Angry Ward Wednesday: More Sports Movies I’m Gonna Make When I Grow Up

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keith-olbermann-and-tim-tebowBRONX, NY – I’ve decided to take a quick break from writing my Master’s thesis on heaven and hell themes in 1970s WPIX Children’s programming and the on-air editorials of Richard N. Hughes to focus on some sports movie ideas that have been kicking around inside my head. This might not seem like so much fun but, trust me, it’s slightly better than going on Facebook and looking at pictures of meals your “friends” have whipped up that almost always resemble gorilla vomit. C’mon, if there’s even a germ of an idea in this bunch, maybe management will call in a couple of favors to people in Hollywood who will do just about anything to get off the phone with them.

Final Destination: Jacksonville. There’s no number needed for this installment of the famed horror franchise. This is it, the final Final Destination! No one leaves Jacksonville alive. Just ask anyone who’s ever live there or even visited. Oh, that’s right, you can’t because they’re all dead or about to die. Jaguars number one pick Dante Fowler Jr., former receiver Justin Blackmon, and sacrificial virgin Tim Tebow head the doomed cast.DANTE-FOWLER-JR.

Bride of the Yankees. A Bronx woman who can’t say “no” to saying “yes” manages to marry every member of the New York Yankees (except for Alex Rodriguez because, y’know, a girl’s gotta have standards) and hilarity ensues. The starring role in this one goes to real-life Bronx bridal bat rack Liana Barrientos.

Linda Barrientos loves her Bronx Bombers.

Linda Barrientos loves her Bronx Bombers.

Xanaduped. Floyd Mayweather roller skates around an MGM set for two hours and laughs all the way to the bank… again. Co-starring Olivia Newton-John as the Greek Muse Payperiope.

Two Minutes in the Box. Short-attention-span hockey porn. Okay, this one seems like more of an internet thing. Let’s move on.

Brugesiers. In this coming-of-age film, a scrappy Flemish cooking club wins the hearts and respect of their countrymen as they come out of nowhere to compete in the World Belgian Waffle Championships.

Chi-Chi and Chong: Things Are Rough All Over at the British Open. Yeah, it’s a long title, but this buddy movie starring Puerto Rican golf legend Chi-Chi Rodriguez and Hall-of-Fame stoner Tommy Chong is worth the wait. Sword play and bong hits abound, as the hilarious duo turn the British Isles upside down. The Old Course at St. Andrews has never been smoked like this before.

Capital Punishment. A bench-clearing brawl in the second overtime of Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Semi Finals against Washington leaves the New York Rangers without a coaching staff until Isiah Thomas volunteers to help. The movie’s tagline: Let’s Hope it Never Comes to This.

I got lots more, but you’ve all suffered enough. Besides I am getting angry texts from sleepy senior officials who have work in the morning.

Come back for some more stuff from someone else tomorrow… hopefully not a depressed Rangers fan.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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