Big Ben Tuesday: Dysfunctional Mets and Curious Case of the Giant “Toy”

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METSVILLE, USA – As the baseball season moves toward summer, things are looking bright in the Bronx but querulous in Queens with the Dysfunctional Mets. The NBA playoffs, on the other hand, are the worst warmup band ever. Can we get to the Cavs vs Warriors already?

Straight Rollin’

How Much is that Dildo in the Picture?

So, Matt Harvey was suspended for sneaking a large dildo into a picture Tweeted out by the Mets. I know the suspension may have also had something to do with golf, but I think I’ll stick with dildo jokes, thankyouverymuch. This, by the way, was shortly after their other star pitcher decided not to get an MRI. How is that an option? “We asked him, but he said he’s good.”

I know this is a Metsville, USA, but someone has to talk about the absurd levels of orange and blue dysfunction. But getting back to the dildo, was it Harvey’s? Maybe his arm isn’t the only thing having performance issues. Heyo! Wait, can I even say dildo here? “Homer, here are your pickles.” “I said sweet pickles, not dill. D’oh!”

Not that the Mets will miss Harvey and his 5 plus ERA for a few days, but still. Wasn’t he a good pitcher for a little while? It’s hard to recall. I’m glad to see that he’s completely focused on coming back from Thoracic Outlet Syndrome and returning to the top of his game. Harvey needs to find a thoracic outlet from Queens asap.

Have you ever seen a team this snake-bitten by injuries two years in a row? It’s hard to even makes jokes anymore. All these injuries can’t be just bad luck. Seriously, who is running their training program, Derrick Rose? This team is screwed if Trumpcare passes, they’ve got more pre-existing conditions than a leper colony. Ok, I guess it’s not that hard to make jokes. But talk about lunatics running the asylum. Or Madoffs running the books. Get your house in order, Son.

Aaron Judge Not Lest Ye Be Aaron Judged Yourself

Whenever a Yankee rookie starts jacking dingers, some blockhead Mets’ fan brings up Kevin Maas. Aaron Judge has a history of struggling when he moves up a level, then figuring it out. This guys is figuring it out folks. The terrible “judge” puns will be your punishment for the Maas jokes.

We bet the Steinbrenner’s $1 that I could ruin Harvey’s career and make Ronald Torreyes a champion.

The Yankees’ smooth transition from a squad weighed down by overpriced, declining vets to a merry band of blossoming youngsters has happened faster than expected. They’ve integrated useful, short-term vets like Matt Holiday to help the youngsters’ development. The lineup is long, the bullpen is deep, and the starters are looking surprisingly efficient. The Yankees reloading their arsenal with modern weaponry has been exciting, but it has made the Mets’ situation look even worse.

Met Trolls on these pages were quick to laugh at the Yankees’ 1-4 start and to write off the early surge as a product of weak opponents. Maybe a sweep of the World Champion Cubs was the wake-up call. You want a come from behind, down to their final strike win? You got it. A blowout? Done. You want a grind it out, extra inning victory after blowing a late lead? Done and done. This team can beat you in different ways. If they can hang tight into the dog days, expect them to look to buy buy buy, Mortimer. I’m officially excited.

They sure might have messed up Harvey’s.

KD Chases a Hollow Ring

The Celtics/Wizards and Spurs/Rockets are locked in 2-2 series to determine who gets swept by the Cavs and Warriors. Draymond Green had a mini meltdown in Game 3, but it didn’t hurt the Warriors because they have Draymond Insurance now, in the form of Kevin Durant. KD scored 38 and made up for Draymond’s antics and an off night from the Splash Bros.

How sucky is the Superteam Era? I was critical of Durant when he jumped ship to the Warriors last summer, and I still don’t understand his decision. You blew a 3-1 lead in the playoffs. But instead of working for a chance at redemption, you sign with the team that bounced you? It feels gross, like taking back your girlfriend after she cheated on you. That’s why it was refreshing to see this Damian Lillard Tweet after his Blazers lost to the Warriors.

I’m willing to not win it. If I can’t build it where I am.  

That’s what I’m talking about Damian. All in. Get rich or die tryin’. But don’t confuse Lillard’s quote with the similar Phil Jackson quote. Phil said, “I’m willing to not win it here, if they pay me a truck load of money.”

That’s it for me. Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, the only man who can explain why Alain Vigneault insists on having Marc Staal on the ice in crunch time no matter how many times it burns him. Follow us on Twitter at @benwhit, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About the Author ()

Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest “rounders” games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.

  • AngryWard

    I was not happy when Durant decided to sign with the Warriors. As someone who has spent years decrying the have-it-all New York Yankees-type franchises of the sports world, I was not looking forward to my basketball team becoming one of them. But, Durant has really won me over. He’s a much a professional as he is a physical freak. And, you hit the nail on the head, his cerebral approach is a great counter to Draymond Green’s rageaholic. Watching Green lose his sh!t in Game 3 I was reminded how easy it is for smart players (*see LeBron James and James Harden) to get under his skin. Durant’s defensive play, particularly, helps fill the void if Green gets himself ejected or suspended. But, yeah, let’s get to the Finals already.

    • So the Warriors are the Yankees of baseball. Nice choice of teams to root for, A-Dubya.

  • Phil

    The Mets are more dysfunctional than the Matts and this stupid website

    • “Dysfunction breeds creativity.” -Jeff Wilpon

      • Phil’s Brother

        Then I stand corrected. This site is obviously NOT dysfunctional.

  • benwhit

    Oh man. Toy?

    • You have violated the terms of our “staff decency headlines agreement!” We expect your grievance in short order.

      • benwhit

        Point out the ineptitude of Mets’ management?

  • jgclancy

    Go Rangers!

  • Matt Harvey apologized! In. Your. Face. Benny… However, your one-liners in this piece were absolutely perfect. ” more pre-existing conditions than a leper colony.” Classic

    • benwhit

      The suspension seems not to have much to do with the D. Call it willful blindness on my part.

      • AngryWard

        The Dildo was the bigger story.

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