Angry Ward Wednesday: Traders Among Us – What Will Become of Carmelo, Miguel Cabrera, the Trump Kids and Others?

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BRONX, NY – Well, we’re smack dab in the middle of Major League Baseball’s all-star week. The game was played last night but, for some reason, regular-season games don’t resume until Friday. I’ll hold off on judging how crappy the all-star game has become, especially since inter-league play became a thing, or how we continue to coddle modern athletes, and instead focus on potential trade targets throughout sports and beyond.

Carmelo Anthony. This guy again? Doesn’t anyone want Melo? It’s getting to the point where they should include his picture in one of those mistreated dog commercials with Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” playing behind it. The latest rumor has him going to Houston. Fine. Just let him go somewhere… anywhere. What will the Knicks get back in return? Does it matter? At this point it’s almost like that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry has such a bad BO problem in his car that he wants it to get stolen.

Gettin’ Miggy Wit It. As the baseball trading deadline fast approaches, all sorts of names are coming up as deal fodder. One of the bigger, and most laughable, names being floated is Detroit Tigers’ first baseman (and former Triple Crown winner) Miguel Cabrera. Seeing as how he’s owed $192 million through 2023 (he’ll be a spry 41 years of age), the only logical landing place for Miggy would be the New York Mets, but only if they can convince Detroit to take on the remainder of Bobby Bonilla’s contract that runs through 2035. It would be classified as a “lose/lose-worse” kinda deal.

The Trump Kids. Let’s be honest, you couldn’t trade Don Jr. and Eric for a tanker full of Ebola right now. O.J. Simpson has higher market value. So, whaddaya gonna do? You gotta get creative. How about shipping Don Jr. to North Korea who sends Dennis Rodman to the Mets who turn around and package Rodman, David Wright and Jeurys Familia for Eric Trump and a pardon for Bernie Madoff. Madoff then convinces Donald Sr. to divest himself of Ivanka, Baron and Tiffany in exchange for cash and a ponzi to be named later. Then… wait… this is just stupid. Forget I brought it up.

Oscar Gamble. I’ve really got nothing but good things to say about Oscar Gamble. I just wanted an excuse to post a pic of one of the greatest baseball cards of all time, the Oscar Gamble card when he got traded to the Yankees. From the mighty Fro to the horrible art job on the cap, this was, and still is, a Topps Baseball card to treasure.

New York Jets Tickets. Seriously, anyone out there a New York Jets season ticket holder still? How on Earth do you plan to get rid of your tickets this year? Does anyone really want to see this team play. Maybe players’ families, but I’m not even sure they’d be all that interested. If you’re holding Jets tickets right now, you’ve got to be feeling a little like the guy holding drugs in a Turkish airport in the movie Midnight Express. Best trade you can make for Jets tickets at this point is maybe a couple of free beer coupons for Short Matt’s next BBQ. You might scoff at the idea now, but those shindigs are strictly BYOB.

Trading Places. One of the craziest trades ever, and the only cash that changed hands was a dollar! This is a must-watch every Thanksgiving/Christmas.

That’s all for today. You can trade this lousy column in for a shiny new one from Buddy Diaz right back here tomorrow.

 

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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