Angry Ward Wednesday: All I Need to Know About Sports I Learned From Donald Trump

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BRONX, NY – A few weeks back I poked a little fun at our current President by coming up with some completely fabricated sports-related tweets by him. Those words were clearly not his. For starters, there were no spelling errors. The other dead giveaway was, unlike his genuine twitter rants, #45 suffered absolutely no self-inflicted damage as a result. The truth is, among all of his brain farts and foibles, Donald Trump knows a LOT about sports. And, as he does each day with our country, he leads by example. Here then are some Indispensable Sports Lessons From DJT.

When Choosing Up Sides, Pick the Scrubs LAST. You learn this one on the playground. Don’t worry, they’ll get picked eventually. Just, whatever you do, don’t pick them first.

A Craptastic Team!

No Hand-Checking! There’s always some “hand fighting” in NFL games, but in the NBA it is strictly verboten. Here Donald and Melania show you how to keep that hand-checking in check.

Share the Championship Trophy with Your Teammates. No one knows better than Big Don that you don’t win titles all by yourself. Share the wealth.

Like many pro teams, the Saudis need more offensive weapons.

Screwball

If You Throw Like a Spaz, Never Agree to Throw Out a First Pitch. Even people the KNOW how to play the game have made fools of themselves. Don’t fall for it.

Stay Off the Crack. You don’t need drugs, kids. You can be crazy without them.

Let Someone Else Coach Your Kids. Trying to mold your offspring in your image can often be disastrous, creating even worse versions of yourself… if you can imagine.

Try Not to Look Like Putz on the Medal Stand. If you’re not sure how to act, see Eruzione, Mike.

Avoid Obnoxious Fans at All Costs. You can spot them anywhere. Louts, troublemakers, drunken stumblebums… Philadelphians. Keep your distance.

DJT has so many lessons to teach us, and such little time (I hope). If this becomes a recurring column, we’re all in trouble.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a guy who knows that Israel is in the Middle East. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward, @MeetTheMatts & @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

Where’s an elephant when you need one?

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.
  • GrindingAx

    Ward, very pithy. Great picture of the President at the Wailing Wall. It accentuates the size of his HUGE hands. I believe the Dems are planning on constructing one of those walls at party headquarters.

    • The Donald Trump

      I have the hugest hands of anyone I know. Bigly hands. Really fantastic. Trust me.

  • benwhit

    Very funny Ward.

    How about don’t give the playbook to the other team (classified intel).

    • AngryWard

      Unfortunately, this bit can be recurring. Excellent add on “playbook.” The current trip alone could have filled this post. I thought of including “Always know where you are on the field” and his announcement in Israel that “I was just in the Middle East.” Ugh.

      • “Do you remember where you were last August?” -The Gipper, starring in “The Iran Contra Affair.”

      • benwhit

        I like it

      • benwhit

        There’s a salary cap joke in the $2 trillion “error” in the budget

  • jgclancy

    Nice to see no postage needed this week. Any picture of the “do-gooders” we’ll need to defeat the “evil losers”?
    Your Warriors should win it all -unless some lowlife hack steps on Curry’s ankle.of course.
    Go A’s!

    • AngryWard

      I predict someone will one day do a movie about Trump’s meeting with the Pope. Same way they recently did an Elvis/Nixon flick.

      • Speaking of Elvis… Kurt Russell and his father Bing were in a movie about Elvis. Why bring them up? We just saw The Battered Bastards of Baseball on Netflix. It is a must. Bing Russell bought the independent team in Portland and revolutionized minor league baseball.

        • AngryWard

          You JUST saw that? It’s been out for a long time. Though, I have yet to watch myself.

  • staten island stench

    Can somebody hunt down the Trump d*cks he calls sons? At least shoot them with paint balls?????

    *Edited by MTM Censors!

    • Jeepers! We categorically and unequivocally deny any affiliation with any of the above.

    • Junoir Blaber

      Udai and Kusai are their names.

      Great piece Ward.

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