Angry Ward Wednesday: Now with 50% More Vitriol! World Series, Giants, Joe Buck, Gambling

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World Series at 2AM… anyone?

NEW YORK, NY – Wait, you really thought there was going to be a reboot? What a bunch of suckers… all three of you. Oh well, life is filthy with worthless hype, broken promises, and disappointment. Just look at Al Capone’s Vault or the 2016 Election or The 2017 New York Football Giants. To be honest, I DO want to try something different. But why force yourself to come up with a new format in November when you can put it off until January? To make it up to you, I’m giving you not 10, but 15 things I’m angry about this week! That’s anger you can believe in. Let’s get to it.

The World Series. Game 6 of the World Series is tonight, it’s been one helluva a series, and I’m missing most of it. People, I put in my late-night hours with the Mets a couple of years back. I simply cannot stay up until 1:45 am to watch the Dodgers and Astros play another epic! One early start is all I’m asking.

No Gambling. These are still backwards times we are living in… and I’m not just talking about the rampant racism and archaic religious customs. Why do we not have legalized sports gambling in every city in America? It’s a no-brainer! What, people are allowed to piss their money away on the lottery – where they have zero chance – than on a game outcome or an over/under? Listen to me now, betting on sports is what will save sports.

Movies I’m Not Going to Get to See. I’ve had this same lament many times before but, I hardly get to see any grown-up movies anymore. I missed Baby Driver this summer, I’m probably going to miss The Florida Project, which I hear is great, and I’m sure I’ll miss all the buzz-worthy movies that get dumped in theaters just in time for Oscar consideration. But I WILL see the new Star Wars flick this December and any other kid-friendly movie that comes out, because I do not call the shots in my household. The pecking order goes something like Wife, daughter, dog, plants, skip five places, ME.

Birds as Pets. Someone explain this one to me. No, wait a second, don’t explain it to me.

Joe Buck. Eat it, Joe Buck! Anyone named after the male prostitute in Midnight Cowboy should not be judging others.

Julio Jones. I’m sorry, but you can’t be talked about as one of the best receivers in the NFL if you’re 8 games into the season and have one measly two-yard touchdown to your name. And, yes, he’s on my fantasy team. Guy is built like a muscle car, but in Steve Sarkisian’s offense he performs like a used Yugo.

Throwing Home Run Balls Back. This is just stupid. Look at this moron.

The Mets. I’m always angry at the Mets, so what else is new? I can’t even pick and choose anymore. It’s just blanket anger at this point.

Social Media and Smartphones. I’m no Ted Kaczynski, but I have noticed that most of the relatively new technological advancements that people can’t function without, are making those same people incredibly sad. For every annoying photo of a gourmet dinner someone posts on Facebook or Instagram, there are 10 people staring at their Stouffer’s frozen entrees thinking “why not me?” And that’s just the benign stuff. Bullying, shaming, trolling, incessant gaming, and people scared sh!tless to talk to one another in person anymore have social momentum going 100 mph in the wrong direction. We need a designated month to unplug… for starters.

Kevin Spacey. Management always requests some hot search engine fodder. I’ve really got nothing to add except this from Glengarry Glen Ross.

Hot Takes. “Stephen A. Smith is an American poet,” “Jennifer Lawrence is ugly,” “Bambi’s mother deserved to die…” I’ve had it up to here with Hot Takes. I prefer my takes based in reality, thanks. 

Commercial Breaks. I almost never watch commercials during sports anymore, especially during football games. Just pause the game a couple of times early on, for snacks, bathroom breaks, etc., and fast forward through those commercials. It’s magic. Commercials are for losers. Just make sure to put your cell phone elsewhere so texts don’t ruin the game for you.

“Tiger Woods is Coming Back” Stories. Why should we care? More importantly, why would he want to even bother coming back. He’s a shell of his former self. Enjoy early retirement and swapping STDs with low-level porn stars.

espn-tiger-woods-mugshot- Meet_The_Matts

Breaking News from Adam Schefter. No thank you.

Cilantro. I’d sooner eat poison ivy or a salad from McDonald’s.

 

That’s it. You want retooling? As Brian Doyle Murray said in Christmas Vacation, I’ll retool you!” Come back for Buddy Diaz, who’ll be clapping for Kristaps. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward, @MeetTheMatts & @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

Instead of any Joe Buck photos, here’s Sophia Vergara at 45. You’re welcome.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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