NEWPORT, RI – For audience members who didn’t notice, I committed a transgression last week of the Eleventh Commandment – or the first one on the oft-forgotten third tablet – “Thou shall not miss a post.” It doesn’t matter that I was severely dehydrated from sinning and only bothers me that original sin had nothing to do with an otherwise pleasurable time in Newport… at its musical Folk Festival. After a couple of hundred Hail Marys and Our Fathers at the behest of Father McCarthy in the form of penance, I’m here to comment on the most recent Sports Sinners.
Dustin Johnson: Hide the women and children for this one, folks. It’s one thing for a cokehead to fail a drug test but it’s entirely different if you’re a coke-head engaged to Paulina Gretzky (yes, that Gretzky). This chick is so hot the only thing I’d be snorting and freebasing are the farts out of her beautiful arse and any/all of her bodily fluids, respectively. Hey, Dustin, clean up, get married, and get back on the PGA Tour before somebody on said tour returns the hot rumor of “coveting thy neighbor’s wife.”
Josh Gordon: The talented Cleveland Browns receiver committed an NFL sin by toking on wacky tabacky, now legal in some states, and puffed his way to a failed drug test. Great, now I have a giant hole in my fantasy line-up where 1,646 yards and 9 touchdowns in only fourteen games will be impossible to replace… and so is the crap-load of cash this mother-golfer made for my team. Roger Goodell makes me laugh as well, with his skewed disciplinary system against sinners – where dragging your knocked-cold fiancée across a hotel casino lobby nets a two-game suspension, but a failed piss test (albeit a second one) for grass yields a season banned from the game. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Now Flash Gordon is left to his demons for a whole year perhaps without football to get into even more guaranteed trouble.
Stephen Drew: The newest Yankee and former Red Sox shortstop has been perpetrating a sin by cashing pay checks that will ultimately add up to ten million bucks this year. Any time a modern player swinging the stick to a .176 average can make Mario Mendoza look like Tony Gwynn, it’s a theft of the highest order. Drew sat out the early stages of the season after thinking he was worth more than a $14,1M qualifying offer which left him high and dry as no other team signed him. And the Yankees traded for this sack of sh!t?! Who signed off on this one?
NFL Owners: These are the rich S.O.B.’s who continue to cram the mandatory purchase of exhibition games as part of season ticket plans. I’m not sure what the face value for one of these high school drama club dress rehearsals is but I’ll say the tickets are about $50 overpriced. From what I’m told, even the Make-A-Wish Foundation passes on these August ducats.
Tomorrow, DJ Eberle, the least likely of sinners.
Filed in: Cheesy Bruin