Angry Ward Wednesday: Trying to Watch Sports with Two Girls in the House

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Angry Ward trying to watch sports with two girls in the house… & Downton Abbey cast.

BRONX, NY - The past several days have really served to remind me just what a losing proposition it is Trying to Watch Sports with Two Girls in the House. Wait, y’know what? I don’t think “remind” is a strong enough word. And I’d say this point was hammered home recently with crystal clarity. Let me explain.

Happy Birthday Everyone! The first thing you should know is that between my wife and me, we know 11 people with birthdays in the month of January. My daughter’s getting into the act too, but more on that in a minute. Anyway, it’s tough for us to get out and see everyone on their specific days, so instead we decided to grab dinner with two of the upcoming birthday celebrants, which was a smart move. The not-so-smart part about it was that it was this past Saturday, which also happened to be the opening night of NFL Wildcard games. As I watched the first quarter of the Colts/Chiefs tilt, I resigned myself to the fact that this would be the only part of this game I would see. There was a brief glimmer of hope when some yahoo landed a plane on the Major Deegan – which left the arrival of our babysitter in doubt – but those high school kids are savvy roadsters and she arrived right on time. So, off we went to Blue Smoke for some BBQ and bourbon (not in that order) and bonding with our buds. Luckily, the game was on at the bar and my friend Scott and I managed to watch a good deal of it from our booth… without seeming like complete anti-social a-holes. And it was a good thing too, because that game was insanely entertaining. Also, I wisely DVR’d the late Saints/Eagles tilt and was able to take it all in (as well as some additional bourbon) after all had gone to sleep.

With any luck, I'll get to watch the Super Bowl.

With any luck, I’ll get to watch the Super Bowl.

Happy Birthday… Again? On Sunday my daughter had the 6th birthday party of one of her classmates to attend at Bounce U up in Elmsford, NY. I have been to too many of these to count at this point, so earlier in the week I played my Ralph KramdenKing of the Castle” card and declared that there was no way in hell I was going to this party. No. Way. Well unfortunately for me, on Sunday, Hell froze over. The Metropolitan area experienced some sort of strange frozen rain storm that transformed the streets and sidewalks into one giant skating rink. I thought for sure that the party would be canceled, so I immediately started trying to figure out where I would watch the game, as there was no way my wife and her mini me would let me watch it on the one TV we have hooked up to cable. (And, no, I don’t like watching football on a computer.)

But then something worse happened. Much worse. The party wasn’t canceled and they were going. It seems no one besides me was worried about the roads. I couldn’t let them go alone, could I? What if they got in an accident? Ah f*** it all to hell. Where’s my coat? I’m going. It’s only the Bengals/Chargers anyway. En route, I challenged my wife to predict how many Dads would show. I thought no more than one or two morons such as myself. She predicted a few more. You know what? Just about all the Dads in this kid’s class showed up! You know what else? Not a single one of them cared that there was an NFL playoff game on! It was like a Twilight Zone episode! Do I live in Guam or something? Two hours plus of bouncing and pizza and Star Wars cake later, we were making our way back home – where I was already DVRing Green Bay/San Fran. I got to watch a little of the tape delayed first quarter before my daughter emerged from her bath and played the Shrek II card. I turned my cell phone off, read a magazine, and finished watching the game later… much later.

Gibb and Allison watch more TV than me.

Gibb and Allison watch more TV than me.

Are You Ready for Some Abbey? So Monday rolls around and we took my brother out for his birthday dinner at Frankie and Johnnie’s Pine Restaurant in the East Bronx. We got there nice and early, 5-ish, so I would be home in plenty of time to watch the BCS National Championship. Some pasta fagiole, veal francese, lamb chops, fettucine carbonara and several glasses of wine later we were back home in plenty of time for the game. Then I see my wife, who’s been telling me all evening how exhausted she is, settling down on the couch and turning on the TV. “What the hell is this?” I wonder aloud. “I’m watching the Downton Abbey season premiere,” she replies. “I DVR’d it while you were watching your football game Sunday night.” As I was about to launch into a spirited counter argument, I thought better of it. I may be an idiot but I know this: You do not get between a woman (and a lot of men for that matter, I’m lookin’ at you Tall Matt) and her Downton Abbey

I bowed my head, defeated, and slunk back into the bedroom where I popped in the DVD of the John Cusack/Daphne Zuniga cross-country rom com, The Sure Thing. As I kicked back and prepared for Tim Robbins singing show tunes and Cusack shotgunning beers, I thought of the film’s title. The only sure thing I’ve got going right now is that when it comes to watching sports, I can’t.

Come back to tomorrow for the not-DVR’d latest MTM Podcast… And Here’s Tall Matt getting interrupted while getting his Abbey on.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • jgclancy

    Click

  • Amy2ndRow

    Don’t let you wife catch you sleeping thru Abbey! lol

    • AngryWard

      Amy, I’m pretty much a gamer when it comes to watching my wife’s favorite shows. I’ve sat through countless hours of HGTV home improvement and real estate shows as well as the occasional reality slop, but I just can’t get into this Downton Abbey at all. It’s a show about maids and butlers fer crissakes. What’s next, a PBS drama about Metro North conductors?

