Angry Ward Wednesday: Where Are You Watching the Super Bowl?

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Rob_Ryan cries Meet_The_MattsNEW YORK, NY - Super Bowl XLVIII (which is both a roman numeral and Rob Ryan’s underwear size) is only days away and New Yorkers are so excited about this spirited match-up between two teams from completely different solar systems than our own that we can hardly contain our collective narcolepsy. Nevertheless the SB hype machine is in full swing with all kinds of really dumb sh*t to avoid at all costs all over town. Hear me now! Don’t give the NFL one more dime of your money. On Tuesday scads of single-celled pond scum were paying 30 bucks a pop to sit in the stands and watch (watch!) Media Day in Newark (Newark!). Anyway, other than steering clear of of the lead-up crap, the only things left to do are secure at least one box in a Super Bowl pool (for entertainment purposes only) and figure out where you’re going to watch the game. Here are a few options and what they could possibly mean.

emirates_flamenco2The Family Guy. There’s nothing wrong with settling down with your nearest and dearest to watch the Super Bowl… unless we’re talking kids eight years and under, in which case all bets are f***ing off. You cannot possibly watch a big-time sporting event with a bunch of lunatics running around grinding Doritos into your carpet like a pack of sugared-up, sawed-off Flamenco dancers. Unless you’re a monster you can also forget about drinking your face off and cursing like a sailor. Nope, with kiddies involved, this one is strictly for the Kurt Warners’ and Ned Flanders’ of the world.

The Ticket Holder. Wait, you have tickets to the game? Seriously? Well you must be some kind of insane Seahawks or Broncos fan and took out another mortgage on your house, right? You’re not? Well then, I’m sorry to say that you’re either some rich douche who knows nothing about football or some middle-corporate mongoloid who scored tickets through your company and knows even less about football. Either way, you haven’t figured out that it’s way better to watch the game just about anywhere but at the game. Have fun waiting in line to go the bathroom.

Game? What game?

Game? What game?

Sports Bar Schmuck. There’s very little margin for error when it comes to watching the Super Bowl in a bar. First things first, all chain sports bars (Buffalo Wild Wings, Hooters, etc.) are strictly off limits. They will be packed with nothing but loud, obnoxious, and mostly-friendless rabble wearing all manner of stupid football jerseys. The problem is, on Super Sunday, most other bars try to turn themselves into chain sports bars by charging an entrance fee and serving mostly-awful food to the very same aforementioned rabble. You might have a cool neighborhood joint where you know the regulars and could have a good time watching the game but it’s really not worth the risk.

Sports Bar! Enter at Own Risk.

Sports Bar! Enter at Own Risk.

Vegas, Baby! I did this one year with friends (the year the Ravens tossed the Giants around like a bunch of rag dolls) and it was great. Key thing to remind yourself is, “This is not a Super Bowl trip, we are here to gamble and drink and drink and gamble, and the Super Bowl just happens to be happening on the same weekend.” Don’t over-think it. Gamble on all the crazy prop bets. Drink, drink, drink. Watch it anywhere. I’m pretty sure you’ll have a decent time.

The Gourmet Club. If someone you know is a very good cook or, more importantly, their girlfriend is a very good cook and they invite you over to watch the game, you should strongly consider it. There’s always a fairly good chance that the game could suck but if the food and drink are amazing who really gives a rat’s ass. A few years back my friends (you know who you are) had me and a bunch of other unfortunates over to watch the Saints beat the Colts. I hardly remember details of the game but the main menu item, roast suckling pig, haunts my dreams to this day.

Your Loser Friends. To me, this is really the best option. Look, your wife doesn’t want you around while she and her friends are busy critiquing the commercials and Bruno Mars’ halftime performance, while crippling gridiron punishment goes largely unnoticed. The good news is, you have friends whose wives feel the same way. Better news, you have single and divorced friends who really just want to eat a mess of greasy food and howl at the moon. The best news is, these single dudes have a bunch of booze in the fridge and are anxious to host. Think of it as a reverse “fresh air fund” where disadvantaged married guys are taken away from their clean houses and loving families and brought to a ne’er-do-well day camp. Well, it’s actually a night camp but you get the picture. I’ve already booked my reservation at this final option. Let the good times roll.

Tune in tomorrow for another Super MTM Podcast</strong>.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • AngryWard

    There was one other important option I forgot to add, Prison, which is where Broncos wide receiver Demaryius Thomas’ mother and grandmother will be watching the big game. That’s gotta be rough. It’s one thing to have your Mom in prison (hey, we’ve all been there, right?), but your Grandma? Sheesh.

    • Toby12

      I hope they work there. lol

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        They do… making license plates. Bam!

        • Junoir Blaber

          Grandma ran a drug empire and Mama’s house was one of the Safe houses. Feds nabbed Grandma and tried to squeeze mama to flip. Mama refused to flip on her Mama, so booth are doing time. They are invited to join the Blabers for Christmas whenever they get out.

