Angry Ward Wednesday: Baked Apple Ramblings – Geno, Mets, Jets, Parnell

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@Angry_Ward and bro cnc63

BRONX, NY – Just got back from a somewhat difficult day at work. I overslept this morning, skipped lunch, and the temperature in NYC reached 95. I’m overheated, underfed, and downright ornery. Seems like the perfect time to bang out another edition of Angry Ward.

Bobby Parnell Sucks! Please make Bobby Parnell and his arsonist relief “efforts” go away. This past weekend saw him blow the first and last game of Pittsburgh’s sweep of the Metropolitans. If there was any silver lining, and there wasn’t, I knew enough about Parnell to advise Grote2DMax and my brother that we should leave Friday night’s game the moment it was clear they were bringing him in. Him and his stupid lumberjack beard need to be jettisoned.

Captain QuintThe NL East Sucks! Writing this on a Monday. The Mets just got swept and they’re still in first place by four and a half games. Why? Because the Nationals are as dead in the water as Captain Quint and the entire division, except for the Mets, is playing sub-.500 baseball. To paraphrase Joe Mantegna in the movie Queens Logic, watching these teams is enough to make Will Rogers punch a nun.

Robert Griffin III is a Moron.I feel like I’m the best quarterback in the league.” Thus spake RGIII. I didn’t stick around long enough to hear if he also said, “Papa John’s is the best Pizza in the world” or “Rob Schneider is our greatest living actor” or “Jocelyn Wildenstein is a stone-cold fox.” The point is, the guy needs to go through some sort of concussion protocol or, at the very least, look at some game film.

Geno Smith is a Moron. This is an old story by now, but here’s a quick recap. Geno Smith agrees to go to a teammate’s football camp. Geno Smith doesn’t go to teammate’s football camp. Teammate asks Geno for the 600 bucks he shelled out for his plane ticket. Geno tells teammate what he can do with that request. Teammate busts Geno in the mouth and breaks his jaw in two places sidelining him indefinitely. Doctors operate on Geno’s jaw and advise him not to participate in any physical activity. Geno goes out in front of his house in Jersey and plays catch with a buddy.

olivia-culpo-at-2015-nickelodeon-kids-choice-awards-in-inglewood_1Huntington Learning Center Commercials are Hilarious. There’s nothing I like more than a good Huntington Learning Center TV spot. You know the ones, right? They all star an exasperated parent and their no-good kid who is flunking out of high school. Typically, you get an exchange like this. Mom: “You failed again, what in God’s holy name is wrong with you? You’ll never get into college this way!” And the kid responds: “Face it, Mom, I’m not going to college!!!” Which in an of itself is pretty funny, because with college costs the way they are, a whole lot of parents would be psyched to hear these words from their underachieving kids. The other version you get are the two parents commiserating about their respective dumbass offspring. Mom 1: “I don’t know what to do about Henry, he’s failing at everything! Mom 2: “Well, my Spencer just got into the school of his choice.” Mom 1: “Spencer??? Didn’t you once tell me you thought he might be retarded?” I don’t know who came up with these ads, but I hope they won an award of some kind.

Eh, I was gonna write some more about exhibition football and the Kids Choice Awards and God knows what else, but I am spent. Be sure to come back tomorrow for a fully-infused Replacement Matt – aka Dude.

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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