Angry Ward Wednesday: Escape from New York – Dark Days Ahead for NY Teams


Bronx, NY – Tonight the New York Rangers desperately try to stave off elimination from the Stanley Cup Finals at Madison Square Garden, an arena that sits atop a sh**thole of a train station, which itself is probably built on some sort of prehistoric Stegosaurus Port-o-Potty. Anyway, everyone here in New York is hoping against hope that Blueshirts find a way to keep it going, mostly because we like our agony prolonged. But it’s also because, sports-wise, things have been pretty bleak around the Metropolitan area of late. If the Rangers bow out, here’s what we have to look forward to.

Captain Contagious?

Captain Contagious?

The Neverending Derek Jeter Retirement Tour. Look, let’s not kid ourselves, the Yankees are going nowhere this year except to a bunch of ballparks where local yokels will shower Captain Clutch with useless gifts as he plays out the string. Jeter was a terrific player, of course, but what else is there left to give to a guy who possibly gave Jessica Alba herpes? (Everything on the internet is true, right?) And how many highlight reels can you show a fella who once had a lady friend allegedly walk into his apartment only to find him naked on his couch watching clips of himself, yelling “Yeah, Jeets!” (Again, google this one, it’s funny.) In any event, this is what will pass as baseball in New York this summer until some time at season’s end the Yankees will inevitably unveil a Jeter statue in Monument Park featuring a c**k that rivals the Space Needle, giving much needed shade to George Steinbrenner’s monolith plaque.

Give Us Liberty or Give Us Death. If you have never been to a WNBA New York Liberty game, this may be the summer to saunter on over to Herald Square and see the best professional basketball team that calls Madison Square Garden home (the Globetrotters don’t count, do they?). The Liberty are off to a slow 3-6 start but with Bill Laimbeer as their GM and Head Coach (who knew?), they should be cat-fighting their way to the top of the Eastern Conference in no time. In fact, with Laimbeer at the helm, look for most games to feature more hair pulling and clothes tearing than your average Saturday night Staten Island Ferry ride. Good times.

Jets and Giants OTAs/and Preseason. Both of these teams sucked last year and the last thing anyone wants to do is hypothesize on how much better they are going to be this year based on a bunch of namby-pamby practices and even lamer exhibition games. Next!

I'm hit!

I’m hit!

Seinfeld Night in Brooklyn. There is a reason to live! On July 5th the Brooklyn Cyclones will host Seinfeld Night, as they rename their Coney Island stadium Vandelay Industries Park and give out Keith HernandezMaigc Loogie” bobbleheads. From a low-talking PA announcer to Festivus foul poles to an airing of the grievances information table, this one promises to turn a “Prognosis Negative” NY sports summer into a positive, if for one night only. My brother has already secured tickets. I’m personally looking forward to the leftover sweat, stench, and soggy hot dog buns from the previous day’s Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. Now if only they can get Costanza to run over Bette Middler during the Seventh Inning Stretch.

There you have it folks, it promises to be a cruel, cruel summer around these parts, but not for the techies attempting to fix Short Matt’s computers. Ka-Ching! Stay tuned tomorrow for Fake Sandy Alderson or Big Al Sternberg, whomever is cheaper.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • FakeSandyAlderson

    Long before Jeets goes into the Baseball HOF around 2019, he will have been enshrined in the quality tail HOF. How awesome do you have to be to walk away from Alba, Johanssen, Minka, et al? Boring sports summer around NYC? I don’t think so…What could be more exciting than a Summer when the Mets can actually win more games than the Yankees?? The Bombers are terrible every day that Tanaka’s not on the mound.

    • DannyBax

      How about Teagarden with the big hit? Is he for real? And give me death over the Liberty! lmao

      • AngryWard

        That Teagarden blast was yet another big victory for the Tea Party.

        • Did anyone toss any teabags around when said homer was hit?

          • GrindingAxWalter

            Keep your “tea bagging ” comments for your Rugby site, mate!

    • DJ Eberle

      Woah, woah, woah… Let’s not jump to any conclusions and say that the Mets are going to win more games than the Yankees, because that’s not going to happen. Sure the Yankees are in a bit of a funk right now, but they’re still over .500. They’ll be just fine.

      • buffalobilly84

        I think the Las Vegas Mutts could beat out this Yankee team! haha

  • Cheesybruin

    Ward, there’s always the New York-based movies on MSG over the summer.

    • toby12

      Theres Armageddon 3 starring the NY Mets.

      • Hey! The Mets avoided that 7-game skid, toby12! Mark our words: Turning Point!

        • Dude

          yes a turning point, just before they turn in another 6 game losing streak

  • Nick Erbocker

    If Bill Laimbeer can coach a bunch of women in NYC, doesn’t that make him the best choice for coach of the Knicks?

    • AngryWard

      Excellent point.

  • Dude

    The Liberty should just play their games in park slope. the world cup is coming up so there’s that… cue a bunch of rugby morons trolling, ok go!

    • AngryWard

      Though it’s not exactly a New York City event, yeah, the World Cup will be a nice distraction. I look forward to that first South American player scoring an own-goal triggering a swift death at the hands of some drug lord, the same way some palookas look forward to a sunset.

      • Are we not supposed to look forward to sunsets? Clearly, Affable Wayne would take umbrage to such a comment.

    • You’ll likely find some of those trollers on your doorstep, Dude!

  • WestCoastCraig

    please wear a body suit and go streaking at that game.

    • If you’re in a body suit, regardless of material, how can you be streaking?

      • AngryWard

        Seinfeld reference lost on older viewers.

        • FakeSandyAlderson

          I think we are the older viewers

          • AngryWard

            We are. But Matt has lots of scenes missing from his pop culture highlight reel.

  • GrindingAxWalter

    This summer will be interesting as Mike ASPCA Vick goes all pitbull on Geno to rip the starting job away…

  • SAF

    I guess Saratoga’s not in the city?

    I’d still like to shake ScarJo’s tree!

  • Johnny Rox

    L E T S G O R A N G E R S !


    • Drunk In Joisey

      Keep drinking the hard stuff!

    • GrindingAxWalter

      Rangers in 7 !!!

      • Junoir Blaber

        You gotta believe!!!

  • Randy Levine

    Jeter gave me an std.

    • AngryWard

      Yeah Jeets!

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