Angry Ward Wednesday: Knicks Great, Johnny Manziel Cured, and Other Alternative Sports Facts

24 Comments

BRONX, NY – There’s been a lot happening the past couple of weeks. The NFL playoffs aside, nothing has been bigger than what’s been going on down in our nation’s capital. We had a new President sworn in, followed by hundreds of thousands of women descending on D.C. the very next day. If President Sunkist wasn’t so busy dreaming up alternative facts to explain the low turnout for his inauguration, he might have been able to spin the protest march with a simple, “Of course they’re here. Chicks dig me!” deflection. But, alas, he’s not funny… only unintentionally funny. Still, if his team’s “alternative facts” explanation wasn’t so horrifying, it might actually be humorous, in the same way that Roger Clemens saying Andy Pettittemis-remembered” gave us all a good chuckle. With that in mind, here are some alternative sports facts.

The New York Knicks are still a super team. Derrick Rose wasn’t wrong. Don’t go to sleep on this Knicks team… even though they’re currently inducing more somnolent comas than “The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross.” Sure, they’re 7 games under .500, but they are only three games out of a playoff spot! Don’t worry about Porzingis’ achilles or Melo’s unhappiness or the fact that Phil Jackson seems content taking Jimmy Dolan to the cleaners, this team was built to win NOW! Look out Cleveland!

Johnny Manziel is cured and ready to play football. That’s right kids, Johnny Football is off the sauce and ready to be boss. How do we know it’s for real this time? He’s tweeting to President Trump. That’s not the kind of thing you do when you’re drunk. It’s what you do when you are dead serious and ready to really wreck the league once and for all. The Jets should definitely give him a call. New York is the perfect spot for sober Texans. Speaking of the Jets and QBs…

Ryan Fitzpatrick should have been an AFC Pro Bowler. He’s deserving and everyone knows it. It wasn’t his fault the Jets sucked this year. Breitbart reports that he had the votes too. Philip Rivers only got the nod because upwards of 3 million illegals came storming across the border and voted him in.

Vlad wants the other cup.

Matt Harvey’s fastball is faster than ever. This is no Sidd Finch hoax, people. Those close to the Dark Knight (terrible nickname, by the way) say that his latest surgery has left his right arm almost bionic. His fastball is topping out at 105. No pitch counts this year. He’s set to win upwards of 25 games.

The Washington Capitals are going to win the Stanley Cup. Vlad Putin is tired of seeing his boy, Alex Ovechkin, not drink from Lord Stanley’s Cup, so he already has a deal in place with his other boy, Donald Trump, to make sure the Caps win the Cup. It’s disgraceful, and shouldn’t happen, but seemingly no one can stop these two. Trump will get business for his hotel in DC and Putin plans on stealing the Cup when it’s brought to Moscow. He’ll add it to his growing sports memorabilia collection, along with one of Robert Kraft’s Super Bowl rings and Ivan Drago’s boxing trunks.

Speaking of sober Texans

That’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a man who can bench press 500 pounds. It’s a fact.

Facebook Comments
Share Button

Filed in: Angry WardFeatured
Tagged with:

About the Author ()

Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • vinny from brooklyn

    i think they should bring manziel to jets camp. cant hurt. and have putin by the team. ha

    • Johnny in NYC would not be a good fit. He couldn’t keep out of Cleveland’s night clubs. Think about that.

    • DJ Eberle

      I second Vinny. What do the Jets have to lose? Plus, Manziel *seems* to want to get on the straight and narrow these days. Worth a shot.

      • AngryWard

        Also, compared to all the incredibly alcoholic Jets fans, Johnny would look like a Texas teetotaler.

  • benwhit

    Ouch. Brutal.

    The thing with a chance of becoming an actual fact is the Caps winning the Cup. If the Cubs can break through…

    • Doctor Emrick

      The Washington Capitals play in the Capitol of the United States… There goes the puck into the corner, and the debate for the right to use it begins!

      • Oh, Doctor!!! You take us right to the very cracks in the ice every time!

      • AngryWard

        I disagree. The Capitol is a building in DC. DC itself is the Capital.

    • The Cubs will never win again.

  • Cheesybruin

    Ward, no mention of Henrik Lundqvist being the best goaltender ever to play hockey? He is the winningest European netminder in the game’s history so it’s probably true.

    • AngryWard

      He’s also an actual King. Has more money than Dolan. He plays hockey out of boredom.

      • How is that Wild goalie doing? And those Bruins are the Bee’s knees.

        • AngryWard

          Dubs and the Wild are doing great. Check those standings boy-o!

    • GrindingAx

      King without a Crown!

  • Buddy Diaz

    The Johnny Manziel is cured! Best alternative fact ever!

  • AngryWard

    ***BREAKING ALTERNATIVE FACT***
    Trump still plans to build wall, but Mexico’s not paying for it. Fred and Jeff Wilpon are paying for it.

  • jgclancy

    MTM has passed away….Goodbye Mary Tyler Moore…..you will be missed

    • AngryWard

      So sad. Bummed out about that one. The real MTM. She was great. No alt facts there.

    • GrindingAx

      Is that your alternative universe avatar?

    • Fluffy

      R.I.P. MTM. Don’t worry, we still have MtM, Meet the Matts!

  • Junoir Blaber

    This was epicly funny!

Back to Top