Angry Ward Wednesday: That Time I Didn’t Write a Column About Rex Ryan, Chris Sale, Trump, Klay Thompson

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eagles-fans-feetBRONX, NY – You remember that time I didn’t write a column? Wasn’t that awesome? Like everyone thought I was gonna crank out some of my usual crap, and then I just didn’t? The best part about it was that it started so organically and then just grew into the big zero it was. It started harmlessly enough with me thinking about Christmas themes followed by a quick joke about how Rex Ryan loves stocking stuffers. Another Rex Ryan foot fetish joke? I just couldn’t do it.

Sticking on seasonal thoughts, I next jumped to the constantly-discussed but rarely-executed Meet The Matts Holiday Party and another awful joke idea about the last staff party being before the birth of Christ. Short Matt’s BYOB BBQ policies, as well as his frozen hamburger and hot dog buns left over from the Nixon Administration, are easy targets but I just couldn’t pull the trigger.

screen-shot-2016-12-06-at-9-01-05-pmI could have gone topical with Klay Thompson of my Warriors dropping 60 on Indiana in 29 minutes without breaking a sweat or the Jets sleepwalking through their Monday Night game with Indy while their fans can’t even give away their tickets, but those two things are to be expected and are likely to continue in some fashion for the foreseeable future.

Speaking of the Warriors, Chris Sale went to the Red Sox and Brian Cashman likened the move to the Warriors getting Kevin Durant. Was it funny? Yes. But not funny enough to write a scathing post about how the Yankees invented the idea of being the Warriors and reveled in it for years. Nope, too easy.

donald_trump-scott_baio-meet_the_mattsNFL officials playing Secret Santa? Nah.

For a split second I noodled with the idea of Donald Trump appointing Scott Baio as Charles in Charge of Chris Christie, but that’s just too likely to happen all by itself. That’s going to be a problem moving forward with this presidency; how do you parody parody?

What was left then?Eb’s Hawt Cakes,” featuring our youngest contributor’s list of favorite Entenmann’s treats? Too much of a stretch, and I eat more garbage than anyone on this site. “It’s a Wonderful Matts,” with me as George Bailey (he’s pretty angry there for a while), Short Matt as Mr. Potter and JG Clancy as JG Clarence? No, but I kinda like it. “Trading Places” starring LeBron as Winthorpe and Carmelo as Billy Ray Valentine (Capricorn)? Nah.

As you can see, I was plumb out of ideas. That’s okay sometimes. It’s nice to occasionally shake your head like an Etch A Sketch and start anew. Maybe next week. Who knows. Please feel free to comment below and come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who will have plenty of fresh concepts, I’m sure.. And please follow us on Twitter, @Angry_Ward & @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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