  • Cookies Corner

    OK. So now that you’ve added prison, I think you’ve covered them all. It seems you’ve got the best option planned for yourself. Well done.
    Unfortunately, there’s not really any equivalent option for say…. a female Broncos fan. Alas, I’ll be likely watching at one or two neighbors’ houses.. one of which has the best chili ever.. and the other should have some good grub too. Both houses have basements where the kids can play and I don’t have to hear anything that might tear my attention away from the game.

    • AngryWard

      A basement is really nothing more than a wood-paneled prison for kids. You’re lucky that’s part of the equation.

      • FakeSandyAlderson

        The Super Bowl is analogous to the amateur night that is New Year’s Eve. When it’s a couple of flyover cities in the SB such as this year’s game I could care less where I watch. When the Giants are involved, it’s Bunker time. Only die hard fellow Jint fans get to come. You cannot be distracted by some pear shaped douche whose got 17 dollars riding on the Quarter score ending in 3. And why does it have to be on Sunday? Favorite SB ever was the Bills-Skins when America was introduced afterward to the magic of Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper.

        • SAF

          I loved this reply!

          • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

            FSA and SAF in the same thread?! Where are AFS and FAS, when you need them?! But seriously, we don’t watch any big games (not that this one is) anywhere but from our oxblood leather couch. Sans booze. Put that in your pipes and smoke it… Furthermore, tomorrow’s podcast will deal with how the Super Bowl is actually bad for the economy and the towns it is in…

      • Cookies Corner

        Yea. Another case of buyer’s remorse with this house. No basement. There’s a playroom.. but then i can still hear the ruckus and fights I have to break up. IF a basement, THEN no disturbances until someone comes up bleeding.

        • jgclancy

          Our mother said stay in the basement if you were bleeding.
          Years later when I was raising my kid brother for a few years I had two rules for him & his friends. 1) Do whatever I say 2) No bleeding on the carpets. Those were my rules.

          • Cookies Corner

            I like your two rules Clancy. Perfection. I expected nothing less. Thank you for sharing.

    • SAF

      I’ve been completely indifferent to the outcome of this game because I truly have no rooting interest other than the Quarter score ending in a 3 (see hilarious comment below from FSA!), but now that I’ve remembered that The Fabulous Cookie is a Bronco’s fan, I will root for Peyton and the men in orange for Cookie’s sake.

      • Cookies Corner

        Aw. Thank you Sam’s A Fan. Me and the Littlest Cookie appreciate your support! GO BRONCOS!!

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      We’ll be snacking on those oatmeal cookies you sent us, Cookie. Can’t wait!

      • Cookies Corner

        OH! They got there already?!??! AWESOME!!!!!! Glad you are enjoying them! Save some for the game!!!

        • Junoir Blaber

          Go broncos because John Fox is not a douche like Pete Carroll

          • Cookies Corner

            Eff yea Blaber!!

  • SAF

    Your loser friends sort of sounds like an analog of a day at Cosmo Kramer Fantasy Camp?

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

    We’ll be catching up on “Dude, You Are Screwed,” “Ultimate Alaska Survival” and “Sherlock.” Pete Carroll’s hair is too painful for us follicly-challenged types to look at.

  • Cheesybruin

    Vegas sounds outstanding but I’ll see you amid the greasy food and the hyped-up game.

  • jgclancy

    Rootin’ for Cookie’s Broncos since Carroll is still tainted from USC although I do like the Seahawks in general. Really just want Manning to win to yank the Colts chain!
    Haven’t made any decision about my Super Bowl destination if any. I try not to plan my life that far ahead.

    • Cookies Corner

      Thank you Clancy!!

      • AngryWard

        I’ll go to church and pray for the Broncos if you send me a gallon bag of chocolate chip goodness. Otherwise, I’ll just normally root for them with no holy intervention requests.

        • Cookies Corner

          The more likely request to obtain cookies from me is to tell me you WON’T root for them, Angry Ward. Generally, you have proven to be a jinx (last game where you had Peyton on your team notwithstanding).

          • AngryWard

            Whatever gets me the cookies is okay by me. If you need me to get into Marshawn Beast Mode and start eating skittles, I will.

          • Cookies Corner

            I have no idea what you’re talking about Angry Ward.. but it sounds great. I also will have no time to write Friday’s “Cookie’s Corner” if I’m baking all these damn cookies.

    • AngryWard

      JG Clancy, I’m sure you’re on the guest list for Grote’s nephew’s gathering which, rumor has it, will be catered by Frankie and Johnnie’s Pine. Last year I didn’t drink during the game. Thinking I’ll try the opposite this time around.

  • WestCoastCraig

    If drinking and cursing around your 8-year old makes you a monster, then I’m King Ghidorah. And that’s not even when a football game is on.

    There was a string of Super Bowls where me and my loser buddies would go to Las Vegas (including that Raven-Giant one!), and it was always a blast. We also followed your rules and, after getting in all our stupid prop bets, avoided the sports book and all those yahoos and watched the game up in one of the hotel rooms.

  • Tall Matt

    Good Shepherd School Auditorium
    620 Isham Street
    New York, NY 10034

    $35 a head. Hot & cold buffet. Open bar (beer & wine)
    HD projector onto a 18 x 14 ft screen.

    Doors open at 4:30p

    A train to West 207th Street – exit Isham St.

    All on this site and elsewhere are welcome!

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