Angry Ward Wednesday: Giants O, Giant Rugby Kid, Die Hards – I Don’t Get it!

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fridgeBRONX, NY – The Inwood Piper’s Kilt is closed, the Mets and Yanks are somehow still in the playoff hunt, LA has another mega-million flop on its hands with the Rams, Short Matt has already been married a year… things are starting to get a little weird. It’s not that I need to understand all of it, or any of it, but some things I just don’t get. I’ll try to somehow pair all of these things off and attempt to elaborate.

The Giants O and the Filet-O-Fish. I was one of many who watched in disbelief as the New York Football Giants won a game this past Sunday that they spent all of last season losing. It wasn’t like they didn’t try though. I know Ben McADon’t wants to establish some semblance of a running game, but how on Earth does this pass-happy offensive-minded coach not throw the ball all over the field on a Dallas team that had a defensive backfield that couldn’t cover Refrigerator Perry wearing swimming flippers. Sure Eli threw his usual stupid pick, but you’ve got to let this passing offense do its thing. As for the Filet-O-Fish, who eats these things? It’s a fish with American cheese? WTF? I’m sorry, a tuna melt is one thing but a fish burger is just wrong.

Giant Rugby Kid and Crazy Eddie. This is a first, everyone. I just stumbled upon this super-sized rugby behemoth today and couldn’t resist. As funny as this video might be, as a parent, I would not let my kid on the same pitch as this remorseless CHUD. Look at him! Sweet Jesus! He’s like an Easter Island Statue come to life, smacking those pasty-faced little gnats out of the way as he looks for a shark to eat. In other news, and this might not mean anything to most of you,  NYC Electronics Kingpin Eddie Antar just died. Who was Eddie Antar? He was the sleazy mastermind behind Crazy Eddie, a retail TV and appliance store that was huge in these parts back in the day. As I said on his passing, Crazy Eddie was the educated consumer’s store of choice during New York City’s blackout looting sprees. Sure Eddie was convicted of fraud and funneling money into Israeli bank accounts, but he gave us crappy TVs and radios and great commercials. RIP.

Die Hard and Die Hards.  Die Hard, one of my favorite Christmas movies, was on last night. As much as I like it, I just can’t get past a couple of major suspension-of-disbelief plot points. There are plenty throughout, but the two I am talking about come right at the end of the movie. First, how does Aryan terrorist Karl (played by ballet dude Alexander Gudonov) get gunned down in record time by Family MattersCarl Winslow (Carl on Karl violence) while wiry black chauffeur Argyle comes busting out of Nakatomi Plaza with nary a bullet sprayed in his direction by the notoriously racist LAPD? Also, after all the carnage and explosions, how are Mr. and Mrs. McClane allowed to just jump into their limo and drive away? Carmelo Anthony and Knicks fansThere’s like a lot of people dead and a skyscraper in ruins and the FBI is like, “eh, what the hell, it’s Christmas.” As for “Die-Hard” sports fans, shouldn’t you have to earn this designation by rooting for a team that rips your heart out year after year? I mean, c’mon, there should be no such thing as a die-hard Yankees, Cardinals, Lakers, Celtics, Cowboys, Steelers, Patriots, Penguins or Canadiens fan! You guys won too damn much! Eff off! To be a die-hard you’ve got to root for teams like the Minnesota Vikings (the worst, trust me) or Cleveland Indians, or the Knicks (yes, they qualify now!) or any team from Buffalo. You have to suffer, greatly, over many years. The rest of you are nothing more than whiny, softball front-runners upset that your next title is not coming fast enough.

That’s enough for me today. Comment or don’t comment. I care not. Come back tomorrow for the smooth stylings of  Buddy Diaz. And please follow us on Twitter – @Angry_Ward & @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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