and the I love NY logo. Did the state Dept of Tourism compensate you for your efforts?

    • AngryWard

      It’s funny, Cheeseman, I started out thinking this would be a funny idea and it just didn’t pan out that way. My brother-in-law asked me if there was any special Super Bowl stuff going on in the city and I said I was sure there was but no one really gives a damn about it.

  • SAF

    Are you really advocating getting of the S.I. Ferry on the Staten Island side?

    • AngryWard

      Yes, but mostly because you have to get off. They don’t let you stay on the boat anymore between trips. If they didn’t do this, who would go to Staten Island?

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        Getting Off In Staten Island… (complete movie title here)

    • jgclancy

      I had to wonder about that too, SAF. Don’tget off in Staten Island…nothing good can come of it. It is nice to ride on the ferry back and forth just for the photo op .
      Amazed you didn’t steer fans to the Shake Shack (no pun intended).
      Hopefully, I will be in NYC by late tonight–alas,into LaGuardia via Philthy at 10:30pm so not saying it will happen just yet.Getting home will be tough too.
      AND I”M OUT OF BURRITOS!

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        Consider taking the train from Philly… Take the local train to a NJ Transit connection and save $80…

        • jgclancy

          I always prefer to fly over New Jersey…..I still want to know why we don’t give Staten Island to New Jersey too.

      • SAF

        “Never get outta the boat! Absolutely goddamn right! Unless you were going all the way.”

      • Cookies Corner

        Right?!?! When Carrie Bradshaw went there.. she lost her Choo!

        • SAF

          Carrie Bradshaw was in Nam?

  • jgclancy

    Yanks get Tanaka and yet they still won’t win a title this decade….

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      “Yanks Buy Tanaka” is the more appropriate phraseology… and that’s a LOT to pay for sushi.

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

    You don’t think it’s bad out there?! Check this out:

  • http://ThePublicProfessor.com The Public Professor

    No mention of the grilled cheese at Billy’s Topless?

    • Cheesybruin

      You mean Billy’s Stopless?
      Classes cancelled today, Prof?

    • AngryWard

      If you don’t like the food at Billy’s, you just don’t like food.

  • Junoir Blaber

    Some great recommendations Ward.

  • FakeSandyAlderson

    Yes, the Yanks bought their new Ace pitcher, but they wanted him and needed him, and so they went and got him. No excuses about draft choice compensation; no fake claims about blocking promotion of minor leaguers, no bullshit about front loaded or back loaded contracts. They closed the deal and are now much more likely to get to the postseason at least-than they were 24 hours ago. With Sandy, it’s one prevarication after another. Always searching for reasons NOT to spend $. (other than not having any)

  • Different Matt

    Ornery Prostitute is my new band’s name

  • You Suck

    I’ll pass on the cat soup and dumplings in Chinatown. You ever been in one of those kitchens? No? Don’t worry, neither has the health department.

    • AngryWard

      You’re only slightly wrong, YS. The Health Department has been in those kitchens… but they never left.

  • WestCoastCraig

    You make me want to brave the cold for all of these, AW…though I can punch all the porkpie hipsters I want here.

    • AngryWard

      Trust me, you don’t want any part of this cold. What’s more, I’m coming out your way. Maybe we can make our own MtM version of “Hard Ticket to Hawaii.” Details to follow. Be afraid, be very afraid.

      • WestCoastCraig

        Hard ticket to Los Angeles? Just tell me when!

  • Tall Matt

    Well goddamn you’re a veritable Zagat of anger

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