Angry Ward Wednesday: New York Mehs, Baby Bummers, Other Spring Ennui & #GoodMetsFun

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Angry Ward, Sterling and Waldman… Not #GoodMetsFun!

BRONX, NY –  We’re only a little over a week into the 2017 Major League Baseball season and, already, I’m not feeling it. Sports fans really need baseball this time of year… especially fans in New York, where the combined efforts of the Giants, Jets, Nets, and Knicks have left Gothamites drifting the streets dead-eyed and drooling, like they just binge-watched every episode of “Punky Brewster.” People need baseball. It gives us a reason to spend 3 hours plus indoors on a Sunday outside of football season, as well as makes NYC traffic move a helluva lot faster when Sterling & Waldman are doing Yankees games and peoples’ ears start bleeding. Anyway, here’s what we got so far.

Queens of the Stone Age. As I write this, the Mets are really taking it to the hated Phillies of Philadelphia. It’s 5-0 in the second inning and former Mets #1 pitcher, and budding Eurotrash poster boy, Matt Harvey is dealing. Still, are the Phillies any kind of measuring stick? So far this year has gone as expected for the Metropolitans: great pitching, iffy offense, and nothing from David Wright. These Mets remind me of those teams in the 70s that had awesome pitchers like Seaver, Koosman, Matlack, and Swan and nothing in the way of run production. I’m hoping that Asdrubal Cabrera and Jay Bruce can become team leaders and fire up this team to consistently score more than 2 runs a game. If you don’t have dreams, you have nightmares.

The Boss Babies. As for the Yankees, they get a well deserved Tuesday night off after winning their home opener over Tampa Bay and raising their record to 3-4 after their usual craptastic start. Let’s just cut to the chase (Headley), the Yanks are not going to make the playoffs this year. They can pretty much just sit around hoping that they finish 3rd in the AL East, which would be an accomplishment. They’re currently waiting for their own “Sanchize” to come off the DL and to find out that Michael Pineda juiced prior to his last start. Otherwise, the only thing to watch on this team is home plate high fives between that squirt Ronald Torreyes (Joe Torre’s eyes were dark and baggy) and pituitary case Aaron Judge. They look like Billy Crystal and Gheorghe Muresan in the no-one-ever-seen-it box office flop, “My Giant.”  It’s a boring one-ring circus, but it’s the only circus in town, kiddies.

NFL Draft. *Frog the NFL Draft! It’s a colossal waste of time. It’s just north of the NFL announcing its preseason schedule. I mean, c’mon. Screw you NFL! Wake me in September when the games (almost) mean something. *See this for “frog the NFL Draft” clarification.

NHL Playoffs. The only glimmer of hope right now is the NHL playoffs. But, unfortunately, some of the best series will happen super early and we’ll be left with garbage by the end. Still, hope the Rangers/Habs is as entertaining as it seems like it can be. Same for the Caps and Pens, if they meet in the second round. Otherwise, it’s time to start writing about politics and horrible farm-to-table restaurants.

See ya next week, if I’m out of my sports coma. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who went farm to table to MTM. That’s devolution, people. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward @MeetTheMattsInstagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

P.s… Management understands that inserting our latest on-camera antics will infuriate Angry Ward. Not only is he in it, however, but he actually steals the segment from Junoir Blaber, Cowbell Man, Triple F and Crafty Chris. This is no small task! And it’s Sweeps Week, for Pete Falcone’s sake! So, in taking a page from the current Administration’s book, Management is forcing pieces together that simply don’t fit and calling the ensuing mess, “Terrific. The best ever. Really fantastic.” With that, please enjoy the first installment of #GoodMetsFun:

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About the Author ()

Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • FATNUTZ

    Very good. Your right about the boss babies and Harvey. Video gets Mets fans as the goofballs they are.

    • staten island stench

      As a Yankees fan I hate to say this but there is more euro trash at Yankee games and tourists automatically get the hat which pisses me off.

    • AngryWard

      The Mets offense went bonkers last night as I was writing. I’ve clearly tapped into some motivational magic. Either that or the Mets are still super streaky, like they’ve been for the past 10 years.

      • You need to produce content every time the Mets play on grass at night, now!

  • Cheesybruin

    Has Junoir ever made a bet where he won??? At least he looks good in orange and blue. Very good production. Ward, there are enough ‘cinderellas’ in the NHL playoffs so the second round could be fun. Predators, Flames out West and Bruins or Senators in the East.

    • AngryWard

      You really think your Bruins can beat the Sens?

      • Junoir Blaber

        Are you and Clancy free on either a M/T/W afternoon for lunch? My treat.

        • Cheesybruin

          Need babysitters?

          • jgclancy

            Line of the day!

      • Cheesybruin

        It’s amazing that the Vegas Wiseguys have the Bruins a pretty decent favorite to get past the Sens. They clearly know something that I don’t because my first thought was that the Bruins would be lucky to win ONE game with all the injuries on the defensive side and Craig Anderson playing out of his mind against the Bruins. These odds have me wondering if I’m underestimating my own team.

  • Cam_James

    BLUES WIN STANLEY CUP WINNING 16 STRAIGHT GAMES BY A TOTAL SCORE OF 15-0!!!!!

    I bet we get more hockey from Matt come monday when he falls off his 40 pieces of silver wagon.

    David Wright will be riding the bench for the Shasky’s before the All Star Break.

    • AngryWard

      There is no way this is the real Cam James! Can’t be. I mean, if it is, how on earth did you fake your own death and break free of this vortex? The people have a right to know! Whoever you are, I hope you’re wrong about the Blues. They play my Wild in the 1st round.

