A Renaissance Unlike Any Other: Crazy Cardinals Fan Snaps, Weed at Rockies Games, Vonn Nude

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“In this defunct microcosm, eerily similar to the DPRK, the Broncos are the army and John Elway is the peoples’ Dear Leader.”Cam James

Cardinals Fan Cam James…

MILE HIGH CLUB, CO – When I was just a young boy, I had a baseball coach who liked to use metaphors to explain life lessons.  Generally these lessons were often of a nature that would make fathers laugh, mothers cringe, and the team swoon for the promised land of adulthood.  One of my favorite parables I learned from this degenerate was the story of the rubber band.

Seemingly innocuous in nature, the rubber band holds together the things inside its grasps.  This can provide utility.  This can provide security.  This can also provide pain.  The rubber band waxes and wanes its grip effortlessly, to the point of lulling its captives into a sense of freedom as if the rubber band doesn’t exist.  Then right as you are at your most comfortable, the rubber band reminds you with a stinging snap that you will never get away… ever. The examples my coach gave for the rubber bands of life were ex-wives, bastard children, and the grace/wrath of the Almighty Father.  Moral of the story; Be careful what rubber bands you place on yourself, as you will never… get…  away. To that end, I have the great honor of coming out of retirement and writing for my favorite rubber-headed, rubber band, Shorty McShort Stack Matt, who still has his grip on me – even though I have stretched his gentle embrace two thousand miles out to Denver.

The Rockies are a trip, man.

As a now “West Coast Correspondent (not named West Coast Craig),” I will fully embrace my role of being the guy that publishes on an infrequent basis.  I will embrace being the guy that no one will read, as my posts will always be aired during off-peak times about things that no one in their right mind would care to read about. After all, the highlight of the sporting competitions around here are events like;
Who Can Roll The Dankest Blunt Before We Go To A Rockies Game
Who Can Get The Most Drugs Past Red Rocks Security For The 3rd Straight Night of Phish
-Who Can Sneak Into Team USA Ski Practice To See What Lindsay Vonn and Mikaela Shiffrin Really Look Like In Spandex
-The Annual Leadville Skijoring Competition (see video).

Putting all shenanigans aside, there is one serious change of note to my sports allegiances…  For those of you that didn’t already know I, Cam James, am no longer a Rams fan. Stan Kroenke is my Art Modell and I hope they lose every game for the rest of their existence.  My new allegiance is to the greatest franchise west of the Mississippi, in the KC Chefs Chiefs.  This decision was impacted by many factors including but not limited to; family ties (cousin interned with Chiefs and the whole family are Chiefs fans), Time in NYC (Giants were a close second, Jets never had a chance), Current location (The Chiefs gave me a great platform for Broncos bashing).

Click

Since my move, Broncos bashing has become an activity I am uniquely fond of.  In NYC, witty exchange is generally two-sided, unless you are dealing with Yankees bleacher creatures – who aren’t capable of forming sentences. Here in Denver, no one knows how to respond to a dig. It’s as if they have never heard someone criticize their beloved team before. In this defunct microcosm, eerily similar to the DPRK, the Broncos are the army and John Elway is the peoples’ Dear Leader.  This is why I am happy to bring you a new recurring segment and the closing sentiment to this week’s column; Dumb stuff John Elway would say.

Okay, but how about IN spandex?! (Click)

This week’s quote: “If Myles Garret was as amazing an athlete as I am he would sign with the Yankees and never have to play a day in a Browns uniform.”John Elway

And with that the comeback is complete. Please fire your pucks below and check us out on Twitter @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts. And back tomorrow for a man whom is his own army, @CheesyBruin.

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About the Author ()

Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues… Thus his occasional “Ram Rules” column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he’s Opie Taylor white.

  • buffalobilly84

    I like this. Especially skijorring. We could do that here.

  • Maureen

    What about the Spandex?? ? You boys are funny!

  • Welcome home, Cameron James. May your May be full of stoned skijorring (is there any other kind) and you Broncos [Ball] Busting be both bountiful and believable… We had no idea that John Elway is bonkers. You’ve already enlightened us with your reporting…

    Speaking of reporting, Happy Birthday to the Greatest Broadcaster of our Time, Gary Cohen. Have some ice cold Schaefer Beers on us, GC. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e0b73c47ba789531c59530cd4582101c1bf89ddce04c0219741a8a3122d5abec.png

    • AngryWard

      I could go for a cold Schaefer right about now. Mets somehow won again.

  • Cheesybruin

    No person in Denver knows how to respond to an expletive either. If there’s such a thing as being too polite, Coloradans are exactly that. I missed having someone curse right back at me while I was out there. What part of CO are you in, Cam?

    • Cam_James

      I live in downtown Denver along with thousands of other transients. There aren’t a ton of locals living downtown but the locals are easy to spot. Broncos orange is year round attire here.

      • Cheesybruin

        Used to be you could find a reasonable apartment to rent but from what I know those days are long gone. You should’ve become a Raiders fan to make things more interesting.

  • AngryWard

    Cam, great that you are taking time to enjoy bashing the Broncs and their fans. That offensive tackle they took in the first rounds scared the hell out of me. He seemed dangerous in a “Lenny in ‘Of Mice and Men'” kind of way. You should get some enjoyment out of that guy.

  • Cam_James

    I called it. Sens blues. Rangers are now dead

  • benwhit

    Bleacher Creatures are fine human beings

  • Junoir Blaber

    Nice Elway quote

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