Angry Ward Wednesday: Brady, Bartolo Colon, Tiger and other Trump Sports Tweets

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BRONX, NY – If it’s Wednesday it must be time for another tired and true (no, that wasn’t a typo) post from yours truly. Let me start by saying that it will be bittersweet seeing the only real baseball hero left, Bartolo Colon, take the hill against the Mets tonight as an Atlanta Brave. I sincerely hope he gets a rousing ovation in the bottom of the first, and another for each of his at-bats. How big is Big Sexy’s return to NYC? Our 45th President is tweeting about it. But then, he’s always tweeted about sports. Here are some prime examples. Spelling errors remain, to preserve authenticity:

Never been a sports event like The Miracle on Ice. Our college kids learned a lot about sportsmanship from those brave Soviet professionals. So did bad Prez, Jimmy Carter.

My good friend Tom Brady’s missing SB jersey found, where else, Mexico. Bad hombres down there. Framed Aaron Hernandez too.

Bartolo Colon back in New York. Hide the food, Melania! Not a handsome man. Still… better looking than Rosie and that Miss Universe chick I don’t like.

Raiders moving to Vegas. Bad idea, guys. They tapp everything in Vegas. Rooms, blackjack tables, showgirls t!ts, the works. People who tapp are crooks. Except Belichick. #genius

 Like the Rangers to win The Stanley Cupp. I know everything about hockey. Phenomenal knowledge. Will miss playoffs. Lotsa work at Mar-a-Lago. Jared watching for me. 

Didn’t duck throwing out first pitch in DC. Don’t believe the lamestream media. Have a cannon arm. Didn’t want to hurt Wieters. GWB throws like a girl compared to me. No problems there, believe me.

Only room for one King in America LeBron. Guess who? That’s right, ME! You can be a Duke, but I WILL need to see your birth certificate.

Tiger missing The Masters this week. Sad. Not only a great golfer (I’m better) but a famous guy (I’m more famouser) who really knows how to treat women.

That’s all we have time for this week. Be sure to come back tomorrow for our own Buddy Diaz, who is on Trump’s “Deport this Guy Immediately” list.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

  • jgclancy

    Oh, that Bartolo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Go A’s!!!

    Too bad Trumpy didn’t throw out a first pitch for the Nats. They put up a nice banner for him and everything. He would have had the biggest standing “Boo-vation” in history–it would have been louder booing than any bad guy wrestler at Wrestlemania!

    • AngryWard

      You should trademark “Standing Boo-vation.” Your lousy A’s blew one late to the Angels last night. Some reliever named Dull (you can’t make this stuff up) coughed up a two run lead in the ninth. Meanwhile, my lousy Mariners are 0-2 and have scored one run. That is all.

      • Jim Clancy

        I usually wait a few to see how my A’s are failing me but I expect more from you lousy Mariners. Dull- perfect for moneyball

        • You’ll be watching the A’s from the other side of The Wall, once Trump’s guys lure you into Mexico with a trail of fish tacos.

          • AngryWard

            I could actually see that happening. I could also see Clancy not caring one bit.

          • jgclancy

            I could easily live in Mexico if guaranteed a bed & fish tacos–no problemo—they’re really just like Irish folk but speak Spanish
            Care?—no, I guess I really wouldn’t

          • Ranch Hand Clancy!

          • jgclancy

            That’s Senor Clancy to you1

          • jgclancy

            trail?–I don’t need no stinkin’ trail. hahahahahaha
            Amazingly, I was just talking to someone in San Diego about fish tacos today—maybe it’s not that amazing come to think of it
            Chewing gum on line again sHoRt oNe -hope you brought some for everyone….
            P.S.–From the top of The Wall it’ll be easier to see the best route back north tocatch an A’s game—today’s fun fact

  • Dude

    believe me, you won’t believe how great all these sports will be once i get all the illegals off the teams. The best

  • This absolute classic of a column/oped was solely responsible for the MTM Edit Department & MTM Censors simultaneously imploding. Picture 10 Humpty Dumpty types in orange and blue onezies. But this is so froggin’ good they’d all do it again… if only they could.

  • GrindingAx

    Needs more Cow Bell!

  • Cheesybruin

    I like Bartolo just as much but wasn’t he a PED user? Why does he get a pass and others are vilified? I guess being fat and jolly works like Santa Claus.

    • jgclancy

      Same as Pettitte……some people are more forgivable…..some make a mistake and realize it and apologize and atone..others like Bonds, Clemens, A-Roid etc… they get a special place in hell —one way airfare paid ahead of time in pennies

    • AngryWard

      Bartolo definitely gets a pass because he’s more fat and lovable. He never denied anything, as far as I can remember. Just took his suspension and kept playing. Clemens and A-Rod were probably the worst of the lot. Lied and lied and kept right on lying, not caring who they dragged along with them, so long as it made them look innocent.

      • Junoir Blaber

        Exactly. That is what makes him so awesome

  • benwhit

    Why don’t you give our astonishingly awesome president a chance?

  • Buddy Diaz

    Framed Aaron Hernandez… Classic case of alternative facts lol

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