Angry Ward Wednesday: Peyton Plays, Macron Makes His Move, and Pour One Out for Your Comey

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BRONX, NY – Plenty to talk about in sports this week. There was another Marlins no-hitter in baseball last weekend (yawn). Some MMA guy named War Machine got life in prison after being convicted of 29 felonies associated with an attack on his girlfriend (sounds about right). And tonight, the oh-so-brave Cleveland Cavaliers will do everything in their powers to protect our American freedom to watch an entertaining NBA Finals, by vanquishing the menace known as the Golden State Warriors. They’ll have to do it armed only with the best player in basketball, a couple of other all-stars, and little else. The fate of a nation hangs in the balance. But let’s talk about some other sh!t.

Peyton Manning played golf with President Trump last weekend. I have never really had any problem with Peyton Manning. It didn’t bother me all that much when he yelled “OMAHA” every goddamn play that one season. I mostly looked the other way when he decided to be the torch-bearer for the worst pizza in America. I even found it mildly amusing when he won his second Super Bowl title even though he couldn’t throw a pass over 5 yards. But he DOESN’T get a pass for golfing with Trump. Sorry. I know he’s the Prez and all, but wake up and smell the horsesh!t already, Peyton, you grew up around enough of it. If you want to fiddle with Nero as Rome burns, that’s your business. But now, for me, you’re not IN on the joke, you’re part of it.

Is that Eli caddying?

What else? Oh, the new President of France, Emmanuel Macron, is already becoming something of a rock star. Aside from marrying his childhood drama teacher (how French!), he gave Trump a taste of his own medicine with a bone-crunching handshake and then went out of his way to ignore the Creamsicle in Chief as he approached a group of NATO leaders in Brussels (which somehow didn’t include Jean-Claude Van Damme). He’s also courting discouraged American scientists to come work on climate change solutions in his country. At this rate it won’t be long before Macron poaches LeBron from the Cavs. Paris is a place where LeBron (which roughly translates into “The Bron”) has yet to take his talents.

In other news, former FBI Director James Comey is set to testify before the Senate tomorrow. I haven’t been this excited to watch a bland, 6′ 8″ white guy on TV since Lee Guetterman pitched for the Mets. Hopefully Comey’s stuff is a little better than LG’s.

Finally, do I really need to write about Rex and Rob Ryan getting drunk, rowdy, and randy at a bar in Nashville? Does this sort of thing even need to be reported? I’m pretty sure we can assume that, at any given moment, the Ryan brothers are up to some hijinks. Anyway, here’s a photo of them having a good ol’ time at a Hen Party. There’s also a video of a minor scuffle as well.

Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a guy who doesn’t get “all grabby” (looking at you, Big Rob) with girls in bars.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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