Angry Ward Wednesday: Brady’s Broken, Blake Griffin Exiled and Larry Nassar Should Burn

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Blake_Griffin Detroit_Pistons, Angry_Ward, Meet_The_Mats

BRONX, NY – Last Wednesday I took a little heat in the old comments section for not hitting my recommended daily allowance of vitriol and/or writing about anything anyone remotely cared about. Good news, your complaints have been heard. Better news! I’m just gonna keep on writing about whatever the hell occurs to me between making dinner and having to walk the dog. Bon Appétit.

Give Tom Brady a Hand. Apparently, the Golden Boy’s hand still isn’t 100%. Is anyone buying this horsesh!t? Who cares? Rub one of your wonderful T12 kale-extract liniments on it and shut the hell up. If there’s anyone on the Patriots to be worried about health-wise, it’s Rob Gronkowski, who unfortunately looks like he’s headed for a particularly painful post-career life. The guy has had 9 surgeries since 2009 and it’s anyone’s guess how many concussions. But then, so has our own “Dr. Dementia,” Short Matt.

Tom Brady's hand, Meet_The_Matt

Tom Brady’s hand injury comes up “small.”

Gym Rat Bastard. I think we’ve all been pretty much steering clear of this one, because there’s absolutely nothing funny about it, but the monster known as Larry Nassar really can’t leave this world fast enough. You need look no further than how hardened criminals serving lengthy prison sentences view those who molest kids, to understand just how heinous a crime it is. This creep destroyed lives and did untold collateral damage. He, and any of those who enabled his gymnastics atrocities, deserve the absolute worst that the karma police can hand out.

Domino’s Pizza Insurance? Have you seen this commercial? Domino’s Pizza is now offering carryout insurance, where they’ll replace your pizza should something horrible happen to it. As far as pizza goes, Domino’s is kinda in rough shape to begin with. What could go so wrong that you would need it replaced? I mean, other than it somehow morphing into Papa John’s on the way home? Domino’s insuring its pizza is like taking out car-theft insurance on a used Yugo.

Land of the Feh, Home of the Blah. A group called AMVETS asked the NFL if they could place an ad in the Super Bowl program centering around the issue of standing for the National Anthem. The NFL said “no.” Kirk_Gibson, Calvin_Johnson, Blake_Griffin Detroit_Pistons, Angry_Ward, Meet_The_MattsAll of this is fine by me. These two sides deserve each other and should just hammer away. I’ve got no skin in this game. In fact, let’s throw in all those social media yahoos who are hell bent on discussing the player protests, while we’re at it. Wake me up when the game starts.

Motor City Malaise. Blake Griffin just got traded from LA to Detroit. As a city swap, it’s what we like to call “A Reverse Kirk Gibson.” I don’t care how bad the Clippers are, does anyone ever really want to play in Detroit? I mean, two of the greatest football players of the last quarter century, Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson, opted for retirement over playing another season with the Lions in their primes. It stands to reason that D.B. Cooper would have stayed in the plane had it been flying over Detroit.

A Final Word About the Eagles. [insert expletive here]

That’s all for today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who has yet to accept my “Philadelphia Eagles Challenge.” And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward, @MeetTheMatts & @Matt_McCarthy00Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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