Angry Ward Wednesday: Summer Movies and… um… Sports?

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fred-wilpon-bernie-madoffBRONX, NY – I just lost another 400+ word draft, but I’m not gonna sweat it. It’s summer. Who cares, right? Everyone’s too busy kicking back, pouring drinks, and forcing their kids to go to camp. Here are some summer-themed movies you should seriously consider checking out while you relax in air-conditioned comfort. The titles are legit and recommended. The synopses ain’t. Here goes.

Weekend at Bernie’s. Two morons go spend a weekend with a guy whose as good as dead. Starring Fred and Jeff Wilpon and Bernie Madoff as the walking corpse.

The Way Way Back. The Philadelphia Phillies are in for the longest summer of their lives as they find themselves almost 20 games out of first a week before the all-star break. You think Santa Claus had it bad in the City of Brotherly Love?

Do the Right Thing. Bill Belichick politely declines one simple request.

Summer School. The entire University of Kentucky basketball team decides to turn pro when faced with the prospect of attending summer classes in Lexington.

Body Heat. (Please, it was only a matter of time before I shoehorned Yanet Garcia in here.)

Private School… for Girls. The U.S. Women’s soccer team absolutely schools their Japanese rivals and become national sensations.

Real Genius. Mets skipper Terry Collins figures out that half the guys on his roster can’t hit a baseball.

Yankees from 1977 Old Timers

Caddyshack. New York Yankee Mickey Rivers spends the summer living out of his Cadillac and finishes third in MVP voting.

The Flamingo Kid. Allen Iverson makes one last run at the blackjack tables at the Flamingo Las Vegas.

One Crazy Summer. For the first time in forever, no one drowns at New York’s Rockaway Beach.

Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Short Matt’s honeymoon plans are foiled when America’s 50th State refuses to let him enter.

Summer Rental. Brian Cashman relentlessly shops Alex Rodriguez as the trading deadline approaches.

Queens Logic. In this third installment in the Mets summer trilogy, General Manager Sandy Alderson promotes every good pitcher the team has to the majors and watches each one get absolutely demoralized in the face of no run support.

Breaking Away. In this coming-of-middle-age story, a long-suffering sports blogger considers his options.

That’s all for this week. Come back for tomorrow’s sacrifice.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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