Angry Ward Wednesday: Packers, Cowboys, Jerry Jones, LeBron and Other Year-End Schadenfreude

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BRONX, NY – The Mets have brought Omar Minaya back. Sweet Baby Jesus. I really can’t bear to talk about the Mets right now. The year is almost up, I’d rather focus on the positives, even if they’re kinda negatives… at least, for some. Let’s do this.

Green Bay is GoneAfter losing to Carolina 2 weeks ago, the Green Bay Packers shut down Aaron Rodgers for the season. They’re out of the playoffs and got shut out by my Minnesota Vikings last Saturday night. A friend, who was at the game in Green Bay, said that Packers fans were leaving in droves by halftime and the place was left populated by Vikings fans. A nice change. You hear how great Packers fans are all the time. How they “travel well.” Good to see they’re as fickle as everyone else. Have fun watching the Winter Olympics, Cheeseheads.

Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones, NFL, MeetTheMatts.com

The Cowboys announced today they have signed Owner and General Manager Jerry Jones, age 73, to a 6-year 150 million dollar contract to play quarterback, making him the highest paid player in NFL history.

Dallas is Done. Hey, more good news, the Dallas Cowboys won’t be in the playoffs either. Guess having the best offensive line in football isn’t good enough. Look for a-hole owner Jerry Jones to start shaking things up. There will be blood, probably in the form of Offensive Coordinator Scott Linehan or head coach Jason Garrett. But, don’t worry Cowboys fans, Dak Prescott (who clearly isn’t as good as we thought), Dez Bryant (who Art Monk could beat in a race), and Zeke (overr-rated) should all be back. Next year could be their year, after their usual group of stars return from assorted domestic and drug suspensions.

LeBron Aging Like Fine WhineGood to see LeBron James and the Cavs give it all they had on Christmas Day and still lose the Warriors. LeBron James, Jerry Jones, Cavaliers, MeetTheMattsAfter the game King James complained about being fouled multiple times by Kevin Durant in the games waning moments. And, maybe he was. But whining like that after a loss isn’t a good look for anyone, let alone the best player in the game. Durant’s response to all the “foul” questions was hilarious. Here’s a sample: “It felt clean. It’s probably the same play a bunch of those dudes on Twitter probably arguing about at 24-Hour Fitness that that wasn’t a foul. They’ve been in that position before, but just not on Christmas at the Oracle Arena. So they know. They know if they ain’t call it it’s not a foul. I’m sure if they get that call next week at 24-Hour Fitness, they’re going to be pissed that they called a foul. So keep that sh!t on Twitter.” Just FYI, I’m really starting to like Durant.

James Harrison Signs with PatriotsDid the Pittsburgh Steelers really think they were gonna cut James Harrison a week before Christmas and not have Bill Belichick pick him up, pick his brain about their defensive and offensive play books, and then turn him loose to cripple Ben Roethlisberger in the AFC Championship game? How naive can you get? I can’t wait to watch this!

New York Mets, Omar_Minaya, Jason Bay, Meet_The_MattsNot Talking About the Mets. I told you, I’m not gonna do it. Back the f**k off!

The Final NFC Wild CardSo, it looks like the final NFC Wild Card team will come down to either Atlanta or Seattle. All Atlanta did was almost win the Super Bowl last year, over-correct not winning the Super Bowl by hiring Steve Sarkisian as their offensive coordinator and having him ruin Matt Ryan and Julio Jones simultaneously, and basically morph into a mediocre team. The Seahawks are somehow even more annoying. I’m basically pulling for Seattle to make it or NOT make it, because they thought it would be cool to hire former Vikings choke-artist kicker Blair Walsh to be their kicker this year. “We’ll show ’em! We can make this guy a winner!”  I don’t care if it happens this week or next or the one after that, Seattle needs lose because of Blair Walsh. It has to happen.

That’s it. Happy New Year to all. Come back for Buddy “Baby New Year” Diaz tomorrow.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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