Angry Ward Wednesday: Ichiro, Cowboys, Durant and Lucroy

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You can't spell "pitch" without "ich."

You can’t spell “pitch” without “ich.”

BRONX, NY – Banging this one out just before deadline on Tuesday. It’s my wife’s birthday, I’m holding off on dinner and my dog, Griffey, is doing everything in his power to get me to play fetch rather than slap together another lackluster column. Where in the wide, wide world of sports are my priorities?  Nevertheless, let’s get to it.

Scratch that Ich. This week, the great Ichiro Suzuki will get his 3,000th Major League Baseball hit down in Miami in front of a smaller crowd than we get in New York when some dude decides to use a pickle bucket to play the drums. He’ll do it at age 42 and hitting over .330. The “fans” in South Florida don’t deserve this guy. They are contending and still have the 4th worst attendance in the league. They are more Miami Sound Machine than George Michael Sports Machine. Their owner is a Class A douche… but at least he was smart enough to sign Ichiro to a meager one-year $2 million contract. The Mets and Mariners and Yankees all could have afforded that. Anyway, looking forward to 3,000 and then Ichiro becoming the 2nd Seattle Mariner inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Mama’s Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys. I used to think the movie North Dallas Forty was a hell of a piece of sports fiction, but the reality of modern-day Dallas football is just as dimwitted and debauched. Jerry Jones and Company seem to have an innate skill to fill America’s Team with America’s Most Wanted. The latest? Domestic violence accusations against first round draft pick Ezekiel Elliott by his girlfriend. Might not be true, but doesn’t look good either way. This on the heels of giving the abuse artist formerly known as Greg Hardy and job last fall when no one wanted him. Oh, also worth mentioning that Dallas defensive end Randy Gregory, already suspended for 4 games for substance abuse, is looking at a possible 10-game ban due to violating that policy yet again. Yee haw! Gotta be proud, Boys fans.

Restaurant Closure Announcement. For those of you spending your summer vacation in Oklahoma City this summer (so much to see and do!), we regret to inform you that Kevin Durant has closed his restaurant, KD’s… once again disappointing OKC fans who were looking forward to burning it to the ground.

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY - "Dating Slump" - Airdate: March 30, 1976. (Photo by ABC Photo Archives/ABC via Getty Images) MICHAEL MCKEAN;DAVID L. LANDER

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY – “Dating Slump” March, 1976.

Waiting for Lucroy. Are the Mets going to trade for Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy or what? It’s said that they offered Travis d’Arnaud straight up for him. I bet that people in Milwaukee haven’t laughed this hard since Lenny & Squiggy performed in the Shotz Brewery talent show. But seriously, the Mets need to sweeten the pot a bit to get an affordable catcher who’s hitting .300 than by simply putting up a five-foot-something porcelain figurine who claims to be 6′ 2″ and can’t stay on the field. Hopefully they wake up before it’s too late. Maybe we can also land Carmine “The Big Ragu” Ragusa in the deal.

Screen Shot 2016-07-26 at 10.09.31 PM

That’s all for this week. Come back tomorrow for Melania Trump masquerading as Grinding Ax Walter Hynes, or Buddy Diaz, actually.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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