Angry Ward Wednesday: Tom Brady’s Stupid Stolen Super Bowl Jersey is Worth More than My Life

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BRONX, NY – Welcome, my friends, to another Worst Day of the Week in the Worst Month of the Year, in what may turn out to be the worst year of the decade. There’s so little to discuss that isn’t completely depressing, so let’s not try to avoid any of it. Let’s sit down with the elephants and 800-pound gorillas in the room and hash it out.

Tom Brady’s Jersey is, apparently, a National Treasure. By now, we’ve all heard that Tom Brady’s Super Bowl jersey was stolen out of his locker and that everyone is very, very concerned about the well-being of this sweat-stained red, white and blue blouse. How concerned? The Houston police just placed a value on the pretty boy artifact at $500,000. That’s a major case of felony larceny for the thief. It’s only a matter of time before Texas Law sets up roadblocks and does house-to-house searches. 500k is 500k more than I would make doing ten lifetimes worth of writing for this site. A shirt is officially worth much more than me. And the moron who stole it will get zero enjoyment out of it, because if he/she so much as tells a soul about it, it will mean a one-way ticket to the clink. Just ask O.J. what they do to people who steal sports memorabilia. They treat them worse than murderers.

Yes… we’re five.

NBA All Star Game/NBA Trading Deadline. The ridiculous NBA All Star weekend is over, and I’m happy to report that I didn’t watch a second of it. This leads us into the equally pointless NBA trading deadline. Do any of these teams seriously believe they can make a deal to compete with the Golden States and Clevelands and San Antonios of the NBA? Boogie Cousins went from Sacramento to New Orleans, not because he could make the Pelicans so much better, but because a guy named Boogie should be required by law to play in the Big Easy. Otherwise, the only thing to watch this week is to see if the Knicks can dump some of their toxic trash on an equally idiotic team. Good luck with that.

March Madness Still Weeks Away. That is all. Nothing to see here. Don’t talk to me about the Bubble Watch. Don’t ask me to watch the conference tournaments. Don’t even think about suggesting that the crappy team play-in games are the beginning of the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball tournament. Nope. Until those first Thursday and Friday games, which are glorious, I don’t want to hear it.

I’m Not Going to Spring Training. I love being in Florida for Spring Training, but this year I’m not going. And that sucks. Spring Training is awesome. It’s sunshine and beer and kid friendly and more beer, and players like Matt Harvey are still able to crack a half smile before the scrutiny of the regular season beats it out of them. I’m bummed I’m not going to be there. But I just know that MTM management is going to make it all better by getting Opening Day Mets tickets for me and my cronies. Right? Right???

That’s it for this week. Come back manana for Buddy Diaz, a guy who’s seen his share of Spring Training Bras. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward@MeetTheMattsInstagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • Wahoo Warrior

    Mike Conley of the Grizzlies makes $320,000 per game.

    • vinny from brooklyn

      time to work on my shot. haha

      • You know what, you guys might be on to something here!

  • FearlessFlanker7

    The Boogie law the picture made two of my co-workers laugh and they never laugh. Thumbs up.

    • We got some chuckles over that one as well. Glad to see you coming over from RugbyWrapUp.com, by the way!

  • benwhit

    I would definitely take Brady’s jersey over your life.

    • AngryWard

      Would you? Because you could still find some decent uses for my life… like light housework and/or taking care of twin infants while you go out boozing.

      • New Sports Reality Show: Angry Ward, Babysitter.

      • benwhit

        Point taken. Solid post in a crappy sports week.

  • jgclancy

    Spring training also means cheap hot dogs….don’t forget the cheap hot dogs!!!
    The chemicals in your body are worth roughly $160 so i’m equating your value
    not to Marcia’s jersey but to being worth less than an autographed Chuck Knoblauch jersey on eBay. Both are less than the value of burritos I will eat in CA soon for My March Madness.
    March Madness? but all the biggest games are in April?
    Marpril Madness? maybe….

    • AngryWard

      I’m sure you could get a little something for my organs on the black market. Not the liver, but other stuff.

      • What kind of wieners/organs are we talking here?

      • jgclancy

        It’s all bourbon tainted so they’re no bueno….plus,they won’t find your body til two days later sitting in a chair watching a looped tape of the
        1986 Mets highlights clutching an empty bottle of Makers Mark

  • AngryWard

    Sweet Jeebus! Cliff Clavin had a better looking beard. Will the atrocities never end?

    http://deadspin.com/wow-look-upon-colby-rasmuss-beard-and-puke-1792634900

  • Buddy Diaz

    Never been to Spring Training, definitely on the bucket list. The closest I ever been was watching Sidney Ponson pitch for Ponce in the Puerto Rican League. Two dollar rum drinks were awesome and very much needed to get through the game

    • Rum drinks at a Ponce game has an MTM Staff outing all over it!

  • GrindingAx

    Ward, ironically, the guy who OJ stole the stuff from used to sell on eBay under the moniker of Super Bowl Kid. I actually purchased some USC Marcus Allen jerseys from him. Bruce Fromong just may be involved somehow!

  • Junoir Blaber

    I am so sick to death of Tom Brady!

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