FROZEN TUNDRA, CT – Happy Bobby Valentine’s Day, everyone! Enough snow for ya here in the Northeast?! Another snow day here and more piles of snow to go on top of piles of snow, because we don’t want these things to melt before August. And it’s sixty-three degrees in Sochi and the skiers are working on mashed potatoes. Get them on over here… I’ve got a Super G-spot right here in my front yard!
On the bright side, I have been able to watch some of the Winter Olympics, which in my book are the ugly stepsister to the Summer Olympics. The summer version is far more athletic on the whole, yet I’ve actually been enjoying some stuff and had my curiosity peaked by other facets of the Winter Olympics. Let’s Go, De Blasio!
Curling. Why is this a sport? Why are they wearing ugly pants this year? And for god’s sakes, this ‘sport’ has me wondering WHY my kitchen floor can’t be as shiny as the ice those people are sweeping and curling on.
Speed Skating: Short course, long course… that sh*t is COOL! The blades on the skates look cool and some of those speedsuits are WICKED cool. Team USA’s speedsuit is very cool. When people wipe out that’s pretty cool too.
Ski Jumping: It’s exciting this year as women’s ski jumping is now and Olympic sport. Still, I’m not getting why this is athletic, unless you consider sticking the landing super athletic. Sure, it’s important to stick the landing… but still.
Raging Conjunctivitis: I’ve been RIVETED by this since Sunday night. Bob Costas came on the air with his specs on and a red eye. I thought ‘Is that PINK EYE?!’ Alas, the next day the interwebs confirmed he DID have pink eye. Then the NEXT night he came on air and I said to Mr. Cookie “Does that look like his OTHER eye is red now?!” And he said, “Maybe.” But they never got too close to Bob and it was hard to tell. So, I tuned in the NEXT night (who the f*ck knows what was on, I was now morbidly obsessed with Bob’s eyeballs), and… WAIT… that’s MATT LAUER! 
And he confirms he’s FILLING IN FOR BOB COSTAS who “... has been battling an eye infection.” And so Matt’s commentary is minimal on it last night and I’m SERIOUSLY OBSESSED wondering if Bob’s being fitted for a double Sammy Davis, Jr. special or shopping for a seeing eye dog.
Team Ice Skating: WHY?! This looks like ice dancing to me. So, we’ve got MORE of this crap televised?! And I tell you what… if I have to watch this crap because it’s all that’s being televised of the Olympics in prime time, I’d like to see and hear more of the commentary of flaming Johnny Weir. Thanks.
Team Luge: Thank the snow day for this one, as I wouldn’t have seen it otherwise. Team Luge is when there are three lugers and it APPEARS the single luge person goes first and it’s a woman. THEN after she goes, TWO DUDES pile on a sled… LAYING on top of each other and go. While you’d THINK all that weight would make the sled go FASTER, from what I saw it netted MAYBE 1.5-2MPH faster than the single did – and ONLY during the last three seconds of the course. So.. what’s the point?! Hmmm… I dunno. But this at least explains some stuff to me, including instances where Canadians get it RIGHT.
https://youtu.be/effb2JYiKXM
And with that…I’m skating on out of here. Come on back tomorrow for some more slippery fun with Junoir Blaber.
