Angry Ward Wednesday: F**K the Giants, Yankees and a Whole Bunch of Other People

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BRONX, NY – It’s mercifully the final week of Angry Ward, but I’ve decided to not go gentle into that good night. F**k all that. I’m burning this thing to the ground. Where’s that gas can and my Zippo?

Giant A$$holes. This past Sunday night the New York Giants and Denver Broncos got together and screwed me out of a chance to win $1000 in my King of the Hill pool. I was one of 6 people left standing and got royally f**ked by a team I had watched sh!t the bed live the week before at home against San Diego Los Angeles. I am done being nice to the New York Football Giants. Wellington Mara and George Young could do a better job running this team, and they’ve been dead for years. I’d like to see Dave Jennings punt coach Ben McAdoo’s balls up into his throat until his eyes uncross. Everyone just needs to shut up about Odell Beckham Jr. already. Wake me when he does something of consequence outside of a one-handed catch he could have made with two hands, getting flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct, or breaking into a million little pieces. Eli Manning is Scott Brunner with 75% less charisma. The rest of the team has been put on this Earth as a public service announcement on the crippling effects of depression. Screw all of you Big Blue a-holes. Also, take that oversized toilet you call a stadium and turn it into Chris Christie’s mausoleum when his time comes. Bury him there with the rest of the dreadful memories, traffic jams, and lost hope.

Screw the Yankees. The New York Yankees are trying to even up their ALCS series with the Astros as I write this. And, who knows, they probably will (They did). I gotta say, I’ve actually tried to NOT dislike this team. I really have. After all, there’s no Clemens, no A-Rod, no Torre, no Jeff Nelson, and no bunch-of-other-guys-I-loathed from their last glory run still around. But it’s still impossible, and the blame falls squarely on Yankees fans. Look at yourselves. Jesus! Have you ever looked at yourselves??? You’re a collective reprehensible mess. Every time they pan around the crowd at one of these games it looks like bonus footage from “The Accused.” From the “Got Rings?” t-shirts to the Wall Street Bankers behind the dugouts to Nosferatu himself, Rudy Giuliani, you’ve got wall-to-wall atrocities at these games. Wake up and smell the garbage. I understand that all sports fans can be a little annoying, but Yankees fans are the crème de la crème of horribly entitled Baby CHUDS. Also, playing the P.C. Richard jingle after strikeouts is an all-too-constant reminder of this team’s greed and stupidity.

And now, an assortment of other luminaries I’d certainly like to recognize for their contributions in various categories of f**kery

Roger Clemens wearing a Houston hat. All you need to know about The Rocket. How's the Yankees Hummer, Roger?

Roger Clemens’ hat says all you need to know about The Rocket. How’s that Yankee Hummer, Roger?

Jerry Jones. I honestly didn’t think it was possible to hate the Cowboys more, until this guy took over.
Al Michaels. Do you believe in retirement?
Meet The MattsI gave you the worst years of my life… but those count too.
Fred and Jeff Wilpon. You can’t convince me that these two turds aren’t paying Bernie Madoff conjugal visits.

Baseball Jesus, Fred_Wilpon as Jesus, David_Wright, Jayson_Bay Meet_The_Matts

Baseball Jesus and his Disciples

Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I know everyone has their price, but what amazes me is just how low that number is for some people.
Aaron Rodgers. That’s right, bitch, I am kicking you while you’re down.
Russell Westbrook. Have fun “distributing” to Paul George and Carmelo, douchebag.
Fox Sports. You suck.
Bill de Blasio. The fact that this bag of donuts is going to be a two-term mayor of NYC is a failure on the part of everyone in this great city.
Bastards Everywhere. You know who you are, and so do I.

That’s all for this week and for AW. I’ll be back on November 1st. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a guy who will most likely kiss every Yankee ass regardless of today’s outcome. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward, @MeetTheMatts & @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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