Angry Ward: Foles, Skols, Vikings and the Women’s March in Philly

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BRONX, NY – This coming Sunday they’ll play the AFC and NFC Conference Championship Games to see which two teams get to go to Super Bowl LII Big Game LII for the right to decide which one lucky team gets to turn down an invite from Donald Trump. In New England, everyone pretty much expects Brady and Belichick to get the better of Bortles and James Jacksonville Wine Coolers. But, hey, they thought the same thing about the Steelers. Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, it’s my God-fearing Minnesota Vikings (boy oh boy, did they thank Jesus a lot for that win last week) taking on the God-hating Eagles (at least I assume they follow everyone else in Philly in hating everyone and everything other than cheesesteaks and drinking until you puke). Let’s take a closer look at this match-up and Philadelphia in general.

Nick Foles vs. Case Keenum. This duel of also-ran quarterbacks should be something to behold. If you like checkdowns and throwing the ball out of bounds, this might be the game for you. And, how about the names on these guys. They sound like leftover characters from an ill-conceived 1970s TV detective show that never made it out of the pilot stage.

Angry Ward Wednesday: Foles, Skols, and the Women's March in Philly

Thoroughly Ancient Millie. 99-year-old Vikings fan Millie Wall made news last Sunday attending her first Vikings playoff game. The lesson here is, if you want to live a long life, avoid Vikings playoffs games at all costs. Anyway, she saw a doozy and there was talk about sending her to Philadelphia to see the NFC Championship. Thankfully, people came to their senses and didn’t send that poor woman into the Third Circle of Hell. Living through two world wars should exempt you from having to spend a Sunday evening surrounded by Eagles supporters. And, speaking of women in Philadelphia…

Angry Ward Wednesday: Foles, Skols, and the Women's March in Philly

The Philadelphia Women’s March. Not sure how these dates get picked, but it looks as though the Philadelphia Women’s March (as well as other national Women’s Marches) is this Saturday. On top of that, somehow my wife and her friends will be down there celebrating one of their birthdays and participating in the march. I’ve tried to explain to my wife that those lovable louts she saw in Silver Linings Playbook were merely Hollywood’s toned-down version of Philly sports fans and they should be avoided at all costs. I just hope everything goes OK. The men of Philadelphia have unrealistic expectations when it comes to women. They either want the silent-but-could-be-attractive abused type like Adrian in Rocky or a hot young sex addict like Jennifer Lawrence played in the aforementioned SLP. It’s worth mentioning that neither of these types exist in Philly. Like my Vikings this weekend, I’m just gonna hope for the best.

Predictions. Here are my predictions for this weekend.
1. There won’t be a lot of scoring, either in the game or for the men of Philadelphia.
2. Millie will survive the game, no matter the outcome, and live to see her 100th birthday this summer.
3. Women’s Marches everywhere will be very well attended and Trump will immediately schedule a bunch of rallies in backwater burgs to show that he can still put asses (literally and figuratively) in the seats.
4. Jacksonville will terrorize Brady, but New England will hold on to beat them.
5. Short Matt will once again send me a series of unwanted texts as I try to enjoy watching the games.
6. Nick Foles won’t play as well as Donovan McNabb did in any of his playoff games but Eagles fans will still like him better.
7. The Vikings will somehow find a way to win. Yes, I am starting to believe. And that can’t be good for anyone.

That’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for the insane ramblings of Eagles, Yankees, Knicks fan Buddy Diaz, who clearly needs some help.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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