Angry Ward Wednesday: Boring Baseball Stars, Carmelo, Things We Could Use a Break From


futbol-soccer-copa-confederaciones-brasil-2013-mexico-vs-italia-himnos-nacionales-bandera-nazi-nazismo-hitler-capitalismo-ximinia-blog-sociedad-protestas-emblema-esvastica-humor-broma-fotomontaje-estadio-maracana-tercermundismo-mxBronx, NY – With soccer exiting stage left (congrats to the Germans for finally finding success when it comes to fighting the rest of the world) and baseball taking it’s annual summer vacation (just when the Mets were starting to play well), now’s a good time to take a few deep breaths, let out all of that negative energy, and reflect on a few other things from which we could all use a break.

Boring Baseball Players. As I watched all of two minutes of Monday Night’s annual “Let’s See How Bad I can F**k-up My Swing” competition, known as the Home Run Derby, I was once again reminded how unbelievably boring today’s baseball stars have become. All except one guy. I’ve talked about  him before, but a friend just sent a recent clip of Toronto Blue Jays infielder Munenori Kawasaki and he really deserves to mentioned every chance we get. This guy is an absolute character. I’ll let this most recent clip speak for itself. In the 1970s, baseball was crawling with entertaining oddballs with names like Fidrych and Hrabosky and McGraw. Now we mostly are faced with platitude-spewing, monotone zombies. So, here’s to you Mr. Kawasaki! May you play this game forever, cramp-free.

Stifling Weather. Yes, I am going to complain about the weather. You got a problem with that? It’s summer, so I don’t mind when it climbs into the 90s or we get the occasional thunderstorm. Like Eddie Rabbit, I love a rainy night. But these consecutive days with 100% humidity, overcast skies yet still-stifling-heat, and a chance of showers like all day long, have got to go. You can’t make any kinda plans in soup like this! How desperate have I become?

Beat the heat with an alien owl... but only if you must.

Beat the heat with an alien owl… but only if you must.

The other day I took my kid to see Earth to Echo, a not-so-steady-cam, nausea-inducing selfie mess that could be the first kids movie in I don’t-know-how-long to not crack the Top 5 it’s first week out. Worse yet, if this weather doesn’t break soon I may have to take her again, or to How to Train Your Dragon 2, for the second time. What I wouldn’t give for the old neighborhood theater of my youth, The Dale, which every summer trotted out every Disney vehicle they could get their mitts on and me and my friends saw everything from Escape to Witch Mountain to The Shaggy D.A. Jeez, someone could make a fortune doing that today.

Carmelo. Are we finally done talking about this guy? Good. Congratulations to the New York Knicks and their fans for retaining the centerpiece of their unstoppable juggernaut, after he attempted to get into bed with just about any other franchise that would buy him a free dinner. I smell championships, people. No, wait a second, what is that smell?

Carmelo_Anthony Jeremy_Lin Meet_The_MattsSelling Worthless Football Tickets. It’s that time of year again, when I receive my New York Football Giants season tickets and attempt to do the impossible: sell a total of four tickets to two exhibition games that no one wants to see. This year’s opponents are the Steelers and Patriots, so at least I have a chance of getting half price in exchange for first shot at any of my regular season games at full price. That’s the formula I’ve been reduced to using for the better part of the last decade. It’s a thankless task that, thankfully, my brother has been immensely helpful with. My friend Dennis, too. We could all use a break from this, but the NFL will never make preseason games optional purchases and will never lower the prices below what a regular season game goes for. So, the highway robbery continues.

OK, I am going to take a break from writing any more today. Come back tomorrow for Fake Sandy Alderson/Big Al Sternberg.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • SentFromMyBlackberryWirless

    Rain Can Be Fun.

    • AngryWard

      This looks like it could be one of Tall Matt’s weird upstate neighbors.

    • Big Fat Toad

      I would sleep with her.

  • AngryWard

    For the record, I am not responsible for that first photo.

    • Bobby Bo… Cancer in the clubhouse, throwing his MTM Edit Staff under the bus.

      P.s… We categorically and unequivocally deny any affiliation to anything.

      • GrindingAxWalter

        Cause you never mess with pictures?

  • FakeSandyAlderson

    I could use a break from the most corrupt commissioner of all time. Bow tie boy Rosenthal interviewed Selig during the ASG. Asking this douche softball questions about his “legacy” which is nothing more than Steroids and Ponzi schemes. And sitting right next to Selig were Henry Aaron and Frank Robinson-Hall of Famers for cripesakes-ignored by Fox completely. Also, Jackie Robinson’s widow Rachel, STANDING behind Selig. STANDING! No one offered his seat to this poor woman? And lastly, great job by MLB giving Selig a chance to talk about his cowardly legacy, and not mentioning one thing about the recent passing of the great HOFer Tony Gwynn. Shame on you Bud and MLB.

    • Baseball Lifer

      I couldn’t agree more. When games are televised on FOX, I turn the channel. Last night was the exception and didn’t change my thinking.

