Angry Ward Wednesday: Sporty Holidays to You, OJ, Murphy, 1986 Mets, Rams

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OJ Simpson coneheadBRONX, NY – Oh man, Hanukkah is already in the books and we’re only 10 days away from Christmas. Where does the time go? As I like to tell people, I used to view National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation as a comedy, but as the years have passed I now see it as a searing family drama. All too real. I have precious little time to write this “column.” Let’s go with a holiday theme, as some of the seasonal terminology just has to lend itself to Sporty Holidays. IT HAS TO! Let’s go!

Yule. If the Giants win on Monday night over Miami gave you hope that they might win their division, YULE be sorry.

Bauble. I won’t miss seeing Daniel Murphy BAUBLE routine grounders in 2016.

Flakes. I wish there were half as many FLAKES in sports today as there were back in the ’70s.

Nobody frogs with the Jesus!

Nobody frogs with the Jesus!

Jesus.  You pull a piece on JESUS Quintana in the bowling alley, he’ll take it away from you, stick it up your a$$ and pull the trigger til it goes click. That creep can roll, man.

Sleighs. Short Matt SLEIGHS me when he gives me crap for missing one MTM post every few years. I never tire of it.

Gelt. I don’t think we’ll ever get an admission of GELT out of O.J. Simpson or Aaron Hernandez. These two Menorah where they should be this holiday season.

Snowblowers. The 1986 Mets had more SNOWBLOWERS than a Home Depot in Minnesota.

Carols. I don’t know all of the words to that many Christmas CAROLS, but do know that a gentleman by the name of Carroll Rosenbloom once owned the Los Angeles Rams. So there’s that.

Murphy's Law.

Murphy’s Law.

Fraser Fir. Look no further than FRASER FIR some really good holiday-themed episodes of that Kelsey Grammer sitcom. A man who, coincidentally, would have also fit right in with the ‘86 Mets.

Cards. It is my hope that, sometime during this holiday season, my good friend JG Clancy will find himself playing CARDS. And winning!

And to all a good night. Look, I’m keeping this one short today. In the event that I miss you next Wednesday, I want to wish all of you a restful and resplendent holiday season. Happy belated Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Merry Christmas!

Come back tomorrow for more jolly old fun.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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