Angry Ward Wednesday: Kicking Dirt on the New York Football Giants

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That is NOT Rusty Kuntz!

BRONX, NY – Friends, Giants Fans, Rusty Kuntz, lend me your ears; I have come to bury the New York Football Giants, not to praise them. We’re only 5 games into the NFL season, but already the Giants look dead in the water. I’m sure, at 2-3, there’s still some hope out there among the Big Blue faithful, but I’m here to crush it out like the smoldering, slobbery, half-chewed cigar butt it is. Time to tag ’em and bag ’em. Here’s why:

The Defense Rests. Giants GM Jerry Reese (more on him later) spent a crap-load of money this off-season to shore up his team’s leaky defense. What he got in return was a defense that would best be described as mediocre. Defensive end Olivier Vernon signed an $85 million contract ($52.5 million guaranteed) and has registered one sack through the first five games. On the other side Jason Pierre-Paul, perhaps inspired by Vernon’s big payday, has matched his bookend by also having a single sack. CB, Janoris Jenkins, who also scored a huge free agent contract, got his first two picks of the season in Green Bay last Sunday night but has otherwise been underwhelming. But why put the majority of the blame on the players when there’s a perfectly handy Steve Spagnuolo to point a finger at? Spags hasn’t coached a defense worth a damn in almost a decade and almost certainly shouldn’t still be coaching this one. He’s like an old couch that you’re just too lazy to lug down the stairs and throw out. In his 3 years as head coach of the Rams, the team won 1 game, 7 games and 2 games for a sterling overall record of 10-38. Wake up and smell the stench fer crissakes.

giants-eli-manning-is-telling-odell-beckham-jr-to-grow-up_eddxtjqjk-jpg-imagesBen McAdon’t. C’mon, you didn’t really think this guy was the answer, did you? I mean, look at his facial hair choices. This is not at all someone who is self-aware. When Jerry Reese (we’re getting there) forced Old Tom Coughlin into an assisted-living community and weekends bagging groceries at Piggly Wiggly, he thought keeping his coordinators was a blueprint for rebirth and success. McAdoo has the look of a three-year-old who went playing hide and seek in the coat racks at Macy’s and now can’t find his mommy, and not the guy who was supposed to be Eli Manning’s security blanket. Someone needs to give him a hug and a lolly.

Eli Manning. Not gonna dwell too long on old Eli. There’s no telling what’s wrong with him. Poor play calling? Yeah. Lousy offensive line? For sure. Having too many good wide receiver choices, including one moody star who wants the ball more? Probably. Whatever it is, he looks as lost as he ever has. Maybe he can find himself by having another 3-or-4-interception game, but even if he “gets right” it probably won’t be enough.

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MetLifeless Stadium. The new-ish stadium sucks, plain and simple. I know the Giants won a Super Bowl since this craptastic outdoor toilet was built, but it ain’t helping. The life has been sucked out of what used to be a raucous home crowd. I blame the stadium design, which is just Frank Lloyd Wrong. Gone are the open-air ramps, concourses. whipping winds, and multiple ways to get to multiple levels. They’ve been replaced by a stadium that looks like it was designed by a prison architect, long bathroom lines, and cramped seating.

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Reese, Billy Martin, Shane Spencer, Mara

Reese’s Pieces. The biggest blame for the Giants’ woes has to fall on General Manager Jerry Reese. In an effort to save his job, he broke the bank and overpaid, wayyyy overpaid, for the likes of the aforementioned, Vernon, Pierre-Paul, Jenkins and former Jets DT Damon Harrison. That’s over $200 million on 4 defensive players. He could have stood to save something for his offensive line of Rusty Kuntz. And don’t talk to me about injuries, My Vikings have lost both starting offensive tackles, their starting QB, and Adrian Peterson, among others, and are 5-0. Reese’s job is on the line for sure, but the Giants future is looking dim because of all of the big contracts. Ownership may have finally bet on the wrong horse.

Angry_Ward JG_Clancy Giants_Bus Meet_The_Matts2

JG Clancy standing, Angry Ward with Vikings fishing hat… On bus A-Dubya is throwing New York Football Giants under.

So, RIP 2016 New York Giants. Gone too soon. Try to take solace in the fact that you’re joining other giants such as Bowie, Prince, Ali, Palmer, Howe, and Haggard. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is very much alive and kicking.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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