Angry Ward Wednesday: The Matts Can’t Read, Yankees Hit and Geno Play?

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BRONX, NY – It was a scant couple of weeks ago when I wrote this sign-off on my column:
*Note to Management: I am on vacation as of today. As Dr. Leo Marvin prescribed to Bob Wiley in What About Bob?, I am taking a vacation from my problems until further notice. Thanks, everyone!”

I thought I made it perfectly clear that I was done writing for a while. But, apparently, Management doesn’t read the columns on this site, as I received this missive just moments shy of 8 pm on Tuesday night: Hey… is A-Dubya a go tomorrow? What could I do? I fired back an f-bomb and agreed to post something… anything. This is every bit as awkward as the handjob Bill Murray’s FDR received from his cousin Daisy (Laura Linney) in Hyde Park on the Hudson, which I watched the other night. Let’s just get on with it then.

The Bronx Loo. All of a sudden the Yankees, who have been scoring like Wilt Chamberlain all season, have gone in the offensive sh!tter. *As a side note, please share your “most offensive toilet” story in today’s comments section. I think mine was at Shea.* Anyway, out of nowhere, the Yankees can’t hit worth a sh!t. What gives? They’re still in first place and all but the strain is starting to show. On Sunday Mark Teixeira (I hate spelling your stupid name) accused a fan going for a foul ball of assaulting him. This was part of his post-game quote: “He ran into me. He really wanted that baseball. I’m all right, thank God.” Hahahaha! Yes, thank God! Also, in the same game, a dumb Yanks fan threw a Blue Jays home run back and hit Brett Gardner in the back. Bwahahaha! And thank God HE’s all right!

Geno-Smith-III-@genosmith7-•-Instagram-photos-and-videos-2015-08-11-13-33-43Geno Smith Got his Stupid Jaw Broken. I’m sorry, but there was no reason to come up with some play on words for this one. Only the Jets. They don’t even have a good quarterback, but the one they have just got his jaw busted in two places by some never-was second-year linebacker teammate. And why? Said LB bought Geno a plane ticket to attend his football camp in some town in Texas that even Texans never heard of.  When Geno didn’t show up (he reportedly lost a friend two days before to a motorcycle accident) this other guy wanted his $600 back for the plane ticket. They couldn’t work it out. So the Jets are down one starting QB and one banished LB over 600 beans. J-E-T-S! HA-HA-HA-HA!

Carmelo_Anthony Meet_The_MattsAnthony Works in a Grocery Store. Actually, for now Carmelo Anthony still works for the Knicks, but he had this to say about their recent off-season: “Honestly, I thought we did a great job just as far as putting the pieces that we need to put together.” Is he talking about a Melissa and Doug block puzzle? If not he’s probably on the fast track to that gig at Foodtown.

It’s virtually impossible to stay even remotely as funny as the sports stories we attempt to cover these days. But this is the torch I have to bear… for at least one more week. Holy crap! The Yankees scored a run! And the Dark Knight won again.

Come back tomorrow for a man known only as “Guy” in certain circles, Grinding Ax Walter Hynes.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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