Angry Ward: March Badness – The Mets are Doomed, So’s Your NCAA Bracket, and NFL Draft Talk is for Suckers

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BRONX, NY – It’s snowing like mad… at least that’s what I’m assuming, based on Tuesday night’s projections. Isn’t that f**king great? While I’ve long argued that February is the worst month of all, don’t sell March short. Both months are like god-awful sequels to all of the other great months. Think of them as The Sting II and Caddyshack II of the calendar year. Anyway, I’ve got very little good to say. So, what else is new? Let’s get to it.

METS dildo, Matt_Harvey, Meet_The_Matts, Groundhog_Day

There is No Hope for the Mets. I know they have a new manager and all but the New York Mets are going nowhere fast. David Wright still hasn’t retired. Recently-signed pitcher Jason Vargas already needs surgery that will keep him sidelined for the start of the season, and who knows how much longer. And the rest of the team is doing their best not to think about the grim fate that awaits each and every one of them. If Groundhog Day were made into a snuff film it would be called The New York Mets are Gonna Die… Again. Even dumpster fires feel bad for this team. Let me amend that. Dumpster fires feel bad for this team, except the Wilpons. Fred and Jeff are the Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump of baseball owners and the sooner they are mauled to death by a rabid Mr. Met, the better.

Your NCAA Basketball Bracket is a F**king Shambles. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Sure it was fun watching UMBC piss all over Viginia and then North Carolina get laid to waste. But then, it just wouldn’t stop, would it. “Wait! Michigan State? Arizona? Xavier? Sweet Jesus, don’t tell me Duke’s still alive?” Just do yourself a favor and stop watching. Nothing good can come of this. Like I said before, you’re not winning your pool. Even worse, all the players that under-performed and exited early are all turning pro and you can bet that the New York Knicks tank just bad enough to get the worst of the lot. Book it!

Vinnie_Jones, _Todd_Frazier, Meet_The_Matts Mets

Dodge the Draft. The NFL Draft isn’t for another friggin’ month, so get ahold of yourselves. Don’t be one of those booger eaters who follows every mock draft up to Todd McShay’s 14.0 or Mel Kiper “updating his board” because some guy at a bar told him that he knows a guy who’s cousin is John Mara’s dry cleaner and he said the Giants are definitely taking the kid from Wyoming. Don’t do this to yourselves. Here’s all you need to know. Cleveland will land one decent player out of their first two high picks, and the other will be a colossal bust. The Jets will take the wrong guy for sure. The Giants will draft a QB but will still suck this year. And Saquon Barkley has every bit as good a chance of ending up on the trash heap of Penn State NFL running back failures (Blair Thomas, Kijana Carter, Curtis Enis, etc.) as he does being one of their few greats. There’s your preview. You’re welcome.

I’m done writing. No one is going to be at work today, which means no one will be reading this. What can I say? I’m a realist. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz with Alternate Side of the Street Parking updates and maybe some sports stuff.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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