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Truth be told, we opted to watch Abbey over all sporting events.

      • buffalobilly84

        Maybe they’re capri pants. lol

        • buffalobilly84

          Damn! I put this in the wrong place! It should be about the pants thing! haha

  • Matt’s Cousin

    You must live in some artsy fartsy neighborhood since none of the dads cared about the game. That’s the price you pay for being a snob! :-)

    • Matt’s Cousin

      The video is very funny! Tile!

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        Cuz! Which cuz of which Matt!? Assuming Short Matt??? Either way, we still didn’t get our Christmas gift. Did you send it to the right address?

    • AngryWard

      Ha! Yeah, I don’t know about artsy fartsy. Maybe… for the Bronx.

  • FakeSandyAlderson

    As a veteran of numerous birthday parties, kids gatherings etc I can tell you that the hard core sports fans are home watching football while their emasculated effeminate Dad “peers” show up at the birthday parties. With twins, I never had the chance to take these parties off but I did use those opportunities to carve out a nice reputation as the most reviled man in my town. That made it all worthwhile.

    • AngryWard

      Fake Sandy. If the weather wasn’t the way it was, there was no way I was going to that party. At this point I am dangerously close to the “most reviled” line which, like you said, isn’t such a bad thing. Though I think I’d be much better off cultivating my current image which is, “that guy who wears short pants in January.”

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        Short pants – like “Where’s the flood?” pants – or shorts?

        • AngryWard

          I like saying short pants the same way I like saying underpants. So sue me.

  • Tall Matt

    When Angry Ward becomes your unexpected dinner companion (as he was last night), the world’s axis is off kilter. Somehow I managed to bring up most topics from this forthcoming post – Honeymooners, BCS game, Daphne Zuniga, Blue Smoke, bourbon (that’s a given) all the way to Downton Abbey. We also discussed the slippery slope of P&Ks (where we ended up by default when MY Piper’s Kilt in Inwood was shuttered due to no heat) what with watered down Jack Daniels, less than stellar burgers, loud DJs and the art of gratuity. When Angry Ward’s VISA gift card that had $13 left on it was declined the debate ensued over whether or not you should tip on FULL priced burgers (all of our burgers where 1/2 price – buy one drink and get 1/2 price burger on Tuesdays) or on the discounted burger. It was a deeply moral theme but AW concluded quickly he would tip on the discounted burgers. Later that evening it weighed on my mind that Tommy and I had benefited on the 1/2 price burgers but neither of us had a drink, therefore benefiting from the discount without having met the discounts preconditions. Ward and Clancy generously drank enough to cover most of the dining patrons so the guilt abated somewhat. I learned one more interesting thing last night – Ward NEVER wears pants to drop his daughter off at school. This was confirmed by former Shasky, Hollywood Drummond and his wife Tanya who were also at P&Ks. Even their three sons knew him as the guy without pants. things I take away from today’s post and last night’s dinner –

    NEVER be known as the guy without pants.
    GET a 2nd TV and cable box GUY OR make better use of DVRing at least.
    P&K on 231st Street – epic diarrhea

    • jgclancy

      Sad to say but the burger at 231st P & K’s was not that good….I didn’t even eat the last few bites.Imagine that!
      “NEVER be known as the guy without pants”—segue into Angry Ward DirecTV commercial…..it ends with him being in prison with Short Matt as him cellmate.

    • AngryWard

      ***Gift Card Update***
      Just successfully used the gift card that PK’s declined last night at Ye Olde Riverdale Avenue Grog Shoppe to the tune of 14 bucks. I hope you can now rest easy that we didn’t tip on full price burgers. That guy was lucky he got his 20+ percent. The Kingsbridge Kilt is dead to me… except for the occasional brunch, at which times I will do my best to drink them to financial ruin.

      • jgclancy

        The hokey burger naming annoyed me too. I wanted a bacon cheddar burger not an “Eli Manning Bacon Cheeseburger”. Test run the comp yet?

        • AngryWard

          Have not tested comp yet. Stay tuned. Agreed, the sports names on the burgers is stupid.

  • SAF

    Dang Ward, I can’t believe we didn’t run into each other Saturday eve while I was out with my wife celebrating my January birthday?!? After a fantastic dinner at NoMad, we headed over to the Jazz Standard to catch the 9:30PM Henry Butler show, and some birthday bourbon for me! Sunday, one of my birthday gifts was the new season of Downton Abby, and as a fan of that show, I feel I should warn you, you don’t want to be caught napping on that couch when under-butler or footman or valet or whatever he is now Thomas is prancing about.

    • AngryWard

      Too bad we missed you, Sammy. Would have been fun to knock back a few. We were there before seven and I was wondering who was packing ‘em in at The Jazz Standard. There was a line out the door when I got there. Next time, let’s double. You and my Missus can talk Downton and me and your wife can talk about your imaginary friends.

