Jihad Ward Wednesday: Bud Grant Garage Sale, Bismack Biyombo, Watkins Glum, Other Stuff Only I Care About

JG_Clancy Hot Sauce _Meet_The_Matts

MTM Super Fan, JG Clancy

BRONX, NY – It’s been quiet around these parts lately… too quiet. What with JG Clancy in semi-retirement, Fluffy the Narwahl with his face buried in The Racing Form, and Randy Levine getting his hot tub out of dry dock, things have been getting as stagnant as the Mets offense – which was fortunately double that of the Nats last night. So what better time to write about a bunch of stuff that no one cares about but me. And, truthfully, I’m not even sure I care about it. Let’s have at it.

Haul of Fame Garage Sale. My friend Mikey “Stitch” Thornton reminded me the other day that Hall of Fame Minnesota Vikings coach Bud Grant is having another of his now-famous garage sales this year. It’s exactly what it sounds like. The 88-year-old living legend (the guy who wore a short sleeve shirt during the pregame of last year’s frigid Vikes-Seahawks game), pulls a bunch of junk out of his house and sells it. Diehard Vikes fans come in droves to meet the man, buy some of his crap, and leave with a story. It starts today and runs through Friday, which means I will be missing it. But next year, if Bud’s still game, I’m going with the aforementioned Thornton and Clancy.

Bismack Biyombo. I don’t know much about the Toronto Raptors, or the NBA outside of my Golden State Warriors, but I now know the name Bismack Biyombo. The Congolese-Canadian big man had some fairly entertaining moments in the just completed series with Miami. His best came when he swatted away a Dwyane Wade shot and gave him the Dikembe Mutombo “no-no-no” finger wag. But my favorite thing about the guy is his name. It sounds to me like Ronald McDonald and The Burger King got together for some artery-clogging extra-curriculars and gave birth to a new sandwich.

jihad ward

Jihad just warming up.

Jihad Ward. This is the honest-to-goodness name of the Oakland Raiders’ second round draft pick in this past NFL Draft. My friend Johnny brought this to my attention, as a means of coming up with a new name for my column. He may be onto something. Getting on a government watch list may just be the shot in the arm this site needs. Jihad Ward Wednesday could be explosive.

Watkins Glum. I should have really saved this item for one of D.J. Eberle’s Hot Takes, but it was recently reported that Buffalo Bills star hummel figurine wide receiver Sammy Watkins has a broken bone in his foot. Yet another injury for the former first round pick. Humpty Dumpty was more durable. Can we finally put to rest any speculation that the Bills will be back in the playoffs anytime soon? That entire city must rest on some sort of ancient Darwin-Award-Deaths burial ground. Just look at the city’s teams as well as U of B graduates. So sad.

BHumpty Dumptylank Error in Your Favor: Collect Cheap Food. In a story that didn’t get as much press as it should have, Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank is rolling back concession prices at Falcons games and other major events at his new Mercedes (rhymes with ladies) Benz Stadium  starting in 2017. Starting with 2-buck non-alcoholic beverages with unlimited refills (somewhere Mike Bloomberg is having a sh!tfit) and including 2-buck dogs, pretzels, and popcorn, Blank knows how to keep his fans fat and happy… as God intended. He’s also promising $3 peanuts, pizza, nachos, and waffle fries, for those looking for healthier fare. Finally there will be 5-buck 12 oz domestic beers (Natty Ice is better than Matty Ice). Oh yeah! It’s all part of his so-called “fan-first” pricing, that he says is for the long term. It may not be the healthiest decision ever, but I like it anyway. Since when does anyone in the NFL roll back anything?

Come back tomorrow for someone hopefully not me… and feel free to weigh in below and follow me/us on Twitter – @Angry_Ward and @MeetTheMatts.


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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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