      • Cam_James

        I didn’t fake my death. I skied off a cliff and was preserved by the snow and ice in a cryogenic fashion and I have just thawed out in a world wherein my 2013 mediocrity has allowed me to succeed in 2017 because I am now the smartest person in the city of Denver (Everyone is homeless or hipster and you generally can’t tell which is which). Basically I am living a life analogous to the plot of idiocracy.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBvIweCIgwk

        • Ward, slaughter a pig! Cam & Finns have returned!!!

        • AngryWard

          My friend Dave is in that prescient movie. Denver, eh? Are you running a weed dispensary?

          • Cam_James

            Running a dispensary is so 2015 ward. The real money is in being the guy on 16th street with a dog that wears a hat. Everyone loves the guy who has a dog wearing a hat.

            Me I am simply enjoying dichotomy of life in a strange land where I can ski and golf in the same day and shoot animals for fun and get yelled at for shooting animals for fun in the same day.

            The only thing that is universal about this place is that BRONCOS FANS ARE THE WORST HUMANS ON THE PLANET.

            Right now the following conversation is going on in trailers from the Kansas border all the way to Grand Junction, “Son, We have a choice to make as a family. Give up our Broncos tickets or fix the hole in the roof that is allowing the rain and Mountain lions in. I know we lost your sister to the lion this season and your bed is rotting but i think we have a compromise. Lets keep the tickets and put some trash bags up on the roof this time. It may not keep the lion out but it will take care of the rain. Besides its your sisters fault she isn’t a good shot anyways.”

          • AngryWard

            I would say that your description of Broncos fans in Denver is spot on. Our own CheesyBruin lived out that way decades ago and filed the same report. Said that Broncs fans were insufferable, even when compared to Yankees fans.

          • Cam_James

            I will take bleacher creatures all day over the nonsense here. The ridiculousness extends to the media. The whole town is delusional. Days after last years draft day on broncos talk radio, “I think we got a real winner in Packs My Lunch. He throws better than Elway and runs better too. Trevor Simien is a bum and won’t play. Packs my Lunch is the future. He probably wins 14 games and is the first rookie qb to ever win a SB while playing a complete season”

            Paxton Lynch doesn’t play.

          • Cheesybruin

            Broncos fans are lousy football fans…their knowledge goes only so far as the Oakland-Las Vegas Raiders.

          • Cheesybruin

            I worked in a bank with an older man who wore an orange suit on the Friday before every Broncos home game. What a, oh, wait a minute, sounds like somebody we all know and love.

    • Cheesybruin

      Welcome Back, Cam!

      • Cam_James

        I woke up this morning and thought to myself i wish i had a bunch of northeastern hockey snobs that i could predict a Blues cup run too and then i thought, “Oh wait….I already have a group of dolts like that!” Alas, I have been making this prediction for 30 years not and it has never come true. #cubsofhockey

        • buffalobilly84

          The Blues are the Sabres but better right now. Sign me up for some good Mets fun!! Who is crafty Chris?

  • Finns

    Everything is backWard.

    • AngryWard

      Who’s next out of the woodwork today? Lori Levine? Jillian Brooks? The Public Professor?

  • benwhit

    You can’t include the Giants in that mess. Come on.

    • All A-Dubya sees is The Color Purple… when he isn’t seeing red, of course.

    • AngryWard

      The Giants made the playoffs, lost in the first round and, what, we’re supposed to throw them a parade? You’re right, they don’t belong with the other 3, but I have my doubts about their return to relevancy. Though ownership certainly feels confident… as evidenced by the inflated ticket prices for 2017.

      • benwhit

        I think there’s some middle ground between throw them a parade and the Nets.

        • Junoir Blaber

          Can the Giants WRs boat run-a-ground on that middle ground?

  • Buddy Diaz

    Torreyes is the best Yankee ever, with a name like Gleyber how can you not love him. I didn’t know he made the team.

    Oops Im thinking of the wrong guy! The mole guy is good too

  • jgclancy

    Cam James returns???…..I’d have bet it all on Karma Shield AGAIN if I thought that were possible. Colorado is a hellhole regardless of anything he says–First failure point–NO OCEAN! Second failure point–Broncos fans. I could go on until point 5,280 -get out!
    I must say -Junoir Blaber is the first one to ever (and I mean EVER) put on an MtM Orange Suit and look good in it at a Mets game…freakin’ African–who knew?!
    I’m just rooting for a first round win for CheesyBruin’s Boston Bruin’s…..yeah,I hate the Bruins as much as The Habs but sometimes ya bite the bullet for a friend’s moment of happiness if for just one game.
    As psuedo-legal counselor to my client, Mr. Toad, who has asked about suing MtM for all it’s worth for such disparaging albeit vague & incoherent remarks in comparing frogs to the NFL Draft (i.e. – *Frog the NFL Draft!) I had to tell him that buying Angry Ward and I brunch as legal fees would cost him more than he could get out of this two bit,dime a dozen, dog & pony show farce the Short One calls home.
    Go A’s !

    • Cam_James

      Anything is possible Clancy…that is anything but Matt McCarthy every having a head of hair again.

      • jgclancy

        I bet even Bosley has his phone number blocked

        • The Donald Trump

          I have terrific hair. Really fantastic. Melania loves almost touching it.

  • Thomas The Tank

    This was a solid day here on all accounts. The bunk tile video and the fun video were great. The angry guy never disappoints.

  • Drunk In Joisey

    Those suits are hideous. I want them! ?

  • Buddy Diaz

    What’s the record for total comments in one article. Did we brake it? How many more do we need? It should happen today!

    Also because of the burn out, i will have one comment on my Knicks article tomorrow but I won’t care about that if we can somehow set records today! Kudos Angry Ward! Always a great read and even better commenter!

  • GrindingAx

    Ward,

    Did you say Cowbell? We need more Cowbell! That picture of your threesome is simply disturbing.

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