Angry Ward Wednesday: One Angry Man on Knicks, Jets, Yanks and Other Sports Crimes

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BRONX COUNTY COURTHOUSE, NY – Serving Jury Duty in the Bronx for the first time in my life. What a thrill ride! There’s nothing like being around Yankee Stadium in the dead of winter. It’s a real show spot. Nothing but gypsy cabs, depressing dining opportunities, and black slush as far as the eye can see. On the upside, I have learned a little bit about our legal system. Here are some handy terms, as they relate to sports.

The definition of bleak.

Hostile Witness. Anyone who’s had to witness a New York Jets or New York Knicks game in the last few months.

Burden of Proof. Both Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin often had the great burden of playing baseball while drunk on 90 proof whiskey.

Hung Jury. A jury on which you will never find an “employee” of Meet The Matts.

Overruled. There are a lot of sports with way too many rules, but the biggest offender just might be golf. Along with rules on everything from sand traps to water hazards to filling out scorecards, golf is so anal it makes baseball look positively laissez-faire. Why golf even has Winter Rules. Just ask Judge Smails.

Kangaroo Court. Any tennis court in Australia.

Summons. Summons really gonna regret spending their valuable time reading today’s column.

“I Object!” I personally object to having to root for a team in this weekend’s Dallas/Green Bay game. It’s cruel and unusual punishment, plain and simple.

Dallas Green… Bay?

Swearing in. This site does not allow swearing, even though it is quite “in.”

Bailiff. You can always count on Yankees fans to bail, if their season isn’t going all that great.

Manslaughter. Man are the Patriots gonna slaughter the Texans this weekend.

Exhibit “A”. The first exhibit ever shown at former Toronto Blue Jays’ home, Exhibition Stadium.

Cross-examination. The way Mets fans feel when they examine some of the moves their team has made over the years.

Voir Dire. Future Knicks first round draft pick from Alsace Lorraine.

Sidebar. The bar we all decide to meet at, after Short Matt says he’s going to be at another one.

Sentence. I must have done something truly horrible in a previous life, given the life sentence I’m currently serving writing for this site.

And, on that note, I rest my case. Come back tomorrow for the good counsel of Buddy Diaz, a man who is still miffed that Derrick Rose missed his court date against the Pelicans the other night.

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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