Angry Ward Wednesday: Starve Zeke Elliott, Don’t Hang Out in Hurricanes, and Stop Thursday Night Football Before it Kills

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NEW YORK, NY – Another Wednesday is upon us, which means it’s time for me to write whatever I damn please. Between celebrating an anniversary and basically looking at life through rugby goggles for the past two years, it’s not like management will care, or even notice, anyway. I could post crumb cake recipes or Ted Cruz’s filthy twitter feed for all they care. Let’s do this!

Ezekiel Elliott Has an Imaginary Eating Disorder. I can’t be the only one who is tired of Cowboy’s running back, and court-ordered temporary upstanding citizen, Ezekiel Elliott’s stupid and constant “feed me” routine during games, as he pantomimes eating, to tell everyone he should keep getting the ball. What a douche. First of all, almost no one likes pantomime. Secondly, he should really try swallowing a sack full of humility every once in a while, y’know, between meals or something. This already-dated routine can end only two ways. 1. Some defender knocks all his teeth out and he’s forced to mime eating his meals through a straw or 2. He ends up like Mr. Creosote in Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life.” Frankly, I’m fine with either.

My Hippo Hurricane Holler. There’s been a lot of hurricane news of late, and none of it good. I know these massive storms are deadly and destructive and need to be reported, but we don’t need hundreds of news people showing how brave they are by standing out in the middle of 100 mph winds. Not only is it moronically dangerous, it gives people that might otherwise be thinking of evacuating a reason to pause and think, “Well that skinny blonde-haired girl from News 12 ain’t going nowhere, I reckon I’ll stay as well.” When will these weather people and other assorted reporters realize that THEY are not the news? Just mount some cameras and report on the damn story from the studio. Also, while we’re at it, if you want to play hero and rescue someone from a flood, turn of the mic and the camera and rescue them. Mother Nature’s wrath is spectacle enough. Get out of the damn shot already!

Thursday Night Football Will Bore You to Death. We’re only a week into the season but already Thursday Night Football is hitting on all cylinders. Tomorrow night’s match-up between Cincinnati and Houston promises to be a barn-burner. Meaning, you’d rather burn down a barn than watch this pile of flaming napalm horsesh!t. How bad is it? In week one Houston got the holy hell kicked out of it during their home opener by a bunch of future gas station attendants from Jacksonville. So bad was the beating that Texans’ defensive lineman J.J. Watt has set up a relief fund for those who witnessed it. Meanwhile the Bengals lost at home too, and didn’t score a single point, in a 20-0 loss at the hands of Baltimore. This beatdown coupled with Ohio State losing to Oklahoma, made this the most harrowing couple of days in Cincinnati history since WKRP Radio’s Les Nessman reported on the Great Turkey Drop of 1978.

That’s all for this week. Come back tomorrow for our own Jive Turkey, Buddy Diaz.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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