Angry Ward Wednesday: One Angry Man on Knicks, Jets, Yanks and Other Sports Crimes

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BRONX COUNTY COURTHOUSE, NY – Serving Jury Duty in the Bronx for the first time in my life. What a thrill ride! There’s nothing like being around Yankee Stadium in the dead of winter. It’s a real show spot. Nothing but gypsy cabs, depressing dining opportunities, and black slush as far as the eye can see. On the upside, I have learned a little bit about our legal system. Here are some handy terms, as they relate to sports.

The definition of bleak.

Hostile Witness. Anyone who’s had to witness a New York Jets or New York Knicks game in the last few months.

Burden of Proof. Both Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin often had the great burden of playing baseball while drunk on 90 proof whiskey.

Hung Jury. A jury on which you will never find an “employee” of Meet The Matts.

Overruled. There are a lot of sports with way too many rules, but the biggest offender just might be golf. Along with rules on everything from sand traps to water hazards to filling out scorecards, golf is so anal it makes baseball look positively laissez-faire. Why golf even has Winter Rules. Just ask Judge Smails.

Kangaroo Court. Any tennis court in Australia.

Summons. Summons really gonna regret spending their valuable time reading today’s column.

“I Object!” I personally object to having to root for a team in this weekend’s Dallas/Green Bay game. It’s cruel and unusual punishment, plain and simple.

Dallas Green… Bay?

Swearing in. This site does not allow swearing, even though it is quite “in.”

Bailiff. You can always count on Yankees fans to bail, if their season isn’t going all that great.

Manslaughter. Man are the Patriots gonna slaughter the Texans this weekend.

Exhibit “A”. The first exhibit ever shown at former Toronto Blue Jays’ home, Exhibition Stadium.

Cross-examination. The way Mets fans feel when they examine some of the moves their team has made over the years.

Voir Dire. Future Knicks first round draft pick from Alsace Lorraine.

Sidebar. The bar we all decide to meet at, after Short Matt says he’s going to be at another one.

Sentence. I must have done something truly horrible in a previous life, given the life sentence I’m currently serving writing for this site.

And, on that note, I rest my case. Come back tomorrow for the good counsel of Buddy Diaz, a man who is still miffed that Derrick Rose missed his court date against the Pelicans the other night.

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • The Donald Trump

    Jalen Rose was with me. He is fantastic.

  • GrindingAx

    Jalen Rose was still stoned from that boat ride with the Giants receiving corps.
    Ward, you can get out of any jury by drooling.

    • You Suck

      Dallas sucks.

      • You Suck is right!

        • AngryWard

          He kinda is. Although it could be a “she.”

        • GrindingAx

          Cowtowing to You Suck? At least Dallas players are not smoking blunts in public.

      • GrindingAx

        Did I mention the Cowboys , You Suck?

  • benwhit

    Our tax dollars st work…

  • jgclancy

    If AW wanted to get out of jury duty during Voir Dire he’d just have to do his George Costanza routine and recite his life story -which needs no embellishment I might add- and the judge would pay for the Uber ride home

    • AngryWard

      Hahaha! You’re not wrong. You and me both would have stories that would have them in tears. I like the “Uber ride home” bit. Well done.

      • Guys, the Millennials don’t know what show you’re referring to… Think Fraggles.

        • jgclancy

          What are Millenials?sort of ike rubgy to me or something?I’m as confused as a hung juror -not that there’s anything wrong with that

  • Cheesybruin

    Congrats on doing your civic doodie, I mean duty, while others are only too concerned about dodging the task. If criminals only knew what type of people are deciding their fate in these jury rooms, the crime rate would drop. Saw a guy bring a pillow to the primary selection room. Great read!

    • AngryWard

      Cheeseman, you are not wrong about those deciding other’s fates. Fairly scary. But also quite a bit of camaraderie in the Jury Pool Room. I talked to some nice folks. There’s more than a little Stockholm Syndrome going on among prospective jurors.

    • Sorry for not commenting sooner but we fell off a chair and knocked ourselves out when we saw the @CheesyBruin was actually commenting!

  • This is Best of The Year stuff. For all others after, we say: “Case dismissed!”

    • AngryWard

      Thanks. Does that mean I’m excused from further MTM duty for 4 years?

      • jgclancy

        It’s MtM

  • Buddy Diaz

    I object to having to watch New England vs Houston. I’d rather watch the Patriots play their scout team!

  • Junoir Blaber

    You must be Jury foreman, only way I could see you dealing with Jury duty.

    • jgclancy

      1 Angry Man and a bunch of people( 11) that want to lynch HIM? and not the defendant. I think you have this backwards.AW-pull that Mets cap down low, keep quiet and read copy The NY POSTsports section.
      P.S.- Shoulda stayed in Manhattan and none of this woulda happened

      • AngryWard

        Don’t think I haven’t thought about the fact that I should have stayed in Manhattan. Eating lunch in Chinatown or Little Italy a tiny bit better than Chipotle or $5.00 Asian on 161st off the Concourse.

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