  • Cookies Corner

    I gotta say, I’m happy to report that the only thing that prevented me from watching any portion of either game was the back of my eyelids or shooing The Littlest Cookie downstairs to watch Despicable Me 2, so I could watch the game upstairs with Mr Cookie and Mini Cookie. (Mini Cookie was clutching his new Dallas Cowboys football, and then said something snide about the Giants, to which Mr. Cookie then replied ‘Well they’re playing golf,’ to which I replied… ‘Well so are the Giants.’ At that time, The Littlest Cookie had come upstairs just in time to shout ‘The Broncos are WINNING!!! BRONCOS! BRONCOS! BRONCOS!’ Yea kid.. the Broncos ARE winning the last team standing in this household. We win.

    I watched Downton Abbey.. once. Two years ago when hostage at Mom Cookie’s house. I tried to watch part of this greatly hyped new season return’s episode on Sunday… alas… I could not get into it. (And yea… I checked.. and I have a vagina.)

    • AngryWard

      (waiting for Yankee Joe to volunteer second nether region inspection)

      • Cookies Corner

        And there goes lunch.

        • Yankee Joe

          im here Wardette dont you worry…. I NEED PROOF COOKIE BABY!! Show Big Joe your proof!!!! And it figures that Samanthas A Fan likes jazz!!! JAZZ SUCKS – LIKE PIAZZA WHO DIDNT GET IN THE HALL!!!!!!!!

          • SAF

            Really Joe? You’re going to give me grief about jazz, but not about Downton Abby?

          • AlexanderBorisDePfeffelJohnson

            Jazz… A cacophony of talentless beasts randomly beating their chests. How American.

    • Randy Levine

      and I have a vagina

  • Cheesybruin

    “Do I live in Guam?”…good stuff, Ward. You’re building equity with these appearances, so I hope you keep score and pick the appropriate time to cash in WHENEVER YOU want. Draw the line at those Hallmark movies, though.

  • Tall Matt

    Maddux – Glavine – Frank Thomas. Baseball Hall of Fame inductees Class of 2014. Congratulations. Next year for Piazza and Biggio.

    • AngryWard

      Good to see New York Met Tom Glavine get in.

      • Dude

        glavine should not be in the hall. the last game of his career is why. if he doesn’t have an ump who calls strikes on the corners he’s an amateur at best. f him. glad maddux didn’t beat out tom terrific’s highest percentage ever. after reading this i’m thankful for three things- two tv’s, a wife who does not watch downton abbey (and f-you it should be downtoWn stupid pbs idiots), and a boy baby on the way

        • SAF

          Congrats Dude! Both on the wife and the one in the oven!

          • AngryWard

            Dude, you have been a busy man. Well done. Also, agreed on Glavine. When he left the Braves the umps mysteriously stopped giving him those strikes a foot off the plate.

    • Baseball Lifer

      Sammy Sosa dropped to 7%. If you go below 5% you come off the ballot. You’d think that the Writer’s Association would send the right message and put Biggio in – he played hard every play for 20 years and was clean. Plus he played for the same team. He deserved to be in and they should have put Morris in as well.

      • Tall Matt

        I may have jumped the gun there on Biggio and Piazza next year. Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez become eligible and they should be first ballot guys. Hopefully Johnson goes in as a Yankee and Martinez as a Met. Fingers crossed

        • Dude

          no way pedro goes in as a met, and johnson should go in as a diamondback.

          • Tall Matt

            Way

          • Dude

            he’s going in as an expo or red sock. he only played one actual season for the mets

          • Tall Matt

            Nuh uh

          • AngryWard

            I was going to make the argument that Johnson should go in as a Mariner but, jeez, the guy won four Cy Young awards in Arizona… and that World Series.

  • WestCoastCraig

    Directed by Rob Reiner, currently with a nice turn in Wolf of Wall Street!

  • Liz B

    Oh, poor AW having so many awesome Capricorns in his life. Do you realize you have enough to make a football team of your own? The Goats are your most organized, fearless and responsible (with exception of eating the grass they play on) of all the signs! “Signals, Jerry, it’s Signals!” As for Downton, it’s ok to get a little culture. I suggest you try watching it while sipping tea and eating finger sandwiches served in one of those football platters they always try to push around the Super Bowl. That’s why they call it a super bowl! For the record, I do recall by brother (Angry) Jeff listening to the games on his transistor radio when he was forced to go see My Fair Lady and such on a Sunday to celebrate my mom’s and my birthday. I expect a phone call on SUNDAY, my birthday, thanking me for this great suggestion. 1-800-OLD-GOAT.

  • Junoir Blaber

    Ward, get another cable box. We have 3 tvs and dvrs. Two bedrooms and the living room have it. There is only two of us in the house. That would help.
    I do feel your pain though. I haven’t watched a live Jets game for most of the season and all I can watch is the Jets. If it is not them then it must be the super bowl. I have use all my sports on TV privilege on Man U Soccer and rugby. Most on DVR or on my Computer so I end up watching early morning hours or late at night like some troll hidden in the darkness.

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