Angry Ward Wednesday: Bama, Jazz, Bills, Wilt. Suck on These Sports Slogans

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jim-harbaugh-rutgersBRONX, NY – I don’t want to write about politics. I don’t want to write about old TV shows. I don’t want to write about the unseasonably warm weather or kneeling during the National Anthem or the Great Barrier Reef wasting away. Honestly, I really don’t want to write at all this week. So, here’s some useless Sports Slogans I came up with.

University of Alabama Football. Nick Saban is a Dick, But He’s Our Dick.”

Meet The Matts.We’re Not Just for Unemployed Alcoholics Anymore!”

Utah Jazz. Mormons Dig B-Ball and Making Kids with Multiple Chicks.”

NJ Devils. Toxic… But Not Chris Christie Toxic.”

carson-wentz

Chuck Todd cut my hair.

Buffalo Bills.We’re Awesome!, Just Ask Sportswriter, DJ Eberle.

University of Michigan Football. Jim Harbaugh is a Dick, But at Least We’re Winning.”

New York Rangers. What Happens at the Garden When Billy Joel Isn’t Playing.”

St. Louis Cardinals. “The Only Game in Town.”

New Jersey Generals. Grab Them By the P***y.

Atlanta Hawks. We Wanted Dwight Howard. No… Seriously.”

Wilt Chamberlain. Over 20,000 Served.

meet-the-press-chuck-toddNew York Mets. Add Some Injuries to Your Insults.

Detroit Lions.Your Thanksgiving Turkey for 77 Years.

New York Jets. At Least We Didn’t Sign Fitzpatrick to a Multi-Year Deal!

Boston Red Sox. We’re Not Just for Racists Anym…

You know what? I’m pulling the plug on this post. I’m fried and you guys deserve way better. Time for a Sammatical. Hope that Management understands and grants me some time off to recharge the battery.

Come back tomorrow for new hotshot Buddy Diaz as he tells you how Carson Wentz is going to carve up my Vikings next Sunday.

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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