Saturday Night Ward: Last-Second Sports Trash from the Bronx

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BRONX, NY- Looks like no one wanted to post today. We simply can’t have that on MTM. We’re a lot of things here–unemployable, permanently disabled, pretty much all alcoholics–but we are not slackers. Here goes nuthin’… and I mean, nuthin’!

Gardy Party. Brett Gardner won another game for the Yankees today and Bronx Bomber fans threw up all over social media with “Gardy Party” announcements. I have a brief retort… Shut the f**k up, already! It’s Tampa Bay! I know you’re in first and pissing all over yourselves, but try to relax.

New Sports Team Names. I think pro sports as a whole have become a little stale. A good way to charge things back up would be to break out new team names across all four major leagues. Some examples: The Cleveland Cavaliers could be the Cleveland Steamers, the Philadelphia Phillies could be the Philadelphia Vomiting Morons, and the Dallas Cowboys could be the Dallas Village People Cowboys. Think of the fun and the marketing windfall. Let’s make this happen.

Mayweather/McGregor Sham Tickets Slow to Sell. Seems like there are at least a few smart people left in the USA, as tickets to the Mayweather and McGregor debacle are slow to sell. I also see where a columnist on Deadspin recently echoed my opinion that the only way Mayweather loses this fight is if he got a crapload of friends and family to be a boatload of money (on his behalf) on McGregor when the odds were through the roof. I would not put it past him. Guy is a degenerate gambler. Anyway, there will be no shortage of sheep to shell out for the PPV, so look for a controversy and a rematch. Seriously, take that to the bank.

Football Training Camp Starts. Who cares? I think the most fascinating thing now is to see how many players start taking the early retirement route rather than deal with CTE. Guaranteed dollars in upcoming contracts should be interesting in terms of just how guaranteed they are, or whether players have to pay money back upon retiring early. Already came up with Calvin Johnson in Detroit.

Okay, that’s all for me. Feel free to ignore this, as you will.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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