      • Gentleman… Steroids saved baseball! Who can deny the excitement of McGwire and Sosa after the strike season?! Sure, Selig allowed the strike to take place, but everyone has a bad day!

        • GrindingAxWalter

          Are they saving MTM, as well? They cause baldness, you know.

    • GrindingAxWalter

      I was thinking the same thing. Here is Aaron sitting , occasionally glancing over at the little wimp and not a mention of one of the finest players EVER.

  • Cookies Corner

    I think I lasted a few more minutes than you, Angry Ward, on account of my kids.
    While the Home Run Derby could and should be a fun thing to watch… it’s pretty f*cking insufferable for Chris Berman. No matter how many times I try to steel myself for his uber annoying voice and inane calls and commentary, he makes me want to stick a screwdriver in my ear. Really.. even Joe Buck was part of that broadcast and Berman makes HIM music to my ears.

    • A-Dubya would kill to last a few minutes, Cookie!

      • AngryWard

        This is sadly true.

        • AngryWard

          We’re talking rodeo bull riding, right ?

          • DannyBax

            What happens at the rodeo stays at the rodeo! hehe

          • Yes! And A-Dubya, seconds with you seems like days!

  • Cookies Corner

    Earth To Echo = The New Millenium’s ET with a little robot. (In this big, wide universe, are we really running out of ideas? I’m pretty sure a few people on this site have some screenplays we could dust off and sell for a few pints of beer and some ham sammiches.)

  • Tall Matt

    That’s no neighbor, that me.
    Earth to Echo. Ok NEVER even seen an ad for this let alone a review. Buzz free.
    National Socialist flag! Really?
    Let Melo be Melo.
    I’ll TAKE those tickets off your hands if you need.
    Took in the All Star Game at the Kilt with Jim. There’s nothing I like better than the All Start game. Except maybe the Home Run Derby.

    • They should have the Running of the Bulls in the outfield during the Home Run Derby. The kids catching the balls have to avoid getting gored. For every gored kid, the batter loses a swing.

    • AngryWard

      Earth to Drecko might be better than HR Derby.

  • Cookies Corner

    That vid, btw.. is solid gold. ‘How many you eat today?’ ‘THREE.’

    • Munenori Kawasaki is the best thing to come to baseball since the young Doc Gooden.

      • GrindingAxWalter

        Reminds me of Mr. Chow from Hangover

  • GrindingAxWalter
    Absolute best rain song ever.

    • AngryWard

      Wow. How did this one stay off my radar for so long? Guess I was too busy listening to “It’s Raining Again” by Supertramp.

      • GrindingAxWalter

        Best part is the rant at the end…..”like cornflakes without the milk”

  • Different Matt

    Great job AW. That first line about Germany fighting the rest of the world had me spitting out my coffee.

    Munenori Kawasaki is an international treasure.

    I’ll take both sets of preseason tickets off your hands for a bottle of Gosling’s rum.

  • Mista Pedantic

    Mets 45-50 with 67 to go – can they win 30 more games? could they finish above .500? Anyone know who owns the banana eating record? That’s a softball I toosed you R. Levine?

  • TRS99

    They didn’t interview Aaron or Robinson because they know they will start speaking their minds about the lack of racial equality in the management and the lack of concern for African American players. They aren’t white enough for FOX.

    • Inappropriate Matt

      But Rachel Robinson definitely has overseers blood.

    • We’re ignoring I.A.’s insensitive remarks… You’re probably right TRS99.

    • FakeSandyAlderson

      Wouldn’t it have been great if Ken Rosenthal’s testes dropped right at that moment and asked him…”Have you see the freakin’ size of Barry Bonds’ head, Bud?” or Do you realize that guys like Manny, Canseco, ARod spent every day of their careers jacked up on juice that all of them will die before they hit 55? Selig’s “aw shucks” east Milwaukee redneck style makes me want to SMASH HIM IN THE FACE.

  • buffalobilly84

    Mccarthy… Sign the Apocalypse is upon us:
    40-Year-Old Mother of 2 Realizes Dream of Becoming NFL Cheerleader:

  • WestCoastCraig

    I’m going to remember to suggest bananas the next time my wife has her monthlies. I’m sure the monkey line is going to go over great!

    I’m happy to say I dodged the Echo bullet, and even happier that I still have three hours of my life that I never devoted to Transformers. Now if I can just slip past the Ninja Turtles it’ll be a productive summer. (by the way, the whole family enjoyed the Ape movie if Lil AW is up for chimps with guns).

    • AngryWard

      Hahaha. Oh man, why didn’t I think of that suggestion. Maybe we just leave the video link open in full view and let the ladies kinda find it on their own.

      I am all for Ape movies, in fact in the 70s “Ape Week” on ABC’s 4:30 Movie was my favorite.

  • Junoir Blaber

    I didn’t want Melo either. Watch how he will stop the triangle to go get 40+ points and not play defense and be surprised that Knicks lost.

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