Mann’s Chinese Theater, Hollywood…Feliz Cinco De Mayo, all! Apart from another “amateur night” holiday–and please, people, margaritas should never be made from a mix, get some triple sec or cointreu already, and use fresh squeezed limes– it means that summer is mere weeks away now! Yes, the new Spiderman movie is already on its way to $300 million internationally, and people don’t even seem to like it all that much…so what does that mean for the rest of the summer’s brightest would-be blockbusters? And what does any of this have to do with sports? Absolutely nothing…but I’m gonna try anyway!
So, without further ado, and in order of release, here’s the WCC summer preview:
NEIGHBORS: The clean cut family, the rowdy neighbor, it’s the plot of the Ducks-Kings playoff series…and really, doesn’t Teemu Selanne make a better straight man than Seth Rogen?
GODZILLA: The biggest Japanese import this year is undoubtedly Masahiro Tanaka, who must carry the entire Yankee pitching staff by himself these days after yet another CC implosion of Smog Monster proportions yesterday. Meanwhile, how old do you think Hideki Matsui is? Not even 40 yet.
MILLION DOLLAR ARM: Jon Hamm goes all the way to India to find a big league pitcher-returns with “A” Ball arms that only Disney could embrace…and at only a million dollars per arm, it’s another example of cheap outsourcing.
BLENDED: Nobody can write off a vacation to some exotic locale with his buddies like Adam Sandler. Take it from somebody used to phoning in posts like this one, he’s the master.
X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST: Xander Bogaerts, Xavier Cedeno, Xavier Nady, and Mets’ minor league catcher Xorge Carillo all team up together to go back in time to convince Jimmy “Double X” Foxx to invest the thousands of dollars he made playing ball in Dos Equis beer.
A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST: With three of the four first round series in the Western Conference going seven games, and the fourth ending on a thrilling buzzer beating three pointer by Portland’s Damian Lilliard, these NBA playoffs have been grudgingly entertaining…but the best way to die out here is obviously by making jack ass racial slurs on a leaked tape.
EDGE OF TOMORROW: Tom Cruise plays West Coast Craig, staying up past midnight to get these posts up by the time the next day starts.
SNOWPIERCER: Is it still winter back there? Mid-nineties here this weekend.
TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION: Kudos to the owners of Kentucky Derby winner California Chrome, for transforming the spawn of a couple of low-price connections into a champion. Perhaps my fellow West Coaster can do what no horse since Affirmed and win the Triple Crown…and could it be enough to stave off extinction of the sport of kings?
GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY: I imagine there’s a MLS joke here somewhere, but it would take a talking raccoon to make me care at this point.
Filed in: West Coast Craig