Oscar, Oscar! West Coast Craig with Sports Oscars


Warding off a trip to the Psyche Ward for behavior untoward the fine wards of this site, as inquired by the stewards, our friend Angry Ward has been rewarded with a major award for the Most Awards Award, awarded by the war department, and cut a deal with the warden for a day off. He’s checking his wardrobe as we speak, but it’s onwards and upwards for the rest of us so let’s get to it…


The Cheesy Bruin

The Cheesy Bruin

HOLLYWOOD, CA:  My next scheduled post is for the day after the Academy Awards, so this is my last chance to weigh in on the Best Picture nominees. It’s what us West Coast types are pros at.

Gravity: The Swimsuit Issue is entirely old fashioned and quaint in these days of easy Pornhub access on any screen…I mean, who still looks at print media? Still, Kate Upton, with all of her assets unencumbered by gravity – is quite inspired. Kudos for finding gimmicky new ways to stay relevant, Sports Illustrated…and for giving me hope for what Alfonso Cuaron’s Gravity 2 might promise.

12 Years a Slave: Robinson Cano was drafted in 2001 by the New York Yankees and spent twelve years in the organization enslaved to a life of cruel and antiquated rules about facial hair. Well he’s free at last, free at last…and this is what he does, a beard/no mustache combo? We’ll call these his rumspringa days of experimentation.

Robinson Cano

A slave… don’t you know?!

American Hustle: Speaking of Cano, the slow non-Olympic news cycle found a tiny ember to fan into something shiny when Kevin Long criticized his former protégé for not running out ground balls. No sane person would bother taking the bait and commenting on such a comment, but the Mariners have a new manager in town, and Lloyd McClendon has never met bait he hasn’t risen to, both defending Cano’s right to dog it and then saying that nobody on his team dogs it. Slow down guys, let’s save the fight for the field…

Philomena: …like they do in Cuba, where two of the top teams, Matanzas and Villa Clara, ended up in a brawl where one of the players came off the bench and went all Juan Marichal on the opposing pitcher with a bat, actually slugging a first baseman on the backswing. Rumor has it that it started over a woman…a woman named Philomena (I’m officially starting that rumor because I know the film is a charming British-French comedy about a mother and son reunion and has nothing to do with Cuban baseball).


Captain Phillips: Brandon Phillips has been a Red longer than anybody, shouldn’t he be made Captain?

Dallas Buyers Club: Thinking Captain Phillips was about Wade Phillips, the Cowboys tried to bring him back but he’s already busy keeping Houston mediocre.

Wolf of Wall Street: Come on, nine nominees? These are giving diminishing returns quick. Let’s just look at more pictures/space bouncing of Kate Upton, and root on Team USA against the Czech Republic in the quarterfinals today.

Come back tomorrow for more Meet The Matts Radio… rumor has it that Mad Dog and Mike Francesa might be reunited in the MTM Studio!

Share Button

Filed in: West Coast Craig
Tagged with:

About the Author ()

West Coast Craig reports from Hollywood with an endearingly laid back style. A happily married father of two little boys, WCC has an avocado tree in his yard, plays the hot corner in a "Valley" hardball league and always manages to take cool sports-related mini road-trips, often with his immediate clan. He hails from Oneonta, NY but has been "So very L.A." for twenty years, so his sports teams are the Yankees AND the Dodgers, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the L.A. Lakers and the Colorado Avalanche/Quebec Nordiques. WCC loves bacon-wrapped hotdogs and can touch his heel and his ear... with his hand.
  • Tony Donuts

    Who in Seattle will make Cano stop sucking his thumb long enough to play? No Jeter, Posada or Mo. What a spoiled little baby.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Hopefully nobody, Tony… That will make Fair Weather Mariners fan, Angry Ward, angry!

    • Junoir Blaber

      Who knows, now that Robbie doesn’t have to kiss the ring under King Jeter and Lords Mo and Jorgie Porgie, he can enjoy the game.

  • AngryWard

    Thanks for the pinch hit home run, Craig! Now we’re only down 9 runs in the bottom of the ninth. Don’t give the relics at SI too much credit. The Kate Upton zero gravity idea was Jimmy Fallon’s. He came up with it when he had her on as a guest after last year’s issue.

    • WestCoastCraig

      Now if Conan thought of that, he’d still be hosting the Tonight Show.

      Speaking of Conan, I totally missed his Mel Brooks salute to Sid Caesar last night because I was writing this! (I actually forgot all about it until just now, but I still blame Short Matt!)

    • Tall Matt

      Only you would know that. Upton stalker.

  • Cheesybruin

    I KNEW that statue was a Bruins fan! Pass the popcorn.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      It’s only appropriate since you’ve been “acting” like a hockey fan for ages!

      • Cheesybruin

        OUCH! That hurts.

  • Cheesybruin

    With a neat shot of Finlandia Vodka…SKOL to Tuukka Rask and the Finns in eliminating host country Russia, 3-1. TWO U’s, TWO K’s, TOO MUCH!

    • Different Matt

      Russia out!!!! Putin’s pukin’ in his borscht.

      • Cheesybruin

        How good was Rask, Diff?

        • Junoir Blaber

          It is getting ugly in Sochi. That is the thing with Knockout comps though. Anything can happen.

        • Different Matt

          CB he looks great. I was very surprised Ted Nolan’s Latvia beat Switzerland yesterday. Jonas Hiller had been the stand out goalie of these Olympics. Can Teddy pull off a real miracle today and beat Canada?

          • Cheesybruin

            Hiller has the SICKEST glove hand in hockey!

  • SAF

    Where can I find video of Kate Upton’s heavenly body in space?

  • Cheesybruin

    LADIES AND GERMS…USA VS. CZECH IS AIRING ON THE USA NETWORK at NOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Junoir Blaber

      But that 3rd Period is gonna clash with Champions League Soccer. Tough call.

    • Cute girl

      Who is the favorite?

      • Cheesybruin


  • Cookies Corner

    Loved this column! Well done WCC!!

    Gravity sucked. SFX were great. Everything else stunk on ice. I’m glad there was a positive point to that movie.. that being the take off for the Kate Upton SI cover. Bravo.

    • SAF

      She takes it off on the cover?!?

    • WestCoastCraig

      I actually really liked Gravity…though I think it has to be seen on a big screen.

  • Tall Matt

    Ladies and gents GIF it up for Kate Upton


  • FakeSandyAlderson

    RoboCop-The Jeter Story?

    Shadow Recruit-Stephen Drew?

Back to Top