Angry Ward Wednesday: Kaput Cowboys, Brown Bombers Bombers, Other Christmas List Items

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NEW YORK, NY – They light the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center in New York City tonight. I’m hyper-aware of this because 1) I live in New York and 2) I work only a couple of blocks from 30 Rock. But, the fact that we are about to fall headlong into the holidays should come as no surprise. Radio stations and department stores have been playing Christmas songs for days, yuletide decorations are up all over the place, and my daughter has already written out her spelling/error-riddled Christmas list. Who am I to stand in the way of a winter wonderland avalanche. Here’s my Christmas List.

Peace on EarthJust kidding. That ain’t happening with Orange Heat Miser in the WH. Why waste a wish?

Dallas Donezo. I don’t think it’s much to ask that the Dallas Cowboys not make the playoffs this year. It’s not so much that I hate their current roster of players—although Jason Witten needs to retire already, Zeke Elliott ain’t all that (despite the team not being able to win without him), and Dez Bryant is nothing more than an over-hyped possession receiver at this point—but I just can’t stomach Jerry Jones anymore. Screw this guy already. Get him outta my sight. What has his team done so great in the past 20 years that I need to see his puckered face and pronounced mouth full o’ fake Chiclets every time I turn on the tube? Dallas is disappearing fine all on their own, but it still can’t happen fast enough for me.

Bama Go Bye-Bye. I don’t hate Nick Saban as much as I hate Jerry Jones, but then I don’t hate eating sand as much as I hate eating cilantro. Having Alabama miss the College Football Playoffs will be glorious, and you know it will absolutely eat Saban alive. This is set up to happen and NEEDS to happen.

Bubble Hockey. What, I can’t ask for one toy?

NY Yankees Hire a Manager of ColorThe New York Yankees, the most storied and celebrated franchise in all of professional sports, have been around over 100 years and NEVER had a person of color manage the team. Christmas List Meet_The_Matts -teeth-whiteningkit-just-use-chiclets-adams-chicletsYou can count Lou Piniella as a Latino if you like but, c’mon, I know an angry white guy (albeit one with family roots in Spain) when I see one. So, that’s over a Century and counting of Caucasian skippers for the Yankees. Baseball as a whole has a horrible track record of ethnic and/or minority hires, but shouldn’t the Yankees be held to a higher standard? Shouldn’t they be leading by example? They are currently interviewing everyone under the sun for their vacant manager spot, including Hensley Meulens, Chris Woodward, and now Carlos Beltran, but it remains to be seen if one of those guys get the gig over white candidates like Rob Thomson and Aaron Boone. Wonder what our resident Yankee fans think about this. Whatever the case, I hope they break their DiMaggio-like streak of exclusion.

BoozeHoping that MTM management is cutting through the red tape with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives to get me my booze shipment from our fine friends at LoveScotch.com. I need all the help I can get to get through the holidays.

That’s it for this week. Buddy Diaz, another guy the Yankees should interview for manager, is back tomorrow, presumably still puffed up about his Eagles and their redneck quarterback, but not as much about the recently skidding Knicks. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward, @MeetTheMatts & @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

NOTE: Apologies to DJ Eberle & Ben Whitney for the lack of Social Media Support, Short Matt has been in a swine flu-esque trance/coma the last two days.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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