STAMFORD, CT: In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ll of course be focusing on the big news that Derek Jeter is going to be a father. Or not… I could write about the Knicks shocking victory over the Spurs, and how it might affect the possibility of a Melo trade or maybe the Rangers’ need of a steady blue-liner to pair with Ryan McDonagh… How about the Giants cutting Victor Cruz yesterday, the classy Giant who rose from practice squad walk-on to superstar slot receiver, in an expected salary cap move? Best of luck to Mr. Cruz, but I’d rather castrate myself with a rusty cheese-grater than revisit these tired story-lines. See, I know what you really want to talk about: Who Stole Tom Brady’s Jersey?
The Crime: For those under a rock, Tom Brady’s jersey was stolen sometime in the 12-minute window between 10:05, when he put the jersey in his bag in his locker to hit the showers, and 10:17, when media members were allowed into the locker room. Brady claims this also happened two years ago in the SB against Seattle. Hey Tom, maybe try giving it to someone for safekeeping next time. Were there no security cameras? Anyway, we here at Meet The Matts have some ideas as to who might have been Brady’s Bandit. Let’s take a look at our Top Suspects.
Suspect #1 – Roger Goodell.
Evidence: The most obvious suspect, Goodell was trying to find evidence for his new theory that Brady’s precision 4th Q/OT passing was due to the installation of sophisticated football guidance system in his jersey. Allegedly, Goodell will be sending it to the Pentagon for investigation at the cost of $4 billion dollars. The funds were earmarked for the league’s concussion prevention policy, but that problem has been eliminated, according to Goodell. He’s already submitted a trademark request for the term “Missile-Gate.”
Suspect #2, – James White.
Evidence: A clear revenge motive, Brady did steal the MVP from him.
Suspect #3 – James McNally.
Evidence: the self-described “Deflator” is reportedly still angry at Brady for letting him take the fall in the scandal. (Hey Bob Kraft, if there was no wrongdoing, why was this guy fired again?) Said McNally, according to someone, “we took the fall for him and all he gave me was a Starbucks gift card and a box of white zinfandel.”
Suspect #4 – Gronk’s Brothers.
Evidence: There is no known motive, but one Houston PD investigator was overheard saying “have you heard those idiots talk? Rob is a genius in this family. I’m not ruling them out on anything.”
Suspect #5 – Kyle Shanahan.
Evidence: One of the more outlandish theories claims it wasn’t a theft, but part of a deal. An eyewitness is purported to have heard Shahanan making the offer to Brady at halftime; “What do I care, I’m going to San Francisco. My kid wants that jersey. I’ll just keep calling pass plays until Ryan falls apart.”
Suspect #6 – Bill Bellichick.
Evidence: this one seems like a longshot, but BB is allegedly on the list because of this quote about Brady; “One who, the more you are around him, the more he grows on you.” An insider with the team claims the quote left out the ending. Bellichick allegedly added in a low voice, “I like to smell him.”
Suspect #7 – Lady Gaga.
Evidence: The harness for her halftime show provided stealth access to any part of the stadium. And if she can sing with Metallica at the Grammy’s, anything is possible.
Who dunnit? Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, a suspect himself in numerous hotdog-cart robberies in the Lower East Side in the late ‘80s. Follow us on Twitter at @benwhit8 & @MeetTheMatts, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.