Angry Ward Wednesday: February is the Cruelest Sports Month

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st0126stskaters-1BRONX, NY - I’m writing this one day after a tiny little snow event dumped eight inches of pure uncut powder on Gotham and now they’re saying we’re going to get a bunch more tonight going into tomorrow. Normally this wouldn’t bother me – I love the snow – but my brother just flew down to Florida this morning and I’m on the hook for shoveling out his building as well as putting out the trash. He has this incredibly innate skill related to getting out of Dodge in advance of snow storms… and leaving yours truly holding the shovel. I’m serious, he’s got like a career .975 batting average when it comes to this stuff. Anyway, there are certainly worse things happening in the world. Here’s a few.

Dropping Like Flies. As everyone knows, Philip Seymour Hoffman was found dead in his apartment last weekend of what looks like a drug overdose. He’s just another in a long line of talented folks felled by the needle. As Neil Young said, “I’m not a preacher, but drugs killed a lot of great men.Phillip Seymour Hoffman in moneyballHe leaves behind three kids which is far more tragic than never seeing him act again. But I am kind of upset that the last movie I saw him in was The Master, a film that sent me screaming for the exits. Instead, I’ll prefer to remember him from The Big Lebowski or his fairly hilarious turn in the otherwise mediocre Along Came Polly. Finally, his completely inept Art Howe was the best thing in Moneyball.

Also checking out recently was folk legend Pete Seeger. He lived a good long life, had a strong set of principles, wrote some important songs, and will hopefully have the new Tappan Zee Bridge named after him, so we’re not gonna get too broken up.

But lost in all of this… well… loss, was the passing of Maximilian Schell. He made a ton of movies and won an Oscar but I’ll never forget him as Larry London in The Freshman, an absolutely fantastic character and performance. Farewell, Larry.

Angry_Ward ice dancing Meet_The_MattsFebruary Sucks. I’ve said this a million times over but, February sucks. It’s easily the worst month of the year. Not because of the weather, which is lousy, or my birthday, which is no picnic either, but because February sports and entertainment absolutely rot. The Super Bowl was awful. Basketball and Hockey are long way off from any sort of meaningful games. March Madness is still around a month and a half away. And Hollywood is busy dropping it’s festering garbage into theaters.

But, there’s always the Olympics, right? I actually like the winter Olympics, but all reports out of Mother Russia is that Sochi is nothing more than one big open sewer. Still, what else is there to do? Might as well tune in for some hockey and ski jumping (I always liked ski jumping.). Short Matt will be glued to ice dancing, as usual. Same with Junoir and curling. But that short track speed skating has got to go. I know pitchers and catchers report, but that’s hardly consolation for a guy who roots for the Mets and Mariners.

Midwinter Recess? Just checked my kid’s school calendar and see that she’s out of school for the entire week starting the 17th. What in th-? OK, consider this column done. Sorry, I know it’s severely lacking, like February itself. But I’ve got a crap load of work to get to before this frogging midwinter recess. De Blasio!!!!!!!!!

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • AngryWard

    Note to self: Buy more vests.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Can’t really fault any of the MTM Staff after seeing the pix in this column, can we?

  • Nick Erbocker

    I like your tights… hope that was hockey training. lol… you forgot to mention how miserable th Knicks are. Go Rangers!

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      The other night the Knicks set a new low. Why would anyone pay to see that team? Meanwhile, the NY Rangers keep punching that “monkey” Cheesy Bruin’s prognostications in the “proboscis.”

      • Cheesybruin

        And once again, the Rangers aren’t gaining ground on the Bruins, who won again last night and are 7-1-1 in their last nine. Stick that in your nose and smoke it!

        • amy2ndrow

          That picture is HILLARIOUS!!! And you make a cute skater, Ward! :-)

          • AngryWard

            Another note to self: Skates and tight pants add at least a half foot to my height.

  • oblique outlook

    Art Howe wasn’t fat. Who cast that, the same person that made John Goodman the Babe?

    • AngryWard

      No, Howe wasn’t fat, just a fathead. Who would you have cast as Babe Ruth? The people have a right to know.

      • Cheesybruin

        Victor French.

      • Baseball Lifer

        Goodman would have been okay if he was 50 lbs lighter at the time. Ruth wasn’t ever that fat.

  • DavidTyree

    Great article. Thank you. Loved the Freshman. Couldn’t stand Pete Seeger who couldn’t even play the banjo. I am not David Tyree, but picked this name February 5, 2008. Men’s downhill Sunday, I think.

    • AngryWard

      The Freshman really is an underrated movie. Bruno Kirby was really good in it too.

  • SAF

    I’ve been listening to Pete Seeger my whole life so I didn’t do anything for him, but in honor of Phillip Seymour Hoffman, on Monday I listened to Neil Young’s “Needle and the damage done” and James Brown’s “King Heroin” a bunch of times. I don’t know how to properly commemorate Maximillian Schell other than to watch the clip you’ve provided for us.

  • WestCoastCraig

    I for a second worried if Maximillian Schell was swallowed up by a black hole.

    • AngryWard

      I can always count on your for the hilariously obscure references. Weren’t there some robots in that movie? What were their names?

  • Junoir Blaber

    I actually do like Curling. It is mesmerizing. You watch it and think, if I keep watching, I will figure out what is going on but I never do.

  • Junoir Blaber

    http://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/olympics/sochi/2014/02/05/jamaican-bobsled-team-winston-watts-equipment/5220887/
    Jamaician Bobsled team will be at the Winter Olympics again. Great story but nothing more than freak show.

  • Cheesybruin

    Let’s not forget PSH in Scent of A Woman as one of the spoiled kids Frank Slade chastises. Larry Lonnnnndonnnnnn!!! This post was considerably less painful than any long program by Brian Boitano or any other piece of fruit, for that matter.

    • AngryWard

      Cheesy, you gay skate bashing would play very well in Sochi. Sometimes it’s best if you Putin sock in it.

      • Cheesybruin

        Guilty as charged.

      • Cookies Corner

        ‘best if you Putin sock in it.’ Game over. Done. Ward wins the internet and two feet of snow and ice. DeBlasio!

  • Cookies Corner

    Loved this column.. and the pics were stellar. Congrats on the MtM Photo Edit team for finally moving into the new millenium. But then I’ve gotta squash that for that picture of that primate with the phallic nose.

    I hate the Winter Olympics. Sure there are some real athletics going on.. but generally they suck to watch. I am pretty pleased that I now know that Skeleton is the luge… but on the belly/headfirst. That sh*t is bananas… b-a-n-a-n-a-s!

    DeBlasio!

    • AngryWard

      Cookie, I won’t tell you how long it took me to dig out Ice Station Zebra down in Marble Hill, but I was hallucinating pretty badly by the end of it. Just glad that (apparently) your power is still on. I was worried for you. Anyway, if you want any idea of how tired I am. I really could use some liquid comedy to warm things up but just can’t bring myself to walk over to Ye Olde Grog Shoppe. Pathetic. Maybe I can commandeer a skeleton sled.

  • Stevo

    This was one of my favorites stories on here. Some funny shit.

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