Angry Ward Wednesday: New York Mehs, Baby Bummers, Other Spring Ennui & #GoodMetsFun


Angry Ward, Sterling and Waldman… Not #GoodMetsFun!

BRONX, NY –  We’re only a little over a week into the 2017 Major League Baseball season and, already, I’m not feeling it. Sports fans really need baseball this time of year… especially fans in New York, where the combined efforts of the Giants, Jets, Nets, and Knicks have left Gothamites drifting the streets dead-eyed and drooling, like they just binge-watched every episode of “Punky Brewster.” People need baseball. It gives us a reason to spend 3 hours plus indoors on a Sunday outside of football season, as well as makes NYC traffic move a helluva lot faster when Sterling & Waldman are doing Yankees games and peoples’ ears start bleeding. Anyway, here’s what we got so far.

Queens of the Stone Age. As I write this, the Mets are really taking it to the hated Phillies of Philadelphia. It’s 5-0 in the second inning and former Mets #1 pitcher, and budding Eurotrash poster boy, Matt Harvey is dealing. Still, are the Phillies any kind of measuring stick? So far this year has gone as expected for the Metropolitans: great pitching, iffy offense, and nothing from David Wright. These Mets remind me of those teams in the 70s that had awesome pitchers like Seaver, Koosman, Matlack, and Swan and nothing in the way of run production. I’m hoping that Asdrubal Cabrera and Jay Bruce can become team leaders and fire up this team to consistently score more than 2 runs a game. If you don’t have dreams, you have nightmares.

The Boss Babies. As for the Yankees, they get a well deserved Tuesday night off after winning their home opener over Tampa Bay and raising their record to 3-4 after their usual craptastic start. Let’s just cut to the chase (Headley), the Yanks are not going to make the playoffs this year. They can pretty much just sit around hoping that they finish 3rd in the AL East, which would be an accomplishment. They’re currently waiting for their own “Sanchize” to come off the DL and to find out that Michael Pineda juiced prior to his last start. Otherwise, the only thing to watch on this team is home plate high fives between that squirt Ronald Torreyes (Joe Torre’s eyes were dark and baggy) and pituitary case Aaron Judge. They look like Billy Crystal and Gheorghe Muresan in the no-one-ever-seen-it box office flop, “My Giant.”  It’s a boring one-ring circus, but it’s the only circus in town, kiddies.

NFL Draft. *Frog the NFL Draft! It’s a colossal waste of time. It’s just north of the NFL announcing its preseason schedule. I mean, c’mon. Screw you NFL! Wake me in September when the games (almost) mean something. *See this for “frog the NFL Draft” clarification.

NHL Playoffs. The only glimmer of hope right now is the NHL playoffs. But, unfortunately, some of the best series will happen super early and we’ll be left with garbage by the end. Still, hope the Rangers/Habs is as entertaining as it seems like it can be. Same for the Caps and Pens, if they meet in the second round. Otherwise, it’s time to start writing about politics and horrible farm-to-table restaurants.

See ya next week, if I’m out of my sports coma. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who went farm to table to MTM. That’s devolution, people. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward @MeetTheMattsInstagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

P.s… Management understands that inserting our latest on-camera antics will infuriate Angry Ward. Not only is he in it, however, but he actually steals the segment from Junoir Blaber, Cowbell Man, Triple F and Crafty Chris. This is no small task! And it’s Sweeps Week, for Pete Falcone’s sake! So, in taking a page from the current Administration’s book, Management is forcing pieces together that simply don’t fit and calling the ensuing mess, “Terrific. The best ever. Really fantastic.” With that, please enjoy the first installment of #GoodMetsFun:

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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