Alliterative Ward Wednesday: Harvey, Hoagies, Heartburn, and Hernandez

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BOOGIEDOWN BRONX– I’d like to start by wishing woebegone, wistful,  and wingnut MTMers a wildly wonderful Wednesday. Welcome, wackadoo weirdos! And with that, I will curtail the alliterative portion of this intro before I go Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Here are several scintillating storylines (sorry) that caught my eye this week.

Harvey Hears a P. Now that Matt Harvey got hosed by shoddy defense and horrible hitting in his season-opener in KC (what else did he expect?), I think it’s time we focus on giving him something positive to look forward to. It was pins-and-needles time for all Mets fans when they heard he had some non-baseball-related injury until we found out that he just needed to pee more. We (and he) can laugh at it now, so let’s. I say every time the Dark Knight strikes someone out this year, Mets fans post the letter P rather than K. It’s funnier, and more humiliating for the opposition. We can chant “P, P, P” when he’s got 2 strikes on a hitter. And if he strikes out 10, let’s call it a Golden Shower. I’m liking this.

Watch the Yanks get killed while you kill yourself.

Watch the Yanks get killed while you kill yourself.

Yucky Yankee Yum-Yums. Has anyone seen the so-called menu upgrades at Yankee Stadium (aka Billy Crystal’s Whore Emporium™) this year? They read like a list of attempted murder charges… not that there’s anything wrong with that. But, get a gander! The Tape Measure: A 2-foot-long cheesesteak from Carl’s Steaks (no great shakes) valued at $27. It’s like putting a stake, a cheese-stake, in your heart. The G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All Time) Double-Double Burger: A double cheeseburger topped with bacon and pastrami served between two grilled cheese sandwiches serving as buns. Next to Lamar Odom’s “go-out-in-a-blaze-of-hookers” suicide attempt, this is a close second. And last but not least, The Barnyard Wedding: A cheddar cheese slathered beef patty topped by a fried breaded chicken cutlet which is topped by a deep-fried hash brown. If these offerings had been around a decade ago, George Steinbrenner could have harvested enough barely-passable Yankee-fan organs (not including Eddie Layton’s) to keep him alive for another 20 years. Oh well.

Coke Corner. For those of you who haven’t heard, Citi Field’s right field deadbeat lounging section (my favorite place in the park) is no longer named Pepsi Porch and is now called Coca Cola Corner–Coke Corner, for short. I don’t know what to expect from this so-called “family-friendly” locale except that, on name alone, I expect that Keith Hernandez will be doing a lot of remotes from this area, perhaps interviewing former Mets greats like Doc Gooden and The Straw.

Meet the Mutants!

Meet the Mutants!

Mutant. Mastermind. Finally, kudos to John Oliver for fighting back against the New York Yankees restrictive resale ticket policy in the best way possible. Oliver bought two primo seats behind home plate and offered them up for pennies for anyone who would make complete jackasses out of themselves. Your Opening Day winners? The Mutant Ninja Turtles… though which two I have no idea. Anyway, he’s done this for at least two more games so you would think a couple of bald-blue-suit-wearing entrepreneurs would take advantage. Jeez. Two Mets guys at a Yanks/Stros game? It’s just stupid enough to work… if someone would be just stupid enough to try.

That’s all for this week. Come back tomorrow for someone who has yet to undergo an angerpendectomy.

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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