Summer Movie Preview-But no Costner Baseball Films?

18 Comments

Film Industry attributes - film, movie camera and film slateMann’s Chinese Theater, Hollywood…Feliz Cinco De Mayo, all!    Apart from another “amateur night” holiday–and please, people, margaritas should never be made from a mix, get some triple sec or cointreu already, and use fresh squeezed limes– it means that summer is mere weeks away now!  Yes, the new Spiderman movie is already on its way to $300 million internationally, and people don’t even seem to like it all that much…so what does that mean for the rest of the summer’s brightest would-be blockbusters?  And what does any of this have to do with sports?  Absolutely nothing…but I’m gonna try anyway!

So, without further ado, and in order of release, here’s the WCC summer preview:

NEIGHBORS:  The clean cut family, the rowdy neighbor, it’s the plot of the Ducks-Kings playoff series…and really, doesn’t Teemu Selanne make a better straight man than Seth Rogen?

Matsui enjoying retirement.

Matsui enjoying retirement.

GODZILLA:  The biggest Japanese import this year is undoubtedly Masahiro Tanaka, who must carry the entire Yankee pitching staff by himself these days after yet another CC implosion of Smog Monster proportions yesterday.  Meanwhile, how old do you think Hideki Matsui is?  Not even 40 yet.

MILLION DOLLAR ARM:  Jon Hamm goes all the way to India to find a big league pitcher-returns with “A” Ball arms that only Disney could embrace…and at only a million dollars per arm, it’s another example of cheap outsourcing.

BLENDED:  Nobody can write off a vacation to some exotic locale with his buddies like Adam Sandler.  Take it from somebody used to phoning in posts like this one, he’s the master.

X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST:  Xander Bogaerts, Xavier Cedeno,  Xavier Nady, and Mets’ minor league catcher Xorge Carillo all team up together to go back in time to convince Jimmy “Double X” Foxx to invest the thousands of dollars he made playing ball in Dos Equis beer.

A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST:  With three of the four first round series in the Western Conference going seven games, and the fourth ending on a thrilling buzzer beating three pointer by Portland’s Damian Lilliard, these NBA playoffs have been grudgingly entertaining…but the best way to die out here is obviously by making jack ass racial slurs on a leaked tape.

EDGE OF TOMORROW:  Tom Cruise plays West Coast Craig, staying up past midnight to get these posts up by the time the next day starts.

 SNOWPIERCER:  Is it still winter back there?  Mid-nineties here this weekend.

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION:  Kudos to the owners of Kentucky Derby winner California Chrome, for transforming the spawn of a couple of low-price connections into a champion.  Perhaps my fellow West Coaster can do what no horse since Affirmed and win the Triple Crown…and could it be enough to stave off extinction of the sport of kings?

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY:  I imagine there’s a MLS joke here somewhere, but it would take a talking raccoon to make me care at this point.

 

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About the Author ()

West Coast Craig reports from Hollywood with an endearingly laid back style. A happily married father of two little boys, WCC has an avocado tree in his yard, plays the hot corner in a "Valley" hardball league and always manages to take cool sports-related mini road-trips, often with his immediate clan. He hails from Oneonta, NY but has been "So very L.A." for twenty years, so his sports teams are the Yankees AND the Dodgers, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the L.A. Lakers and the Colorado Avalanche/Quebec Nordiques. WCC loves bacon-wrapped hotdogs and can touch his heel and his ear... with his hand.
  • FakeSandyAlderson

    We need a Derek Jeter Biopic. That would be a summer blockbuster! Who would play Jeets? Ricky Martin? You could have Tony Danza as Joe Girardi, Beltran could be played by a Cigar Store Indian, and Walter Hudson in a heartwarming special turn as CC Sabathia.

    • AngryWard

      Walter Hudson. Fantastic! I love anyone who becomes famous for being cut out of their apartment.

  • dannybax

    Good thing CC lost all that weight so its easier for Tanaka to carry him. He officially sucks.

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      We could write a movie based on the commercial we are working on at Arthur Ashe Stadium… McEnro and Roddick… We’re handling their balls between takes…. And by the way, West Coast Craig was still writing this when we were on our way out here at 5:05 AM…

  • SAF

    Foul! I call foul! Craig wrote about horse racing. Call the MtM police!

    • jgclancy

      Rats, Sunday is Mother’s Day – Belmont will be packed—maybe the next weekend.
      When you think MtM police I picture Gary Coleman as a security guard hanging onto that persons car hood as they drive away.And benny Hill music in the background….so WCC isn’t worried SAF
      Go Rangers! Better win next one!
      Go A’s!

    • jgclancy

      Speaking of the ponies…I guess Wes Welker won big at the Derby. here he is leaving with a giant stack of Benjamin’s. Handing out a few as he went!

  • Junoir Blaber

    I admit, I had a nerdgasm after the watching the X-men Preview. The GotG was my attention also but the characters are not that well known so they have more room to work with but how they will condense all those backgrounds into a story and get to the action will be interesting.

  • FakeSandyAlderson

    When the Farrelly brothers make the “Short Matt Story…from here to oblivious” who will star in that? My personal vote will be for Shannen Doherty to play Matt. Walter the Grinding Ax will be played in spectacular fashion by Jared Leto.

    • AngryWard

      You really need a diva to play Short Matt. I like the Doherty choice. RuPaul might be better. If Ed Asner’s still drawing breath when it gets made, he might make a good Angry Ward. Mark Ruffalo could probably pull off Sam’s-a-Fan.

      • jgclancy

        I know you shouldn’t pick your own nickname but can I pick Jim Belushi to play me? (don’t want Kevin Arnold!)
        Diff Matt can be played by Anthony Anderson.
        Go Rangers!

      • SAF

        Would anyone object, would Cookie object, to Sofia Vergara playing Cookie?

        • jgclancy

          No objection.

      • SAF

        I forgot to add, can RuPaul play short? I know s/he has incredible range, but physical transformations are hard to pull off. I suppose we could always shrink RuPaul in post?

        • AngryWard

          Very good point about RuPaul’s vertical problem vis a vis playing Short Matt. I think Vergara playing Cookie is a good idea. We can fake the whole triathlete thing. Who can we get for Cheesy Bruin. He’s not tall but I kinda like Joe Pantoliano in that role.

          • jgclancy

            Cheesy…hmm. maybe Billy Bob Thornton?

          • AngryWard

            Excellent idea.

    • GrindingAxWalter

      I was thinking Verne Troyer as Matt…

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