Angry Ward Wednesday: Keeping Up With The NFL Free Agency, The NHL Playoffs and The Kardashians

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BRONX, NY – A miserable rainy Tuesday night (Eddie Rabbitt didn’t know what the hell he was talking about) and time to get cranking on the Wednesday edition of Meet The Matts. The good thing about writing about sports is there’s always something to talk about… though it can get a tad repetitious. You know what I mean. “Owners are greedy bastards and Mike Francesa is a raging anti-semite.” (Phil Mushnick) “Another awesome bat flip!!! Boom shacka-lacka!” (ESPN) “Buffalo Good.” (DJ Eberle). Of course, I’m more guilty of rehashing yesterday’s garbage and turning it into Cream of Crap Soup than anyone… so one more time won’t kill anyone. Let’s go!

Adrian Peterson is no Saint. Wait… yes he is! For those of you who hadn’t heard, or rightly don’t give a f**k, longtime Minnesota Vikings all-everything running back Adrian Peterson has signed with the New Orleans Saints. After sweating it out for weeks, it’s nice that AP got a job somewhere. And the Saints kinda owed him, after he fumbled them towards the Super Bowl back in 2010. New Orleans seems like a perfect landing spot for Peterson, given that the majority of folks on Bourbon Street actually enjoy having their asses slapped raw. It’s a win-wince situation.

New York/Ottawa Hockey Bet. The hockey playoff match-up everyone has been waiting for is about to get underway. Yep, the long-simmering blood feud between the New York Rangers and Ottawa Senators is on like Donkey Kong. In a years-old tradition of politicians making sporting events about themselves, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio (*cough* one term mayor *cough*) and Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson (probably a serial killer) will be making a friendly wager on the series. If Ottawa wins, Alanis Morissette gets to torture MTA passengers for a year by singing in New York subway stations and bus shelters. If the Rangers prevail, de Blasio’s wife, Chirlane McCray, has to go north to live with Ottawa native Denis Potvin for a year. A much easier bet would have been Ottawa loses and Bill D. becomes their mayor for a year/Rangers lose and Bill D. stays our mayor for a year.

The Kardashians are Sports Poison. This has been covered before, but the Kardashian family is absolute nuclear Kryptonite to athletes. Patriarch Robert Kardashian was a buddy of OJ Simpson, and we know how that turned out. Mom, Kris Jenner, sent one of America’s most-decorated athletes into the gender relocation program. Kim only, maybe, screwed up Reggie Bush and that NBA player nobody remembers. But, she’s got bigger fish to fry. Khloe, on the other hand, has been prolific. For starters she married Lamar Odom, who proceeded to try to kill himself by drugs and hookers, which is seriously the best failed suicide attempt ever. She then dated current NBA MVP candidate James Harden for several months before he thought, “I’d rather live and be great at basketball than turn into the next Unabomber.” She’s now dating Cleveland Cavaliers center Tristan Thompson, who will most probably end up turning into a killer clown who lives in the sewer. Don’t worry, LeBron can work with that.

That’s all he wrote for this week. Tune in tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a good guy who deserves better than me being his warm-up act. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • Junoir Blaber

    The Kardashians are America. They are a symbol of everything we have become. Non-talent having desperate for attention, vapid, morale-less sub-humans.

    • The Donald Trump

      Wrong. Those fat asses are nothing anymore. I am America! That’s terrific. Believe me. The world loves America because of me!

      • AngryWard

        He’s kinda right. He’s proven to be a much more colossal ass than any of the Kardashians.

      • Matt McCarthy

        No denying you’re attracting eyes.

  • bosoxbruins04

    I have been in a few win/wince situations with the Pats! Haha

  • AngryWard

    I rip management every chance I get here, but I would like to commend them for including the video from “Quick Change,” one of my favorite underrated comedies of all time. As Donald Trump says when ordering a steak… Well done.

    • Cheesybruin

      NEVER take the BQE to the airport, Ward! Great New York movie!

      • AngryWard

        Cheeseman, did you know that”Quick Change” was adapted from a book of the same title written by one Jay Cronley. He also wrote a book called “Good Vibes” that was later turned into the movie “Let It Ride.” Finally, he penned a book called “Funny Farm,” which might also sound familiar. Sadly, I see that the former newspaper columnist just passed away this past February. Still, pretty solid resume, eh?

        • Caitlin Bruce Jenner

          My resume is only beginning. ?

          • AngryWard

            You were great in “Can’t Stop the Music” with the Village People and Valerie Perrine. Had such high hopes for your movie career.

          • It is a tad disconcerting or alarming, that you know this information so readily. Must be a “Wild” fan.

          • AngryWard

            What can I say, I’m an amateur film historian. Speaking of which, RIP Jonathan Demme. I didn’t know he was from Baldwin, Long Island. A pretty good resume himself with “Silence of the Lambs” and “Philadelphia.” Still, my fave is “Something Wild.” Really good movie and great soundtrack.

          • Matt McCarthy

            And a nice man. His nephew Ted went before him, unfortunately. Another good guy.

          • We are behind you… 100%

      • Short Matt and his brother had the pleasure of working on it.

        • GrindingAx

          On the BQE? No wonder it’s a mess!

  • Babe Roof

    If only we could all almost go out like Lamar Odom!!

  • GrindingAx

    Ward,
    How can you miss such a HUGE story today? ESPN is shedding itself of 100 on air schmucks thus reducing it’s total stable of annoying? idiots by 10 percent. Apparently they are realizing that most viewers want sports without the side of corn.

    • Matt McCarthy

      How about they shed some channels? One network of solid programming – imagine that?!

    • AngryWard

      Does this mean that Ed Werder has to move his bed and belongings out of the Cowboys’ locker room?

  • Buddy Diaz

    If Lebron and the Cavs don’t win the NBA Championship, it won’t because they have a terrible defense. It will be because of Khloe and rightfully so!

  • benwhit

    If he had just applied himself more with the drugs and hookers, he could’ve made it happen. No heart.

  • Matt McCarthy

    If only Rob Ford was still the Mayor of Canada!

  • jgclancy

    So where will all of MtM’s writers be sitting for the Rangers game? Stay tuned?

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