BRONX, NY – It’s the All-Star Break. Time to kick back, relax, and reflect on all the time you’ve wasted watching sports and visiting this site and, yes, writing for this site. It’s also time to avoid watching the pointless Home Run Derby and instead watch old ’80s summer movies and drink Dark and Stormys. Let’s get right to the Fake Reader Mail.
• What’s your least favorite ballpark concession item? —L. Estomago
It’s gotta be cotton candy, L. I have no earthly idea how this roof insulation masquerading as confection escaped the confines of the circus and made it into baseball stadiums. It’s the worst. Gets your kids sugar-wired, covered in blue and pink napalm, and really serves no useful snacking purpose. It stinks. Should be banned right along with PEDs and God Bless America during the 7th Inning Stretch.
• Any recommendations for a good summer sports read? —Paige Turner
I haven’t read it, but why not give Paul Priore’s self-published 500+ page memoir Abused By the New York Yankees a whirl. Among the former Yankees Assistant Equipment Manager’s claims? George Steinbrenner spied on players with secret clubhouse security cameras, Cecil Fielder played drunk on vodka, and, oh yeah, Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada had sex in the sauna and let Priore join the fun to keep him quiet. It sounds like just the kind of breezy beach read you’re looking for.
• Did Bartolo Colon really deserve to be an all-star? —T. Forster
Yes he did. Big Sexy is easily one of the most entertaining players in the game. Fans love him, players love him, even people who don’t know anything about baseball love him. And, you know what? He’s having a solid year. A clown prince who can also play. Why wouldn’t you want him in the game?
• What’s the biggest flop you’ve ever seen? —T. Melon
Well, I just watched Anderson Varejao flop his way through the NBA Finals like an epileptic sea bass, so there’s that. And too many soccer players to mention have flopped their way to greater glory. But I’m gonna go with Howard the Duck. Now that, my friends, was a flop.
• I’m really looking forward to the Summer Olympics. Am I crazy? —Babe D.Z.
Yeah, probably. Unless you’re like into 1970s disaster movies like the Airport series or The Towering Inferno. Zika mosquitoes, crime, raw sewage, crime, terrorist threats, and yet more crime… you might win the gold, but will you actually get to take it home? Also, golf replaced wrestling, Harrison Barnes made the team USA basketball team, and then there’s–God help us–rugby. What’s that Hon? You want to watch Gilmore Girls reruns tonight? I’m fine with that.
• Should I go see the new Ghostbusters movie? —E. Hudson
Did you think the original was hilarious? Because I didn’t. I thought there were some funny scenes but never held it in high reverence like Caddyshack and The Blues Brothers and Stripes. As the father of a girl, I don’t mind female-driven reboots like they did with Star Wars, but not sure Ghostbusters deserved a remake, especially after that dreadful sequel. That being said, have at it. Let me know how it is.
• Why do bad things constantly happen to the Mets? —Bernie M.
Flushing is built on an Indian burial ground which itself was built on a Woolly Mammoth burial ground, which is on top of something known as The Sinkhole of Despair. Other than that, I have no idea.
Come back tomorrow for someone who has real, honest to goodness readers – staunch Ross Perot supporter, Buddy Diaz. And please follow us on Twitter – @Angry_Ward & @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts. Thank you.
